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“She’s just so DIFFICULT!” The participant in my session was beside herself when describing a colleague.
I was teaching a session on High Road Conflict Management. During this session I often hear stories of how “difficult” someone’s co-worker is. In such a situation, it is not my place to make a judgment about who is “right” or “wrong” in a particular – it’s my job to encourage people to stretch their thinking a bit and view the conflict from a different paradigm.
I am a firm believer that there are no difficult people – only difficult behaviors. If you can’t separate a person from their behavior, you cripple your ability to treat them with respect. I believe it is critical to treat all people with respect whether or not you like what they think, say or do. Separating the person from their behavior allows you to address the issue without attacking the person. (Allow me to clarify – there is a profound difference between respecting someone and treating them with respect. I certainly have met people in my life who in no way whatsoever can I bring myself to respect. That doesn’t mean I don’t choose to treat them respectfully. Separating the person from the behavior is what makes this possible.)
In order to be on the High Road and treat people with respect regardless of their behavior, one must first understand a basic underlying motivation: people who regularly exhibit difficult behaviors do so because it gets them what they want. Every human being on earth, myself included, has learned by the age of two that bad behavior gets attention.
We all threw temper tantrums. Most people grow out of them. A rare few grow into them. Then, as adults, those people realize that their bad behavior not only gets them attention, but makes someone else look and feel bad at the same time. More often than not, the result is that they get what they want.
None of us have the power to change another person. You can, however, change another person’s behavior. You can change a difficult behavior by changing the results they receive for that behavior. In order to change the results they receive, you need to plan ahead so you can respond to the behavior rather than react to it.
• First, identify the specific behavior you find difficult to handle. Do not focus on personality characteristics, such as “he’s so negative,” or “she doesn’t listen to anyone.” Separate the person from the issue and identify the aggravating deed or habit. (“He always cuts me off before I’m finished,” or “She always makes a catty remark when people walk away.”)
• Once you’ve accomplished that, you can determine what behavior you wish the person would exhibit instead of the one you find difficult to handle. Start broadly if you must. (Trust me, in my travels I have heard just about everything: I wish this person would: eat worms and die, fall off a cliff, spontaneously combust, quit, take early retirement, just go away, just shut up…..) Work through the extremes to release any venom that might have built up inside you, then narrow your choices down to one specific behavior you wish this person would adopt.
• With these two steps accomplished you can set a plan to guide the person toward the alternative habits by adjusting the way you respond to their current behavior and therefore changing the results they receive for the behavior.
High Road Challenge for the Day: Identify one specific person who seems to get under your skin more than others, then get a handle on the behavior that gets to you. Follow the steps I’ve outlined above to create a “battle plan” for your next interaction with him or her. And remember— this isn’t magic. It will take time, effort, and most of all, consistency to help bring about the change you desire.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
Priming the Pump in the Twilight Zone
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While I was traveling home from a training swing this past week my flight was delayed out of Salt Lake City, causing me to miss my United Airlines connection in Denver. There were no other flights out that night so I was forced to lay-over until the next day. The earliest flight that had available seats to bring me home left Denver at 5:25 p.m. the next day. (Is it just me? It seems like I am always delayed and held-over at Denver Stapley airport… I am certain it is the portal to the Twilight Zone… but I digress.)
The following morning I contacted the travel department for my seminar company client to see if anything might have opened up to get me home any earlier. The travel agent was able to book me one-way on a different carrier at 2:30 p.m. That gained me three hours. I was very grateful.
I asked him why United was so heavily booked. He said, “I don’t know. It’s unusual. In fact the flight you were rebooked on is completely full now. There are no seats to be had on United out of Denver today at all.”
This got me thinking as I sat and watched people go by in the airport. United could probably use the seat I would be giving up on the 5:25 flight. I had a good 4 hours before my 2:30 flight was to board, so I headed off to find a United Customer Service counter. I stepped into line behind about 12 people and began the waiting process. Nothing happens quickly at a customer service counter and, unfortunately, everyone in line is struggling with some sort of inconvenience and therefore hovering somewhere in the grumpiness continuum. More than once I asked myself, “Why am I standing here again?” Yet I knew that I had plenty of time and nothing else I really needed to be doing, so I stayed in line. After about 35 minutes, I had inched to the front of the line.
The customer service representative, Dee, was frazzled but gracious and eager to resolve whatever issue I might have. I explained the situation to her and finished by saying, “I just wanted to let you know that I will not be on this flight at 5:25 and release the seat so you can give it to someone else.”
She worked through the whole scenario with me again several times to make sure that she was clear on how the flights had been delayed, missed and rebooked. Then she confirmed, “So you are traveling home today on a different carrier?”
“That’s right,” I said.
She seemed confused. “So what do you need from me?”
“Nothing,” I said. “I just wanted to let you know that this seat is available.”
“Do you need a refund for this leg of the trip?”
“That would be terrific. I am sure my company would appreciate that,” I replied.
“Well okay then. Let’s get that taken care of.”
She printed off the information my client would need to receive a refund for the flight I didn’t take. She gave that to me along with a second voucher. “This is a voucher for $150 off your next flight with United,” she said with a smile. “We are very sorry for your inconvenience and thank you for your courtesy today.”
Did I stand in line for 35 minutes hoping that I would receive a $150 voucher? No I didn’t. I didn’t even think to ask for compensation for my lost day. I stood in line because I know that if I were desperate to get on a fully booked flight, I would want the gate agent to know there happened to be a seat that was just released. I know that all you send into the lives of others come back into your own. It may not be immediately. It usually won't be in-kind. I stood in line to prime the pump. I was blessed to have a benefit sent back my way immediately. It doesn’t always happen so quickly, or even in a manner that is noticeable, but that doesn’t matter. Priming the pump is about the sending out, not the getting back. As it says in the old Kingston Trio folk song, Desert Pete, “you have to give of yourself before you’re worthy to receive.”
High Road Challenge for the Day: Prime the pump. Find a need and fill it. Give of yourself. Send it out without expectation of what will come back. Take a lesson from Desert Pete and give of yourself so you are worthy to receive.
While I was traveling home from a training swing this past week my flight was delayed out of Salt Lake City, causing me to miss my United Airlines connection in Denver. There were no other flights out that night so I was forced to lay-over until the next day. The earliest flight that had available seats to bring me home left Denver at 5:25 p.m. the next day. (Is it just me? It seems like I am always delayed and held-over at Denver Stapley airport… I am certain it is the portal to the Twilight Zone… but I digress.)
The following morning I contacted the travel department for my seminar company client to see if anything might have opened up to get me home any earlier. The travel agent was able to book me one-way on a different carrier at 2:30 p.m. That gained me three hours. I was very grateful.
I asked him why United was so heavily booked. He said, “I don’t know. It’s unusual. In fact the flight you were rebooked on is completely full now. There are no seats to be had on United out of Denver today at all.”
This got me thinking as I sat and watched people go by in the airport. United could probably use the seat I would be giving up on the 5:25 flight. I had a good 4 hours before my 2:30 flight was to board, so I headed off to find a United Customer Service counter. I stepped into line behind about 12 people and began the waiting process. Nothing happens quickly at a customer service counter and, unfortunately, everyone in line is struggling with some sort of inconvenience and therefore hovering somewhere in the grumpiness continuum. More than once I asked myself, “Why am I standing here again?” Yet I knew that I had plenty of time and nothing else I really needed to be doing, so I stayed in line. After about 35 minutes, I had inched to the front of the line.
The customer service representative, Dee, was frazzled but gracious and eager to resolve whatever issue I might have. I explained the situation to her and finished by saying, “I just wanted to let you know that I will not be on this flight at 5:25 and release the seat so you can give it to someone else.”
She worked through the whole scenario with me again several times to make sure that she was clear on how the flights had been delayed, missed and rebooked. Then she confirmed, “So you are traveling home today on a different carrier?”
“That’s right,” I said.
She seemed confused. “So what do you need from me?”
“Nothing,” I said. “I just wanted to let you know that this seat is available.”
“Do you need a refund for this leg of the trip?”
“That would be terrific. I am sure my company would appreciate that,” I replied.
“Well okay then. Let’s get that taken care of.”
She printed off the information my client would need to receive a refund for the flight I didn’t take. She gave that to me along with a second voucher. “This is a voucher for $150 off your next flight with United,” she said with a smile. “We are very sorry for your inconvenience and thank you for your courtesy today.”
Did I stand in line for 35 minutes hoping that I would receive a $150 voucher? No I didn’t. I didn’t even think to ask for compensation for my lost day. I stood in line because I know that if I were desperate to get on a fully booked flight, I would want the gate agent to know there happened to be a seat that was just released. I know that all you send into the lives of others come back into your own. It may not be immediately. It usually won't be in-kind. I stood in line to prime the pump. I was blessed to have a benefit sent back my way immediately. It doesn’t always happen so quickly, or even in a manner that is noticeable, but that doesn’t matter. Priming the pump is about the sending out, not the getting back. As it says in the old Kingston Trio folk song, Desert Pete, “you have to give of yourself before you’re worthy to receive.”
High Road Challenge for the Day: Prime the pump. Find a need and fill it. Give of yourself. Send it out without expectation of what will come back. Take a lesson from Desert Pete and give of yourself so you are worthy to receive.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
A Sad - and Magnificent Day for Baseball
A Sad - and Magnificent Day for Baseball
I am not a huge baseball fan. I never have been, even though my husband and children are fanatic about the sport. I have always preferred football and basketball – sports that don’t involve so much standing around, scratching and spitting on national television. None-the-less, this week die-hard baseball fans and casual followers of the game had an opportunity to see High Road thinking played out on the diamond when Detroit Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga was denied what should have been only the 21st perfect game in baseball history. Umpire Jim Joyce blew the critical call at first base, calling the runner safe when he was clearly out.
The fans were in an uproar. The Tigers’ manager, Jim Leland stormed the field to protest the call. His teammates were outraged. And yet what stands out in that moment of chaos is Galarraga’s response to having his place in the history books yanked out from under him. With grace, professionalism, a wry smile and remarkable cool he climbed right back up on the mound. The game was not over yet – he still had to get the final out. What happens to you in your life is not as important as how you choose to respond to what happens to you in your life. Galarraga’s response was the ultimate example of the High Road in action.
The astonishing thing is that it didn’t end there.
After the game, Joyce reviewed the play in the clubhouse and came to the conclusion that he had clearly been wrong. Then… he admitted it – publicly. To the press he said, “No, I did not get the call correct. I absolutely missed the call. I just cost that kid a perfect game. I thought he beat the throw. I was convinced he beat the throw, until I saw the replay." He went on to comment about the verbal beating he took from the team and the fans after the next play which ended the game. "I don't blame them a bit for anything that was said," Joyce said. "I would've said it myself. If I had been Galarraga, I would've been the first person in my face, and he never said a word to me." Joyce then asked to see Galarraga in the locker room and apologized to him.
Speaking to the Venezuelan press later, the pitcher showed only empathy for the umpire. "He really feel bad. He probably feel more bad than me. Nobody's perfect, everybody's human. I understand. I give a lot of credit to the guy saying, 'Hey, I need to talk to you because I really say I'm sorry.' That don't happen. You don't see an umpire after the game say 'I'm sorry.[sic]'"
During the post-game press conferences, Jim Leland showed his High Road mentality saying, “This is, without question, one of the best umpires in the game. I think how Jim Joyce handled it was key. The guy was a shambles. My heart goes out to him. Obviously, it was a mistake. It was a perfect game. It's a shame for both of them – but I'm telling you he is the best baseball has, and a great guy. It's just a shame.”
A day later the series between the two teams continued and the Detroit Tiger fans stepped up to join Galarraga, Joyce and Leland on the High Road. Whereas it might have been expected for the fans to boo and razz the umpire as he was introduced for the final game against the Indians, they showed the better side of baseball fandom and gave Joyce a standing ovation for having admitted that he was wrong.
Galarraga was the one assigned to bring the batting line-up out to the umpire and the two had a very private moment that America was given the opportunity to watch – one that brought the veteran umpire to tears. “I can not believe the outpouring of support I’ve gotten,” he said. “This is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through in my professional career – without a doubt.”
In the midst of so much bad behavior and so few role models in professional sports these days, it is profoundly refreshing to see such sportsmanship exhibited by all parties involved in this unfortunate mishap.
It is almost enough to make me watch baseball on a regular basis…almost.
I am not a huge baseball fan. I never have been, even though my husband and children are fanatic about the sport. I have always preferred football and basketball – sports that don’t involve so much standing around, scratching and spitting on national television. None-the-less, this week die-hard baseball fans and casual followers of the game had an opportunity to see High Road thinking played out on the diamond when Detroit Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga was denied what should have been only the 21st perfect game in baseball history. Umpire Jim Joyce blew the critical call at first base, calling the runner safe when he was clearly out.
The fans were in an uproar. The Tigers’ manager, Jim Leland stormed the field to protest the call. His teammates were outraged. And yet what stands out in that moment of chaos is Galarraga’s response to having his place in the history books yanked out from under him. With grace, professionalism, a wry smile and remarkable cool he climbed right back up on the mound. The game was not over yet – he still had to get the final out. What happens to you in your life is not as important as how you choose to respond to what happens to you in your life. Galarraga’s response was the ultimate example of the High Road in action.
The astonishing thing is that it didn’t end there.
After the game, Joyce reviewed the play in the clubhouse and came to the conclusion that he had clearly been wrong. Then… he admitted it – publicly. To the press he said, “No, I did not get the call correct. I absolutely missed the call. I just cost that kid a perfect game. I thought he beat the throw. I was convinced he beat the throw, until I saw the replay." He went on to comment about the verbal beating he took from the team and the fans after the next play which ended the game. "I don't blame them a bit for anything that was said," Joyce said. "I would've said it myself. If I had been Galarraga, I would've been the first person in my face, and he never said a word to me." Joyce then asked to see Galarraga in the locker room and apologized to him.
Speaking to the Venezuelan press later, the pitcher showed only empathy for the umpire. "He really feel bad. He probably feel more bad than me. Nobody's perfect, everybody's human. I understand. I give a lot of credit to the guy saying, 'Hey, I need to talk to you because I really say I'm sorry.' That don't happen. You don't see an umpire after the game say 'I'm sorry.[sic]'"
During the post-game press conferences, Jim Leland showed his High Road mentality saying, “This is, without question, one of the best umpires in the game. I think how Jim Joyce handled it was key. The guy was a shambles. My heart goes out to him. Obviously, it was a mistake. It was a perfect game. It's a shame for both of them – but I'm telling you he is the best baseball has, and a great guy. It's just a shame.”
A day later the series between the two teams continued and the Detroit Tiger fans stepped up to join Galarraga, Joyce and Leland on the High Road. Whereas it might have been expected for the fans to boo and razz the umpire as he was introduced for the final game against the Indians, they showed the better side of baseball fandom and gave Joyce a standing ovation for having admitted that he was wrong.
Galarraga was the one assigned to bring the batting line-up out to the umpire and the two had a very private moment that America was given the opportunity to watch – one that brought the veteran umpire to tears. “I can not believe the outpouring of support I’ve gotten,” he said. “This is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through in my professional career – without a doubt.”
In the midst of so much bad behavior and so few role models in professional sports these days, it is profoundly refreshing to see such sportsmanship exhibited by all parties involved in this unfortunate mishap.
It is almost enough to make me watch baseball on a regular basis…almost.
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