Difficult Behaviors - Not Difficult People

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“She’s just so DIFFICULT!”  The participant in my session was beside herself when describing a colleague.
I was teaching a session on High Road Conflict Management.  During this session I often hear stories of how “difficult” someone’s co-worker is.  In such a situation, it is not my place to make a judgment about who is “right” or “wrong” in a particular – it’s my job to encourage people to stretch their thinking a bit and view the conflict from a different paradigm.

I am a firm believer that there are no difficult people – only difficult behaviors.  If you can’t separate a person from their behavior, you cripple your ability to treat them with respect.  I believe it is critical to treat all people with respect whether or not you like what they think, say or do.  Separating the person from their behavior allows you to address the issue without attacking the person.  (Allow me to clarify – there is a profound difference between respecting someone and treating them with respect.  I certainly have met people in my life who in no way whatsoever can I bring myself to respect.  That doesn’t mean I don’t choose to treat them respectfully. Separating the person from the behavior is what makes this possible.)

In order to be on the High Road and treat people with respect regardless of their behavior, one must first understand a basic underlying motivation: people who regularly exhibit difficult behaviors do so because it gets them what they want.  Every human being on earth, myself included, has learned by the age of two that bad behavior gets attention.

We all threw temper tantrums.  Most people grow out of them.  A rare few grow into them.  Then, as adults, those people realize that their bad behavior not only gets them attention, but makes someone else look and feel bad at the same time.  More often than not, the result is that they get what they want.

None of us have the power to change another person.  You can, however, change another person’s behavior.  You can change a difficult behavior by changing the results they receive for that behavior.  In order to change the results they receive, you need to plan ahead so you can respond to the behavior rather than react to it.

•    First, identify the specific behavior you find difficult to handle.  Do not focus on personality characteristics, such as “he’s so negative,” or “she doesn’t listen to anyone.”  Separate the person from the issue and identify the aggravating deed or habit. (“He always cuts me off before I’m finished,” or “She always makes a catty remark when people walk away.”)

•    Once you’ve accomplished that, you can determine what behavior you wish the person would exhibit instead of the one you find difficult to handle.  Start broadly if you must.  (Trust me, in my travels I have heard just about everything:  I wish this person would: eat worms and die, fall off a cliff, spontaneously combust, quit, take early retirement, just go away, just shut up…..)  Work through the extremes to release any venom that might have built up inside you, then narrow your choices down to one specific behavior you wish this person would adopt.

•    With these two steps accomplished you can set a plan to guide the person toward the alternative habits by adjusting the way you respond to their current behavior and therefore changing the results they receive for the behavior.

High Road Challenge for the Day:  Identify one specific person who seems to get under your skin more than others, then get a handle on the behavior that gets to you. Follow the steps I’ve outlined above to create a “battle plan” for your next interaction with him or her. And remember— this isn’t magic. It will take time, effort, and most of all, consistency to help bring about the change you desire.