Knowing When to Let Go

  
It’s happening this week in households across America.  Most specifically, it’s happening this week in my household.  We are packing books, clothes, and dormitory supplies into the car.  Everything else, eighteen years of accumulated, memory-laden “stuff” has been sorted through, cataloged and stored in the basement.  On Wednesday, we will drive our youngest to college and release him into the next chapter of his life.  The mother in me is tied in wretched, emotional knots.  The leader in me knows this is a wonderful and appropriate rite of passage.

Living in the Heartland of America, I have the opportunity to observe the flight of geese twice each year as they make their annual migration south and then north again.  I hear the honking call, and even though I’ve seen it dozens of times. I look up and marvel at their familiar “V” formation.

While my jokester husband will tell you, with a completely straight face, that geese fly in a “V” because it would be too hard to fly in an “S” pattern, there is actually a purpose to the “V” formation they fly in.  First, it conserves their energy. Each bird flies slightly above the bird in front of him, resulting in a reduction of wind resistance. The birds take turns being in the front, falling back when they get tired. This is why the geese can fly extremely long distances before they must stop to rest.  A second benefit to the V formation is that it is easy to keep track of every bird in the group. Flying in formation may assist with the communication and coordination within the group.  Fighter pilots often use this formation for the same reason.  I find this instinctual flight arrangement to be a wonderful, visual representation of a leader’s role within a team. 

In many ways, parenting is the ultimate leadership challenge.  As a parent, I have always endeavored model leadership characteristics for my children, leading by example. Part of true leadership is the ability to recognize when your student, neophyte or child is ready to stand on their own – knowing when they are ready to take the lead and clear their own path for themselves.  Furthermore, a leader must be willing to step into the background at that point and let their pupil stumble a few times while gaining their own stride.

Sometimes it is the leader’s job to be out front, breaking the force of the wind, so as to make the flight of entire team easier.  Other times it is the responsibility of the leader to drop back into the background and honk to cheer the team on, “Go! You can do it.  Go! You can do it.”

This week my role as a leader in the life of my son becomes one of support from the shadows.  Making that transition involves giving up a measure of control and trusting that he has all the skills and character he needs to succeed.  From the background I must now stand and infuse belief into him when his faith in himself falters.  “Go, son!  You can do it.”

High Road Challenge for the Day:  Determine who in your circle of influence you might be holding onto, that could, or should, be released to stand on his or her own merit.  Who is ready to take the lead on a project?  Who can you give more responsibility to?  Part of this process is providing a safe environment for failure, which seems easier to do in a family situation than it would be for a work environment, where dollars and customer base are on the table.  Yet in a work environment it is equally critical for the overall growth of a team.  Believe in them enough to let them wobble a bit.  Stand ready in the background as a cheering section, but let them fly.

Take This Job and Shove It!

 

Take this job and shove it!  This is the sentiment expressed through the actions (if not the exact words, which I will not repeat) of JetBlue Flight Attendant Steven Slater this past week.  Since his dramatic, and much publicized departure from the airplane via the emergency chute, beers in hand, Slater has become a bit of a folk-hero for anyone profoundly frustrated with their job.

When thinking about writing on this subject initially, I was actually quite conflicted.  Slater’s actions were unprofessional and broke several JetBlue policies as well as FAA regulations.  That is nothing to condone, even if one can empathize with his feelings.  On the other hand, I wondered about the passenger that allegedly sparked his tirade.  Standing up and attempting to retrieve your luggage while on an active taxiway is also breaking FAA regulations.  I wondered what, if anything, is being done to prosecute her?  In researching this incident, I could not find any solid reporting on the passenger in question. Indeed there are many differing accounts of what actually happened before and after the flight.  As someone who flies for business a great deal, I certainly have seen my share of rude, self-centric passengers – as well as fatigued, snippy flight attendants.  Luckily, in my experience, both are the exception, not the norm.

This, if nothing else, is clear about this incident: neither the allegedly offending passenger nor Steven Slater was in emotional control that day.  If you are not in emotional control you are completely ineffective.  While it is very probable that the passenger’s behavior was inappropriate and perhaps abusive, she was not on-duty and representing a company (JetBlue), an industry and the FAA.  Slater was representing all of those entities at the time.  In as much, he should have taken steps to regain his emotional control before taking any action at all.  His actions will probably cost him any future in aviation as well as federal prosecution. Taking a step back to think and regain his perspective could have prevented the hardship that is inevitably in his future – public sympathy not withstanding.

High Road Challenge for the Day:  When you are brought to the brink of your emotional control and you feel like you just want to “take this job (this relationship, this co-worker, this committee) and shove it,” take a step back.  Try some of these techniques instead:

•    Breathe – When we are in stressful situations, we often forget to breathe.  This creates an oxygen deprivation in the brain.  Adrenalin kicks in at that point to compensate for that deprivation.  The combination of oxygen deprivation and adrenalin triggers animal instinct, which manifests itself in the “fight or flight” syndrome.  The best way to counteract “fight or flight” is to short-circuit the adrenalin.  The quickest means to that end is to get oxygen to the brain.  Breathing is the most under-appreciated and under-utilized stress reduction technique.  Furthermore, it’s available to every human being for free!

•    Take a break – If you find yourself hanging on to your emotional control by your very last thread, walk away from the situation.  Have an exit line that works for you and remove yourself from the situation before you fall off of that emotional cliff.  You might say something like, “I find that I am not objective in this situation.  I need a moment to pull myself together.  Let’s revisit this in ten minutes.”

•    Count 10 blessings – Most people have heard the tried and true recommendation of counting to 10.  I recommend you count 10 blessings.  I challenge you to count 10 blessings in your life and still be emotionally aggravated.  I find it works like a charm.

•    Affirmation for the moment – Have an affirmation that works for you memorized and ready to kick in when things become tense.  Something that will be playing in the back of your head, speaking to your subconscious, that keeps you in emotional control.  It might be something like, “I am always calm and confident in stressful situations.”  It might be, “Nothing this person says or does can push my buttons.”  Write something that works for you.  Make sure it is posed in the positive, it is present tense and spoken as if the goal is achieved.  Then memorize it so you can retrieve it and play it like a looping tape in the back of your mind to keep yourself in emotional control.

Tell me, what other tactics have you found that work for you in maintaining your emotional control?

What have you done for me lately?

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“Why should I do anything nice for her?  She’s never done anything nice for me.”  A participant asked this question of me this week.  I was discussing the benefits of “priming the pump” – of practicing random acts of kindness.

It is a normal and natural reaction to want to offer a kindness to someone who has been nice to you or offered you a kindness.  It is more challenging to do something nice for someone who has not done anything nice, or has, in fact, been difficult with you.  This was the point I was making to the group this week.  If someone is exhibiting difficult behavior, one exceptional tactic to turn that behavior around is to greet it with random acts of kindness.  The key here is not that they will then do something nice for you in return.  It is about not expecting anything in return.  The focus should not be on what they do, but rather on what you do. 

There is a well-worn adage communicated by that universal sage, “Mom” that specifies, “You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.”  That concept is so true.  If you are struggling with someone, do them a favor.  Do something nice for them.  It will be very hard for you to remain disgruntled with them after you have sincerely and humbly done something nice for them while expecting nothing in return.  My answer to the participant was, “It doesn’t matter what she had done for you.  Lead by example and do something nice for her.”

This is what “priming the pump” is about: giving without thought of what you will get back.  It breaks down barriers.  It makes people smile and it has a tendency to be self-perpetuating.  

High Road Challenge for the Day:  “Prime the pump” in your office or place of business. Execute a random act of kindness.  You can plan it out in advance, or let it be spontaneous. 

Here are some quick ideas:

•    Take an hour out of your normal routine and assist someone else with their work load.
•    Buy lunch for a co-worker you know will be working over their lunch hour.
•    Bring some sweets or cookies and place them anonymously in the break room.
•    Physically go to all the people who really mean something to you at work and thank them.  (Do this face-to-face, not by email.)
•    Randomly ask someone with whom you have little interaction if you can make them a cup of tea or coffee.

These are just some ideas to get your mind rolling.  I know you can come up with more terrific ideas.  I would love to hear back from you.  How did you “prime the pump”?  What was the reaction?  How did it make you feel?  I will be excited to hear about it.