Do You Demand Respect or Earn it?

       
During a series of presentations I did this past week, I became engaged in two discussions on separate sides of the same issue.  On the first day I was presenting to general staff members and on the second to the organization’s leadership team.  The point that came up in both conversations was that of someone demanding respect, rather than earning it.  On the first day I had several staff members who felt they could not respect their manager for various and sundry reasons.   On the second, I had a manager (yes, the same manager) who felt their staff was not respectful to them as a supervisor.

I have often encountered persons in management who assume that respect should come automatically as a result of their position.  This is a short-sighted leadership vision.  Positional respect is shallow and temporary.  Meaningful respect does not come by virtue of the position one holds.  True, significant respect must be earned.

I admonished the staff members on the first day to treat their manager with respect, regardless of whether they feel any actual respect for the person.  Furthermore I encouraged them to re-open their minds and acknowledge what their manager is doing well.  I suggested they give their manager the opportunity to earn their respect from here forward.

Here is the essence of the recommendations I made to the manager as to how they could begin earning the respect of their staff:

•    Pillars of Serenity – most specifically the respect pillar.  In order to be respected, we must first treat others with respect – regardless of whether we like what they think, say or do.  Lead by example on this and model the respectful behavior you wish they would exhibit.

•    Maintain integrity – Do what is right every time, because it’s right – whether anyone is looking or not.  There is no fudging on this.

•    Educate yourself daily – Once we stop learning we start dying.  You don’t have to know everything.  You do have to stay on top of trends, legalities and changes in your organization and industry.

•    Delegate to capable others – Allow your staff to take on responsibilities that give them opportunity for growth.  Once you have delegated, give them the space and authority to carry out those tasks.  Do not micro-manage.

•    Allow them to shine – Be willing to step aside and let your staff shine.  Sometimes it’s a leader’s job to stand in the shadows and allow the spotlight to focus on their team.

•    Be supportive, not competitive – Offer support, mentoring and encouragement to others.  You’re in the position you hold because someone supported and mentored you.  Give back to others in kind.  Their success does not discount you or your success in any way.


These are initial steps that can be taken to begin earning respect from your team.  I’m interested in hearing from others.  What do you find important factors in earning respect?

Releasing Perfectionism

“Lauren, I was in the audience at your presentation last week. You said something that caused me to write a note in the margin of my notebook: ‘release perfectionism.’ This is something that I really struggle with and I know my perfectionism paralyzes me sometimes. You seem to have managed your perfectionism. Can you tell me how you do it?”    Sandra O.



Sandra,

This is such a timely question for me! I was discussing this subject with one of my mentors just this week.


I have certainly struggled (and still struggle) the paralysis that often accompanies perfectionism. I’ve felt conflicted by competing influences – one that says “It doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to be done,” – another that says “If it’s not done right, why are you doing it at all?” (Sometimes those influences are external - sometimes they are internal.) “Managing” our perfectionism is an on-going process for those of us plagued with the perfection virus.


So let’s start with a baseline premise. I would venture to say that as a perfectionist, your perception of “acceptable” or “adequate” is often what others would consider “well done.” (I understand that we of this ilk would often rather be dead than “adequate,” but follow me on this…) So if your “adequate” matches others’ “well done,” nine times out of ten, by your very nature, you are inherently producing a quality result.


Here are other factors that help me on an on-going basis:


• Pillars of Serenity – In Road Signs on the High Road of Life, I introduced the concept of the two Pillars of Serenity that keep us grounded and peaceful in our daily walk, one being your own self-esteem, the other being respect to all people. The pillar most relevant for this discussion is self-esteem. We perfectionists tend to place our value in the quality of, or others’ perception of, the quality of our work. It’s crucial to remember that your value is inherent in the fact that you exist. It’s not in any way related to the work you do.

• Settle for excellence – Even though we strive for perfection, we understand that achieving it is impossible. Therefore, it’s important to settle for and accept excellence as an alternative.

• Internal dialog – I have found that we perfectionists are some of the only people capable of stealing our own joy. Regardless of how amazing our performance might have been, we always tell ourselves, “I could have done it better.” Instead, it’s important to shift that mental dialog to something like “I did an excellent job.”

• Growth framework – You could have always “done it better” – because in truth no one is perfect. Yet, with every effort you are getting better. Perfectionists rarely, if ever, make the same mistake twice, so with every effort you are growing and improving. As long as you are growing and improving, then with every effort you are on target for that perfection you desire. Allowing yourself to be on target for perfection gives you a mental framework wherein you can always feel good about yourself. Make sure you allow yourself that mental framework.


These are some of the things I focus on to assist me in working through my perfectionism. I’m interested to hear from others. What factors help you in overcoming perfectionism paralysis?