Are you Assertive or Persuasive? - Part 2

                 
My last blog highlighted the question, “From a High Road perspective, which characteristic do you feel is more effective — to be assertive or to be persuasive?” I espoused that both characteristics are necessary to lead from a High Road perspective.


I took that opportunity to share The Four Keys to Persuasion. Today I focus on assertiveness.
According to the Oxford English Dictionary, to assert is to: “state an opinion, claim a right, or establish authority. If you assert yourself, you behave in a way that expresses your confidence, importance or power and earns you respect from others.”


As my regular readers know, High Road Communicators always endeavor to:

1. provide a communication environment where all people feel comfortable and respected in their presence

2. stand their own ground, and

3. get their message across in clear and simple terms.

It is important to attempt to see things from another’s perspective without compromising your own needs. Being able to advocate for yourself without being disrespectful or intimidating cultivates a stronger self-image and helps garner you respect from others.


Assertive communication bears six hallmarks, distinctive characteristics you won’t find in passive or aggressive communication.

• Congruent, non-threatening body language – You are always saying something, whether you are speaking or not. Make sure you are communicating the message you desire with your non-verbal indicators and that you are not contradicting yourself. A non-verbal message that is assertive is neutral, squared and centered. It is not convex, aggressive or bristling, nor is it concave, closed off or defensive. Assertive body language indicates confidence and openness.

• An inviting vocal tone – Communicating in a softer, yet confident tone allows others to focus on your message rather than your tone of voice. Renowned communication author and trainer, Michelle Poley recommends a “pass the butter” voice (the tone you would use at the dinner table when asking someone to pass the butter). For the most part that involves a slightly softer volume, lower pitch and slower pace.


• “I” statements – One of the best ways to communicate assertively is to construct your verbal position by using an abundance of “I statements.” “I statements” begin with “I” (rather than “you”) and are not aggressive, accusatory or defensive. Rather than ranting, “You make me so mad!” you might say, “I am angry with you. Rather than saying, “You are always late,” you might say, “I expect you to be on time.”


• Clarity and conciseness – Assertive communicators stay on topic and are able to get to the point. Hemming and hawing or avoiding your point will brand you a passive communicator, while ranting and raving mark you as aggressive.


• Positive focus – People who are assertive keep their focus on the positive rather than dwelling on the negative aspect of a situation. Assertiveness requires a certain measure of optimism.


• A message that is well thought out – A final guideline for communicating assertively is to think before you speak. When I was a child, my mother consistently admonished me, saying, “Activate your brain before you engage your mouth.” Before you speak always ask yourself, “Is what I’m about to say true, kind and necessary?”


High Road Challenge for the Day – Think back on a conversation that did not go well for you. Were you communicating assertively? Take some time in anticipation of an upcoming conversation and devise a strategy that will incorporate each of the assertive characteristics mentioned. Then practice them to ensure the conversation comes out the way you want.

Are you Assertive or Persuasive?

               
During a session I did this week on Leading from the High Road, I found myself mediating a very engaging debate between two participants. The question I had thrown out for discussion was, “From a High Road perspective, which characteristic do you feel is more effective — to be assertive or to be persuasive?” I allowed them to verbally duke it out for a bit before I jumped back in to guide the resolution of the conversation.


The conclusion that I guided them to is – both. I believe it is important to be assertive and persuasive simultaneously. These complimentary characteristics must both be in play to lead productively from a High Road perspective.


As I have mentioned here before, you must be assertive in your communication to be effective. If you are passive, others will steamroll over you. If you are aggressive, you will repel more people than you attract. Truly successful leaders and communicators are consistently assertive. Next week I’ll offer some suggestions on how to communicate assertively; today I want to focus on persuasion.


According to Dictionary.com, persuasion is “the ability to prevail on someone to do something, either by advising or urging.” It’s a trickier skill to master than assertiveness. There are four factors that are essential to being persuasive— I call them my Four Keys to Persuasion.


1. Build rapport first – Establish a relationship at some level as quickly as possible. This allows the other person to see you as an ally immediately. Then, when you need to offer them negative feedback, ask them to make a change or do something in a specific manner, they are less likely to be argumentative, defensive or resistant. People won’t care how much you know until they know how much you care. Every human being on Earth has an invisible sign hanging around their neck that says “Make me feel important.” Read the sign. Build rapport first.



2. Tell them what’s in it for them – Your second key to persuasion involves the proverbial WIIFM – “what’s in it for me?” On that invisible sign everyone has around their neck, underneath the great big letters that say “make me feel important” are little-bitty letters that say “and what’s in it for me?” Give them the “what’s in it for them.” How’s it going to benefit them to improve their performance? How’s it going to benefit them to make that change or do things as you want them done? Frankly, they don’t care how it’s going to benefit you — they do care how’s it’s going to benefit them.



3. Maintain two-way communication – No one likes to be talked at. Everyone appreciates being communicated with. Make sure that communication is flowing well in both directions. This means you need to listen as much, or more than you speak. Listening is the most under-utilized, under-appreciated, under-practiced communication skill – and yet it is crucial. In business, as in life, people feel drawn toward people they believe are listening to them – and tend to discount people they believe are not listening to them. As a High Road Communicator, you want that inertia in your favor. Besides, every human being that I have met thus far in my life was born with two ears and only one mouth. The challenge is remembering to use them in correct proportion! You need to make sure you are listening as much or more than you’re talking.



4. Get their input – People will support that which they helped to create, so get their input. You don’t have to act on every piece of input you get – although if you’re smart, you’ll act on as much of it as you can. Otherwise you’ll build a reputation as someone who is just doing lip-service to gathering input. Get the input every time; act on it when you can.


These Four Keys to Persuasion, when combined with consistent assertive communication, will give you a good start on leading from the High Road.


High Road Challenge for the Day: Think of a time when someone “persuaded” you to do something different than you had planned to do. Did they use Four Keys to Persuasion, or did they steamroll you into submission? Identify how you would use the Four Keys to Persuasion to achieve a similar goal.