Passive-Aggressive Co-Workers?

I received an email from a reader this week:

"I have an issue with one of my co-workers.  She always steps up to the plate when I ask for help or need anything done.  I appreciate that, but every time she does, she goes an extra mile, does more than I would have and does it in a way that makes me feel incompetent or as if I would not have done it as good as she did.  She is always quick with a compliment, but they seem insincere and condescending.  It makes me dread having her on my committees or even being around her.  I am about to explode and say something I shouldn’t.  What is the High Road response to this?" 

Barbie

 
Hi Barbie, what a great question! I know that many of my readers face similar situations, so thanks for bringing it to the High Road for discussion!

It’s important to remember that on the High Road, there are at least three sides to every story: yours, mine, and the truth. That means we’ll need to look at the situation from two points of view, with the understanding that the truth lies somewhere between them.

• It is quite possible that her efforts are sincere. You’ve portrayed her as a very capable and organized person.  To conclude that she is going above and beyond on any task simply to make you look incompetent is perhaps reactionary.
  
  Maybe she is a compliance personality (an analyzer, a thinker), and to put forth anything less than an exceptional effort is not acceptable to her.  If that’s the case, it has nothing to do with you in the slightest.
  
  I would also take the opportunity for introspection.  I would ask myself why my co-worker’s extra-mile efforts trouble me.  Do I need to step up my game?  Is there anything that I can learn from my co-worker for personal growth?
  
  It is always my recommendation that we follow the advice of St. Francis of Assisi (and Stephen Covey): seek first to understand.  Don’t assume the worst.  You would not want someone assuming that your efforts were ill-intended from the start - give her the same benefit of the doubt that you would want extended to you. 

• On the other side is the possibility that her intention is to make you look or feel bad.  It might be her passive-aggressive way of sniping at you and/or others.
  
  I certainly have met many people in my life that glean their self-esteem by belittling, stepping on or – in this case – “showing up” someone else's efforts.  (The truly sad result of that is the so-called self-esteem they gather is not a true self-esteem and therefore does not benefit them for any length of time.)
  
  Difficult people behave the way they do because it gets them what they want.  If this is the case with your co-worker, then the desired result is a rise out of you, some sort of reaction to attest to the fact that she has gotten under your skin.  If that is so, then you would not benefit from giving her that reaction.

To “explode and say something I shouldn’t,” in this situation would not be my recommendation.

Whether this is a question of misinterpreted intentions, possible insecurity on your part or possible passive-aggressive tendencies on her part, my recommendation is going to be the same.  Take the High Road.  Flush (that is mentally flush away) your assumptions regarding her intentions and accept each and every one of her efforts with grace and gratitude, and praise her for a job well done.

High Road Challenge for the Week:  Are there people in your circle of concern that you are making assumptions about, with regard to their thoughts, ideas or intentions?  Remember, there are three sides to every story.  Assume the best of intentions on their part and act accordingly. 

I am consistently getting interesting feedback from my readers.  What are your thoughts on this situation?  How would you recommend Barbie respond to this situation?