You're not listening to me...

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“You’re not listening to me!”  The conflict between two colleagues was beginning to escalate.  I heard the exchange described to me in one of my sessions.  “He always says that. ‘You’re not listening.’  It makes me crazy,” the participant groaned.

Because my approach to communication is a bit different than most, my recommendation to this attendee was not what he expected.  I believe that our goal, as communicators, is three-fold: first, to allow all people to feel comfortable and respected in our presence, while second, standing our own ground and third, getting our message across.  Most communication training comes from the opposite direction and specifies the most important factor in communication to be getting our point across – to be clear.  I believe someone can clearly communicate their message and still leave “dead bodies” behind them as they do business, which is not optimum.  That is why I approach it from the High Road perspective and place our primary objective on allowing all people to feel comfortable and respected in our presence, while we are standing our own ground and getting our message across.

Approaching the situation from this paradigm, my response to the participant was this: “If he is consistently saying that to you, he’s right.  Because what he is really saying is, ‘I believe you are not listening to me,’ which means as a communicator, you have missed the primary objective.”

If someone says to you, “You’re not listening to me.” I recommend you discipline yourself away from the potential knee-jerk response that will most likely come out of your mouth: “Yes I am!”  Instantaneously this puts you on the defensive and in an adversarial position.  Instead, I encourage you to follow a High Road, three-step process to clarification.

1.    Step one: Offer an empathy statement.  It might be something like, “I’m sorry that you might feel that way.”  Acknowledge and empathize with how the other person is feeling.

2.    Step two has two possible directions:

a.    If you were actually listening to them, then paraphrase back what you just heard.  You might say something like, “Let me share with you what I just heard…,” or “My understanding is you meant this…”  The value of reflective paraphrasing is that it allows the other person to grasp that you really did “get” what they said.

b.    We have to acknowledge that sometimes, in certain situations, we really weren’t listening.  If that is the case, I encourage you to admit that and take responsibility for it. “You are right.  I wasn’t listening.  I apologize for that.  Please tell me again and I will listen attentively this time.”

3.    Step three: Whichever fork in the road you take at step two, step three is the same.  Ask the other person, sincerely and humbly, “What was I doing that caused you to believe I wasn’t listening to you?”  Then you can fix it for future growth.  Many people have habits, such as allowing their eyes to wander, doodling or scanning their Blackberry, that cause others to believe they aren’t listening.  This is a terrific opportunity to recognize such habits and adjust them for growth in this area.

Sometimes when someone says, “You’re not listening to me,” what they really mean is “You’re not agreeing with me.”  In such a situation, the first two steps remain the same.  The only adjustment happens in step three.  The direction step three would take at this point would be to clarify the difference between listening and agreeing. “I have heard and understand what you said.  I don’t agree with you.”  This validates the communication without having to validate the sentiment of that communication.

High Road Challenge for the Day: The next time someone says to you, “You’re not listening to me,” put this High Road, three-step process into action.  This will allow the other person to feel comfortable and respected in your presence.  That respect offered to them will then be reciprocated which will allow you to stand your own ground and get your message across.