Got prejudice?

        

“We are each burdened with prejudice; against the poor or the rich, the smart or the slow, the gaunt or the obese.  It is natural to develop prejudices.  It is noble to rise above them.”  ~Author Unknown


Having settled in for a week with the kids home from college, I had the opportunity last night to enjoy a meal around the table with my whole family. (It’s a very rare treat lately.)  The conversation that grows out of our dinners is always intriguing and refreshing.  Last night’s discourse centered on a perceived prejudice that has arisen with one of my daughter’s friends.  This created a lively discussion about what exactly is prejudice, as compared to cultural norms and practices.

Dictionary.com defines prejudice as: “unreasonable feelings, opinions, or attitudes, esp. of a hostile nature, regarding a racial, religious, or national group.” 

I would go beyond that dictionary characterization.  My definition of prejudice (just mine) is any negative feeling toward anyone who looks, thinks, believes, behaves, speaks, dresses, smells, moves or functions differently than I do – any negative feeling toward anyone who is different because they are different. 

As I have mentioned here before and discuss in Road Signs, our goal as High Road communicators is to allow all people to feel comfortable and respected in our presence, while standing our own ground and getting our message across.  In my experience, prejudice is insidious. The negative feelings I used  for my definition of prejudice often originate from understandable circumstances, but slowly take root and grow out of control until the original reasoning is lost. At that point, it becomes each individual’s choice to continue to grant  those feelings control, or to instead choose the high road in order to allow feelings of mutual respect and comfort, which in turn brings about all the benefits of High Road communication.

Here are four steps that will help you choose to travel on the right road.

1.    Investigate your differences – Dr. Stephen Covey, who wrote the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, encourages us to seek first to understand, then to be understood.  That means our job as High Road communicators (the natural extension of our goal) is to meet who we are communicating with at his or her comfort zone – not assume they will meet us at ours.  It is our responsibility to investigate, accept and internalize the differences between us.

2.   Change your perspective – Hopefully investigating your differences will allow you to step into the other person’s shoes and see things from a different paradigm.  Doing so can allow you to empathize with them.  Empathy is a very strong antidote for prejudice.

3.    Modify your reaction – There is a profound difference between reaction and response.  Reaction is emotional, visceral, knee-jerk.  Response requires thought.  When in the presence of someone against whom we have a prejudice (for whatever reason) there is usually a conditioned, physiological reaction.  Hopefully working through these first two steps will allow you to change that conditioned reaction.

4.    Discipline your response – If doing these steps hasn't allowed you to change your reaction and see the person on a more equal ground, I encourage you to discipline your response. Verify that each of your proposed actions and/or words would be equal to situations where no prejudice is involved.


High Road Challenge for the Day – When your gut instinct tells you to perceive someone negatively because they are different in any way, stop.  Work through these steps.  The key to High Road communicating is not to be completely without prejudice.  The key is communicating in a manner such that no one would ever know.

Your Words are Like Toothpaste

       

I recently had the opportunity to teach conflict management skills to at-risk teens for a major urban Boys and Girls Club. It was an exciting challenge.

I segued into a new section with them by throwing out some famous statements (or misstatements) and asking if they could tell me who said them. I was not surprised to discover that, even though some of the statements were quite classic, most of the teens knew who had said them and in what context. They included:


“Read my lips: no new taxes.”

“I am not a crook.”

“If the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”

“Can’t we all just get along?”

“I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

“Mission accomplished.”


(and more recently…)

“I’d like my life back.”

“I am not a witch.”


I then gave each of them a cocktail-sized paper plate and a travel-sized tube of toothpaste. I said, “For this next exercise we’ll need some toothpaste. So, let’s get some toothpaste out on the plates.” I watched as some of them squeezed the entire tube onto their plate. Some people doled out more conservative piles. There were some pea-sized dollops. I waited until everyone had toothpaste on their plate and then I said, “Dang! I forgot. That’s not this exercise, it’s the next exercise. Okay…. We don’t want the toothpaste to go to waste, so let’s put it back in the tubes for now.”


They looked at me as if I had suddenly sprouted two extra heads. I said “What? You can’t do that? Well, of course you can’t. Once the toothpaste is out of its tube, it’s out. Your words are the much same way— once they leave your mouth… (The new section was a section on mouth management, of course…)


It is important to understand that our words are like toothpaste. Anything and everything we utter is permanently attached to us because it came out of our mouths. We’ve all seen lawyer shows on TV where the attorney asks a question, the other lawyer objects, and the original lawyer says “withdrawn.” She or he knows the damage has been done, and even if the jury is told to disregard something, that’s incredibly hard to do. How many times have you heard someone say something in anger, then apologize profusely and say “I didn’t mean it”? The hurt feelings don’t go away—they linger, even when forgiveness is offered.


This is why High Road communication is so crucial.

High Road Challenge for the Day:

As Dr. Stephen Covey recommends in his Seven Habits of Highly Effective People (habit #1), be proactive about what comes out of your mouth.

Before you speak, ask yourself:

• Is what I’m about to say true?

• Is it kind?

• Is it necessary?

• Would I want this statement attached to my name permanently?


and temper your words accordingly.

Is My Office-Mate an Alien?

                                                  
“It’s like my office-mate is a Martian or something,” was the lament of the gal in the third row. “We just never seem to be speaking the same language.”



Chances are, her office-mate is not an extra-terrestrial. They just aren’t synchronized in their communication.


I’ve expressed before that our goal as High Road communicators is to allow all people to feel comfortable and respected in our presence, while standing our own ground and getting our message across. With that goal in mind, then our job is to meet who we are communicating with at his or her comfort zone, not assume they are going to meet us at ours – or even meet us half way.  Adapting in this way allows us to offer information in a manner that is easy for the recipient to absorb and act upon, keeping us in sync more often.


Flexing ourselves to someone else’s communication comfort zone is a skill that can be developed and honed. I encourage you (just as I encouraged that gal in the third row) to begin by focusing on the following questions:


• Is this person a morning person or an afternoon person? Try to have the most important and meaningful conversations during their peak periods, when they are firing on all mental cylinders.


• Is this person naturally fast paced or more methodical? Mirror their pace in your communication. If they are naturally face paced, speed up, cut to the chase, summarize first. If they are naturally more methodical than you are, slow it down so they can absorb and process what you are saying at their own speed.


• Is this person relationship oriented or results oriented? You will want to focus on either the personal aspects of the subject or merely the facts depending on which way they naturally lean.


• What generation does this person fall into? For the first time in American history there are four generations in the workforce, and each generation has different emotional drivers. Do your research and adapt your communication to fill the generation-related motivational needs of the recipient.


• Does this person have masculine or feminine communication tendencies? Those with masculine communication characteristics tend to “report” – to give or get information. They talk about facts. Those with feminine characteristics communicate to build rapport and strengthen relationships. They talk about feelings. Flex yourself to their gender style when necessary.


• Is this person under undue pressure or on deadline? Be respectful of their work load and deadlines, as you would want them to be of yours.


This communication flexing may seem cumbersome at first, but the beneficial results make it well worth the effort. With practice it becomes easier and you will find yourself adapting automatically without thinking about it.