Children Will Listen

                   
This past Saturday our nation was thunderstruck by a senseless act of violence: a shooting in Tucson, Arizona that took the lives of six and wounded 14 others at a “meet and greet” hosted by Arizona Representative Gabrielle Gifford, who was also one of the victims. Like so many of us, upon hearing the shocking news, I asked myself, “WHY?”


Immediately after the Tucson tragedy, many fingers pointed north to Alaska, because of a map Sarah Palin had posted on her website. It might be a natural connection to assume that the cross-hairs map had an influence on the shooter – although he has made no statement to that effect and there is no solid evidence of that assumed influence.

It is important to note that guilt for this horrible act rests exclusively on Jared Lee Loughner’s shoulders. The ensuing debate concerning responsibility for, and/or influence over the shooter’s actions has also struck me profoundly.

My travels this week have involved a great deal of driving and I took the opportunity to take along the soundtrack to one of my favorite musicals of all time, Stephen Sondheim’s Into the Woods. This may seem like an abrupt change of subject to you, but follow me for a moment. Much of my life has been deeply entrenched in music and theater. Lyrics from musical theater have often verbalized emotional responses for me when I could not seem to verbalize them myself. On one leg of my journey this week, I hit upon a moment in the finale of Into the Woods that reduced me to tears, and I had to pull over on the side of the road and finally let the grief I had repressed regarding this horrendous crime work its way out of me.

Stephen Sondheim eloquently verbalized my feelings at the moment (and a larger point I have communicated here many times) with these words:

Careful the things you say
Children will listen
Careful the things you do
Children will see and learn
Children may not obey, but children will listen
Children will look to you for which way to turn
To learn what to be
Careful before you say "Listen to me"
Children will listen

Through all the posturing and dialoging that has gone on this week, I think the best insight came from International Space Station Commander Scott Kelly (Gabby Gifford’s brother-in-law):

"As I look out the window, I see a very beautiful planet that seems very inviting and peaceful. Unfortunately, it is not. These days, we are constantly reminded of the unspeakable acts of violence and damage we can inflict upon one another, not just with our actions but also with our irresponsible words. We are better than this. We must do better."


High Road Challenge for the Week: Think before you speak. Think before you write. Consider who might act upon your words and in what context. Distill your words through this filter: “Is what I’m about to say or publish true? Is it kind? How might it incite people to action? Is it responsible? Is it necessary?

2011 - I'm Resolved, Are You?

               
2010 has passed into memory now and we are two days into 2011. It is customary at the onset of a new year to reflect on the one just expired and establish resolutions for the one that stretches before us.


I have been asked several times in the past 48 hours what my resolutions for the new year might be. While I have never actually put much stock into verbalizing resolutions just because it is the beginning of a new year, the question has caused me to think about my continuing personal growth. Therefore, as I endeavor to grow in specific areas over the next year, I encourage you to join me and:

• Focus on your strengths

So much of our time is spent dwelling on our weaknesses and what we don’t do well. Instead, I encourage you to focus on what you are proficient at, your core-competency. Everyone has their talents and strengths – unique to themselves. Focus on those and delegate that which you don’t do well to capable others.


• Ask questions

We have all heard the adage regarding how to break down the word “assume.” Asking questions to clarify understanding prevents misunderstandings and misinterpretations and also reduces conflict. It's especially valuable to ask questions rather than presuming another’s intentions or motivations. Furthermore clarifying your understanding can save a great deal of time so often wasted when one proceeds on assumptions.


• Admit when you are wrong

When used in this order, “I was wrong,” are three of the most valuable words in High Road communication. Rather than indicating weakness – recognizing, owning up to and admitting when you are wrong is both a sign of character and a High Road mentality.


• Give up to go up

As Dr. John C. Maxwell shares with us in his book The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership, you have to give up to go up. (Law #18 – The Law of Sacrifice) Many times it is necessary to give up what is secure, stable and, perhaps, stagnant to grow in areas that are riskier but may have a larger return in the long run.


• Find opportunity in crisis

It is so easy, especially in this uncertain time and economy, to see potential doom in a bad turn of events. I encourage you to start thinking outside the gloom and ask yourself, “How can this potential obstacle be turned into an opportunity?”



I think that is a healthy amount of paradigm shift for the beginning of my year. I am curious, what will YOU be focusing on for your personal growth as we enthusiastically embrace 2011?  Please enter your responses in the comments section, where they can inspire and motivate other readers to find their High Road Solutions for 2011.

Are you Assertive or Persuasive? - Part 2

                 
My last blog highlighted the question, “From a High Road perspective, which characteristic do you feel is more effective — to be assertive or to be persuasive?” I espoused that both characteristics are necessary to lead from a High Road perspective.


I took that opportunity to share The Four Keys to Persuasion. Today I focus on assertiveness.
According to the Oxford English Dictionary, to assert is to: “state an opinion, claim a right, or establish authority. If you assert yourself, you behave in a way that expresses your confidence, importance or power and earns you respect from others.”


As my regular readers know, High Road Communicators always endeavor to:

1. provide a communication environment where all people feel comfortable and respected in their presence

2. stand their own ground, and

3. get their message across in clear and simple terms.

It is important to attempt to see things from another’s perspective without compromising your own needs. Being able to advocate for yourself without being disrespectful or intimidating cultivates a stronger self-image and helps garner you respect from others.


Assertive communication bears six hallmarks, distinctive characteristics you won’t find in passive or aggressive communication.

• Congruent, non-threatening body language – You are always saying something, whether you are speaking or not. Make sure you are communicating the message you desire with your non-verbal indicators and that you are not contradicting yourself. A non-verbal message that is assertive is neutral, squared and centered. It is not convex, aggressive or bristling, nor is it concave, closed off or defensive. Assertive body language indicates confidence and openness.

• An inviting vocal tone – Communicating in a softer, yet confident tone allows others to focus on your message rather than your tone of voice. Renowned communication author and trainer, Michelle Poley recommends a “pass the butter” voice (the tone you would use at the dinner table when asking someone to pass the butter). For the most part that involves a slightly softer volume, lower pitch and slower pace.


• “I” statements – One of the best ways to communicate assertively is to construct your verbal position by using an abundance of “I statements.” “I statements” begin with “I” (rather than “you”) and are not aggressive, accusatory or defensive. Rather than ranting, “You make me so mad!” you might say, “I am angry with you. Rather than saying, “You are always late,” you might say, “I expect you to be on time.”


• Clarity and conciseness – Assertive communicators stay on topic and are able to get to the point. Hemming and hawing or avoiding your point will brand you a passive communicator, while ranting and raving mark you as aggressive.


• Positive focus – People who are assertive keep their focus on the positive rather than dwelling on the negative aspect of a situation. Assertiveness requires a certain measure of optimism.


• A message that is well thought out – A final guideline for communicating assertively is to think before you speak. When I was a child, my mother consistently admonished me, saying, “Activate your brain before you engage your mouth.” Before you speak always ask yourself, “Is what I’m about to say true, kind and necessary?”


High Road Challenge for the Day – Think back on a conversation that did not go well for you. Were you communicating assertively? Take some time in anticipation of an upcoming conversation and devise a strategy that will incorporate each of the assertive characteristics mentioned. Then practice them to ensure the conversation comes out the way you want.

Are you Assertive or Persuasive?

               
During a session I did this week on Leading from the High Road, I found myself mediating a very engaging debate between two participants. The question I had thrown out for discussion was, “From a High Road perspective, which characteristic do you feel is more effective — to be assertive or to be persuasive?” I allowed them to verbally duke it out for a bit before I jumped back in to guide the resolution of the conversation.


The conclusion that I guided them to is – both. I believe it is important to be assertive and persuasive simultaneously. These complimentary characteristics must both be in play to lead productively from a High Road perspective.


As I have mentioned here before, you must be assertive in your communication to be effective. If you are passive, others will steamroll over you. If you are aggressive, you will repel more people than you attract. Truly successful leaders and communicators are consistently assertive. Next week I’ll offer some suggestions on how to communicate assertively; today I want to focus on persuasion.


According to Dictionary.com, persuasion is “the ability to prevail on someone to do something, either by advising or urging.” It’s a trickier skill to master than assertiveness. There are four factors that are essential to being persuasive— I call them my Four Keys to Persuasion.


1. Build rapport first – Establish a relationship at some level as quickly as possible. This allows the other person to see you as an ally immediately. Then, when you need to offer them negative feedback, ask them to make a change or do something in a specific manner, they are less likely to be argumentative, defensive or resistant. People won’t care how much you know until they know how much you care. Every human being on Earth has an invisible sign hanging around their neck that says “Make me feel important.” Read the sign. Build rapport first.



2. Tell them what’s in it for them – Your second key to persuasion involves the proverbial WIIFM – “what’s in it for me?” On that invisible sign everyone has around their neck, underneath the great big letters that say “make me feel important” are little-bitty letters that say “and what’s in it for me?” Give them the “what’s in it for them.” How’s it going to benefit them to improve their performance? How’s it going to benefit them to make that change or do things as you want them done? Frankly, they don’t care how it’s going to benefit you — they do care how’s it’s going to benefit them.



3. Maintain two-way communication – No one likes to be talked at. Everyone appreciates being communicated with. Make sure that communication is flowing well in both directions. This means you need to listen as much, or more than you speak. Listening is the most under-utilized, under-appreciated, under-practiced communication skill – and yet it is crucial. In business, as in life, people feel drawn toward people they believe are listening to them – and tend to discount people they believe are not listening to them. As a High Road Communicator, you want that inertia in your favor. Besides, every human being that I have met thus far in my life was born with two ears and only one mouth. The challenge is remembering to use them in correct proportion! You need to make sure you are listening as much or more than you’re talking.



4. Get their input – People will support that which they helped to create, so get their input. You don’t have to act on every piece of input you get – although if you’re smart, you’ll act on as much of it as you can. Otherwise you’ll build a reputation as someone who is just doing lip-service to gathering input. Get the input every time; act on it when you can.


These Four Keys to Persuasion, when combined with consistent assertive communication, will give you a good start on leading from the High Road.


High Road Challenge for the Day: Think of a time when someone “persuaded” you to do something different than you had planned to do. Did they use Four Keys to Persuasion, or did they steamroll you into submission? Identify how you would use the Four Keys to Persuasion to achieve a similar goal.

Got prejudice?

        

“We are each burdened with prejudice; against the poor or the rich, the smart or the slow, the gaunt or the obese.  It is natural to develop prejudices.  It is noble to rise above them.”  ~Author Unknown


Having settled in for a week with the kids home from college, I had the opportunity last night to enjoy a meal around the table with my whole family. (It’s a very rare treat lately.)  The conversation that grows out of our dinners is always intriguing and refreshing.  Last night’s discourse centered on a perceived prejudice that has arisen with one of my daughter’s friends.  This created a lively discussion about what exactly is prejudice, as compared to cultural norms and practices.

Dictionary.com defines prejudice as: “unreasonable feelings, opinions, or attitudes, esp. of a hostile nature, regarding a racial, religious, or national group.” 

I would go beyond that dictionary characterization.  My definition of prejudice (just mine) is any negative feeling toward anyone who looks, thinks, believes, behaves, speaks, dresses, smells, moves or functions differently than I do – any negative feeling toward anyone who is different because they are different. 

As I have mentioned here before and discuss in Road Signs, our goal as High Road communicators is to allow all people to feel comfortable and respected in our presence, while standing our own ground and getting our message across.  In my experience, prejudice is insidious. The negative feelings I used  for my definition of prejudice often originate from understandable circumstances, but slowly take root and grow out of control until the original reasoning is lost. At that point, it becomes each individual’s choice to continue to grant  those feelings control, or to instead choose the high road in order to allow feelings of mutual respect and comfort, which in turn brings about all the benefits of High Road communication.

Here are four steps that will help you choose to travel on the right road.

1.    Investigate your differences – Dr. Stephen Covey, who wrote the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, encourages us to seek first to understand, then to be understood.  That means our job as High Road communicators (the natural extension of our goal) is to meet who we are communicating with at his or her comfort zone – not assume they will meet us at ours.  It is our responsibility to investigate, accept and internalize the differences between us.

2.   Change your perspective – Hopefully investigating your differences will allow you to step into the other person’s shoes and see things from a different paradigm.  Doing so can allow you to empathize with them.  Empathy is a very strong antidote for prejudice.

3.    Modify your reaction – There is a profound difference between reaction and response.  Reaction is emotional, visceral, knee-jerk.  Response requires thought.  When in the presence of someone against whom we have a prejudice (for whatever reason) there is usually a conditioned, physiological reaction.  Hopefully working through these first two steps will allow you to change that conditioned reaction.

4.    Discipline your response – If doing these steps hasn't allowed you to change your reaction and see the person on a more equal ground, I encourage you to discipline your response. Verify that each of your proposed actions and/or words would be equal to situations where no prejudice is involved.


High Road Challenge for the Day – When your gut instinct tells you to perceive someone negatively because they are different in any way, stop.  Work through these steps.  The key to High Road communicating is not to be completely without prejudice.  The key is communicating in a manner such that no one would ever know.

Your Words are Like Toothpaste

       

I recently had the opportunity to teach conflict management skills to at-risk teens for a major urban Boys and Girls Club. It was an exciting challenge.

I segued into a new section with them by throwing out some famous statements (or misstatements) and asking if they could tell me who said them. I was not surprised to discover that, even though some of the statements were quite classic, most of the teens knew who had said them and in what context. They included:


“Read my lips: no new taxes.”

“I am not a crook.”

“If the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”

“Can’t we all just get along?”

“I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

“Mission accomplished.”


(and more recently…)

“I’d like my life back.”

“I am not a witch.”


I then gave each of them a cocktail-sized paper plate and a travel-sized tube of toothpaste. I said, “For this next exercise we’ll need some toothpaste. So, let’s get some toothpaste out on the plates.” I watched as some of them squeezed the entire tube onto their plate. Some people doled out more conservative piles. There were some pea-sized dollops. I waited until everyone had toothpaste on their plate and then I said, “Dang! I forgot. That’s not this exercise, it’s the next exercise. Okay…. We don’t want the toothpaste to go to waste, so let’s put it back in the tubes for now.”


They looked at me as if I had suddenly sprouted two extra heads. I said “What? You can’t do that? Well, of course you can’t. Once the toothpaste is out of its tube, it’s out. Your words are the much same way— once they leave your mouth… (The new section was a section on mouth management, of course…)


It is important to understand that our words are like toothpaste. Anything and everything we utter is permanently attached to us because it came out of our mouths. We’ve all seen lawyer shows on TV where the attorney asks a question, the other lawyer objects, and the original lawyer says “withdrawn.” She or he knows the damage has been done, and even if the jury is told to disregard something, that’s incredibly hard to do. How many times have you heard someone say something in anger, then apologize profusely and say “I didn’t mean it”? The hurt feelings don’t go away—they linger, even when forgiveness is offered.


This is why High Road communication is so crucial.

High Road Challenge for the Day:

As Dr. Stephen Covey recommends in his Seven Habits of Highly Effective People (habit #1), be proactive about what comes out of your mouth.

Before you speak, ask yourself:

• Is what I’m about to say true?

• Is it kind?

• Is it necessary?

• Would I want this statement attached to my name permanently?


and temper your words accordingly.

Is My Office-Mate an Alien?

                                                  
“It’s like my office-mate is a Martian or something,” was the lament of the gal in the third row. “We just never seem to be speaking the same language.”



Chances are, her office-mate is not an extra-terrestrial. They just aren’t synchronized in their communication.


I’ve expressed before that our goal as High Road communicators is to allow all people to feel comfortable and respected in our presence, while standing our own ground and getting our message across. With that goal in mind, then our job is to meet who we are communicating with at his or her comfort zone, not assume they are going to meet us at ours – or even meet us half way.  Adapting in this way allows us to offer information in a manner that is easy for the recipient to absorb and act upon, keeping us in sync more often.


Flexing ourselves to someone else’s communication comfort zone is a skill that can be developed and honed. I encourage you (just as I encouraged that gal in the third row) to begin by focusing on the following questions:


• Is this person a morning person or an afternoon person? Try to have the most important and meaningful conversations during their peak periods, when they are firing on all mental cylinders.


• Is this person naturally fast paced or more methodical? Mirror their pace in your communication. If they are naturally face paced, speed up, cut to the chase, summarize first. If they are naturally more methodical than you are, slow it down so they can absorb and process what you are saying at their own speed.


• Is this person relationship oriented or results oriented? You will want to focus on either the personal aspects of the subject or merely the facts depending on which way they naturally lean.


• What generation does this person fall into? For the first time in American history there are four generations in the workforce, and each generation has different emotional drivers. Do your research and adapt your communication to fill the generation-related motivational needs of the recipient.


• Does this person have masculine or feminine communication tendencies? Those with masculine communication characteristics tend to “report” – to give or get information. They talk about facts. Those with feminine characteristics communicate to build rapport and strengthen relationships. They talk about feelings. Flex yourself to their gender style when necessary.


• Is this person under undue pressure or on deadline? Be respectful of their work load and deadlines, as you would want them to be of yours.


This communication flexing may seem cumbersome at first, but the beneficial results make it well worth the effort. With practice it becomes easier and you will find yourself adapting automatically without thinking about it.