Do You Demand Respect or Earn it?

       
During a series of presentations I did this past week, I became engaged in two discussions on separate sides of the same issue.  On the first day I was presenting to general staff members and on the second to the organization’s leadership team.  The point that came up in both conversations was that of someone demanding respect, rather than earning it.  On the first day I had several staff members who felt they could not respect their manager for various and sundry reasons.   On the second, I had a manager (yes, the same manager) who felt their staff was not respectful to them as a supervisor.

I have often encountered persons in management who assume that respect should come automatically as a result of their position.  This is a short-sighted leadership vision.  Positional respect is shallow and temporary.  Meaningful respect does not come by virtue of the position one holds.  True, significant respect must be earned.

I admonished the staff members on the first day to treat their manager with respect, regardless of whether they feel any actual respect for the person.  Furthermore I encouraged them to re-open their minds and acknowledge what their manager is doing well.  I suggested they give their manager the opportunity to earn their respect from here forward.

Here is the essence of the recommendations I made to the manager as to how they could begin earning the respect of their staff:

•    Pillars of Serenity – most specifically the respect pillar.  In order to be respected, we must first treat others with respect – regardless of whether we like what they think, say or do.  Lead by example on this and model the respectful behavior you wish they would exhibit.

•    Maintain integrity – Do what is right every time, because it’s right – whether anyone is looking or not.  There is no fudging on this.

•    Educate yourself daily – Once we stop learning we start dying.  You don’t have to know everything.  You do have to stay on top of trends, legalities and changes in your organization and industry.

•    Delegate to capable others – Allow your staff to take on responsibilities that give them opportunity for growth.  Once you have delegated, give them the space and authority to carry out those tasks.  Do not micro-manage.

•    Allow them to shine – Be willing to step aside and let your staff shine.  Sometimes it’s a leader’s job to stand in the shadows and allow the spotlight to focus on their team.

•    Be supportive, not competitive – Offer support, mentoring and encouragement to others.  You’re in the position you hold because someone supported and mentored you.  Give back to others in kind.  Their success does not discount you or your success in any way.


These are initial steps that can be taken to begin earning respect from your team.  I’m interested in hearing from others.  What do you find important factors in earning respect?

Releasing Perfectionism

“Lauren, I was in the audience at your presentation last week. You said something that caused me to write a note in the margin of my notebook: ‘release perfectionism.’ This is something that I really struggle with and I know my perfectionism paralyzes me sometimes. You seem to have managed your perfectionism. Can you tell me how you do it?”    Sandra O.



Sandra,

This is such a timely question for me! I was discussing this subject with one of my mentors just this week.


I have certainly struggled (and still struggle) the paralysis that often accompanies perfectionism. I’ve felt conflicted by competing influences – one that says “It doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to be done,” – another that says “If it’s not done right, why are you doing it at all?” (Sometimes those influences are external - sometimes they are internal.) “Managing” our perfectionism is an on-going process for those of us plagued with the perfection virus.


So let’s start with a baseline premise. I would venture to say that as a perfectionist, your perception of “acceptable” or “adequate” is often what others would consider “well done.” (I understand that we of this ilk would often rather be dead than “adequate,” but follow me on this…) So if your “adequate” matches others’ “well done,” nine times out of ten, by your very nature, you are inherently producing a quality result.


Here are other factors that help me on an on-going basis:


• Pillars of Serenity – In Road Signs on the High Road of Life, I introduced the concept of the two Pillars of Serenity that keep us grounded and peaceful in our daily walk, one being your own self-esteem, the other being respect to all people. The pillar most relevant for this discussion is self-esteem. We perfectionists tend to place our value in the quality of, or others’ perception of, the quality of our work. It’s crucial to remember that your value is inherent in the fact that you exist. It’s not in any way related to the work you do.

• Settle for excellence – Even though we strive for perfection, we understand that achieving it is impossible. Therefore, it’s important to settle for and accept excellence as an alternative.

• Internal dialog – I have found that we perfectionists are some of the only people capable of stealing our own joy. Regardless of how amazing our performance might have been, we always tell ourselves, “I could have done it better.” Instead, it’s important to shift that mental dialog to something like “I did an excellent job.”

• Growth framework – You could have always “done it better” – because in truth no one is perfect. Yet, with every effort you are getting better. Perfectionists rarely, if ever, make the same mistake twice, so with every effort you are growing and improving. As long as you are growing and improving, then with every effort you are on target for that perfection you desire. Allowing yourself to be on target for perfection gives you a mental framework wherein you can always feel good about yourself. Make sure you allow yourself that mental framework.


These are some of the things I focus on to assist me in working through my perfectionism. I’m interested to hear from others. What factors help you in overcoming perfectionism paralysis?

Knowing When to Let Go

  
It’s happening this week in households across America.  Most specifically, it’s happening this week in my household.  We are packing books, clothes, and dormitory supplies into the car.  Everything else, eighteen years of accumulated, memory-laden “stuff” has been sorted through, cataloged and stored in the basement.  On Wednesday, we will drive our youngest to college and release him into the next chapter of his life.  The mother in me is tied in wretched, emotional knots.  The leader in me knows this is a wonderful and appropriate rite of passage.

Living in the Heartland of America, I have the opportunity to observe the flight of geese twice each year as they make their annual migration south and then north again.  I hear the honking call, and even though I’ve seen it dozens of times. I look up and marvel at their familiar “V” formation.

While my jokester husband will tell you, with a completely straight face, that geese fly in a “V” because it would be too hard to fly in an “S” pattern, there is actually a purpose to the “V” formation they fly in.  First, it conserves their energy. Each bird flies slightly above the bird in front of him, resulting in a reduction of wind resistance. The birds take turns being in the front, falling back when they get tired. This is why the geese can fly extremely long distances before they must stop to rest.  A second benefit to the V formation is that it is easy to keep track of every bird in the group. Flying in formation may assist with the communication and coordination within the group.  Fighter pilots often use this formation for the same reason.  I find this instinctual flight arrangement to be a wonderful, visual representation of a leader’s role within a team. 

In many ways, parenting is the ultimate leadership challenge.  As a parent, I have always endeavored model leadership characteristics for my children, leading by example. Part of true leadership is the ability to recognize when your student, neophyte or child is ready to stand on their own – knowing when they are ready to take the lead and clear their own path for themselves.  Furthermore, a leader must be willing to step into the background at that point and let their pupil stumble a few times while gaining their own stride.

Sometimes it is the leader’s job to be out front, breaking the force of the wind, so as to make the flight of entire team easier.  Other times it is the responsibility of the leader to drop back into the background and honk to cheer the team on, “Go! You can do it.  Go! You can do it.”

This week my role as a leader in the life of my son becomes one of support from the shadows.  Making that transition involves giving up a measure of control and trusting that he has all the skills and character he needs to succeed.  From the background I must now stand and infuse belief into him when his faith in himself falters.  “Go, son!  You can do it.”

High Road Challenge for the Day:  Determine who in your circle of influence you might be holding onto, that could, or should, be released to stand on his or her own merit.  Who is ready to take the lead on a project?  Who can you give more responsibility to?  Part of this process is providing a safe environment for failure, which seems easier to do in a family situation than it would be for a work environment, where dollars and customer base are on the table.  Yet in a work environment it is equally critical for the overall growth of a team.  Believe in them enough to let them wobble a bit.  Stand ready in the background as a cheering section, but let them fly.

Take This Job and Shove It!

 

Take this job and shove it!  This is the sentiment expressed through the actions (if not the exact words, which I will not repeat) of JetBlue Flight Attendant Steven Slater this past week.  Since his dramatic, and much publicized departure from the airplane via the emergency chute, beers in hand, Slater has become a bit of a folk-hero for anyone profoundly frustrated with their job.

When thinking about writing on this subject initially, I was actually quite conflicted.  Slater’s actions were unprofessional and broke several JetBlue policies as well as FAA regulations.  That is nothing to condone, even if one can empathize with his feelings.  On the other hand, I wondered about the passenger that allegedly sparked his tirade.  Standing up and attempting to retrieve your luggage while on an active taxiway is also breaking FAA regulations.  I wondered what, if anything, is being done to prosecute her?  In researching this incident, I could not find any solid reporting on the passenger in question. Indeed there are many differing accounts of what actually happened before and after the flight.  As someone who flies for business a great deal, I certainly have seen my share of rude, self-centric passengers – as well as fatigued, snippy flight attendants.  Luckily, in my experience, both are the exception, not the norm.

This, if nothing else, is clear about this incident: neither the allegedly offending passenger nor Steven Slater was in emotional control that day.  If you are not in emotional control you are completely ineffective.  While it is very probable that the passenger’s behavior was inappropriate and perhaps abusive, she was not on-duty and representing a company (JetBlue), an industry and the FAA.  Slater was representing all of those entities at the time.  In as much, he should have taken steps to regain his emotional control before taking any action at all.  His actions will probably cost him any future in aviation as well as federal prosecution. Taking a step back to think and regain his perspective could have prevented the hardship that is inevitably in his future – public sympathy not withstanding.

High Road Challenge for the Day:  When you are brought to the brink of your emotional control and you feel like you just want to “take this job (this relationship, this co-worker, this committee) and shove it,” take a step back.  Try some of these techniques instead:

•    Breathe – When we are in stressful situations, we often forget to breathe.  This creates an oxygen deprivation in the brain.  Adrenalin kicks in at that point to compensate for that deprivation.  The combination of oxygen deprivation and adrenalin triggers animal instinct, which manifests itself in the “fight or flight” syndrome.  The best way to counteract “fight or flight” is to short-circuit the adrenalin.  The quickest means to that end is to get oxygen to the brain.  Breathing is the most under-appreciated and under-utilized stress reduction technique.  Furthermore, it’s available to every human being for free!

•    Take a break – If you find yourself hanging on to your emotional control by your very last thread, walk away from the situation.  Have an exit line that works for you and remove yourself from the situation before you fall off of that emotional cliff.  You might say something like, “I find that I am not objective in this situation.  I need a moment to pull myself together.  Let’s revisit this in ten minutes.”

•    Count 10 blessings – Most people have heard the tried and true recommendation of counting to 10.  I recommend you count 10 blessings.  I challenge you to count 10 blessings in your life and still be emotionally aggravated.  I find it works like a charm.

•    Affirmation for the moment – Have an affirmation that works for you memorized and ready to kick in when things become tense.  Something that will be playing in the back of your head, speaking to your subconscious, that keeps you in emotional control.  It might be something like, “I am always calm and confident in stressful situations.”  It might be, “Nothing this person says or does can push my buttons.”  Write something that works for you.  Make sure it is posed in the positive, it is present tense and spoken as if the goal is achieved.  Then memorize it so you can retrieve it and play it like a looping tape in the back of your mind to keep yourself in emotional control.

Tell me, what other tactics have you found that work for you in maintaining your emotional control?

What have you done for me lately?

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“Why should I do anything nice for her?  She’s never done anything nice for me.”  A participant asked this question of me this week.  I was discussing the benefits of “priming the pump” – of practicing random acts of kindness.

It is a normal and natural reaction to want to offer a kindness to someone who has been nice to you or offered you a kindness.  It is more challenging to do something nice for someone who has not done anything nice, or has, in fact, been difficult with you.  This was the point I was making to the group this week.  If someone is exhibiting difficult behavior, one exceptional tactic to turn that behavior around is to greet it with random acts of kindness.  The key here is not that they will then do something nice for you in return.  It is about not expecting anything in return.  The focus should not be on what they do, but rather on what you do. 

There is a well-worn adage communicated by that universal sage, “Mom” that specifies, “You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.”  That concept is so true.  If you are struggling with someone, do them a favor.  Do something nice for them.  It will be very hard for you to remain disgruntled with them after you have sincerely and humbly done something nice for them while expecting nothing in return.  My answer to the participant was, “It doesn’t matter what she had done for you.  Lead by example and do something nice for her.”

This is what “priming the pump” is about: giving without thought of what you will get back.  It breaks down barriers.  It makes people smile and it has a tendency to be self-perpetuating.  

High Road Challenge for the Day:  “Prime the pump” in your office or place of business. Execute a random act of kindness.  You can plan it out in advance, or let it be spontaneous. 

Here are some quick ideas:

•    Take an hour out of your normal routine and assist someone else with their work load.
•    Buy lunch for a co-worker you know will be working over their lunch hour.
•    Bring some sweets or cookies and place them anonymously in the break room.
•    Physically go to all the people who really mean something to you at work and thank them.  (Do this face-to-face, not by email.)
•    Randomly ask someone with whom you have little interaction if you can make them a cup of tea or coffee.

These are just some ideas to get your mind rolling.  I know you can come up with more terrific ideas.  I would love to hear back from you.  How did you “prime the pump”?  What was the reaction?  How did it make you feel?  I will be excited to hear about it.

A Rush to Judgement

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I was guilty.  There is no getting around it - I was guilty this week of a rush to judgment, as was most of the nation, the NAACP, the USDA and the White House. 

Early in the week a video snippet was posted by conservative blogger Andrew Breitbart.  He intended to highlight racism within the NAACP.  This video supposedly showed a USDA official, Shirley Sherrod (a black woman, addressing a gathering of the NAACP at the time of her remarks) admitting to racism in her decisions and dealings with a white farmer.  The outcry was loud and lightning quick.  The NAACP issued a statement condemning Sherrod.  The USDA accepted her (forced) resignation.  The story was carried on all of the major cable and broadcast news networks, print and radio. President Obama issued a statement condemning the sentiment.  I, along with the many others who expressed shock and outrage, was alarmed that such a statement could be made by anyone, much less a government official, in a public forum that was obviously being videotaped.

No one took the time to actually speak to Shirley Sherrod or ask her for an explanation of her comments – until later.

In subsequent interviews on CNN, Shirley Sherrod expressed frustration and bewilderment because the point she had actually been making in the address was that she had overcome this initial, gut reaction to the white farmer and had helped him save his farm.  She went above and beyond the call of duty in the effort because no one else was there and willing to help. She utilized the story to encourage harmony and working together, regardless of race.

News agencies took the time, at that point, to do some research and listen to Ms. Sherrod’s entire address in context.  As it turns out, this is the message she expressed in the speech she gave to the NAACP that day.  The farmer referred to in the piece made a public statement supporting Sherrod and referring to her as a dear friend.  Suddenly the tables had been turned on everyone.  NAACP President Benjamin Jealous issued an apology to Sherrod, saying his organization had been “snookered” by the group editing the video.  The President apologized and the USDA backpedaled by offering Sherrod a new position within the agency. 

Shirley Sherrod has yet to decide if she will accept the new position offered her.  She seems to be the only one in this situation who takes time to think things through.

There has also been a quick backlash against Breitbart  for the seemingly manipulative edit done on the video in the first place.  Breitbart has expressed this was not about Sherrod.  It was intended to highlight (in his opinion) racism within the NAACP by showing the supportive response Sherrod received to her initial thoughts toward this white farmer.  I think I have learned a very valuable lesson in all of this and will withhold a judgment on Breitbart's motives until I have more information.

It is never wise to rush to any judgment.  As I have mentioned here before – and I express in my book – there are three sides to every story: yours, mine and the truth.  It is very important to look at a situation from all sides before making a determination about it.

High Road Challenge for the Day:  If you were caught up in this whirlwind of controversy, you can see just how easy it is to make snap decisions. Take a few minutes to think back over the past couple of weeks to a time when you made a similar rush to judgment. Was it with a family member? A store clerk? A driver who wasn’t meeting your standards for highway etiquette? Remember the importance of considering their side of the story before drawing a conclusion. And if there’s a situation in which it’s both appropriate and possible to make amends, I gently encourage you to take the high road and do so. 

You're not listening to me...

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“You’re not listening to me!”  The conflict between two colleagues was beginning to escalate.  I heard the exchange described to me in one of my sessions.  “He always says that. ‘You’re not listening.’  It makes me crazy,” the participant groaned.

Because my approach to communication is a bit different than most, my recommendation to this attendee was not what he expected.  I believe that our goal, as communicators, is three-fold: first, to allow all people to feel comfortable and respected in our presence, while second, standing our own ground and third, getting our message across.  Most communication training comes from the opposite direction and specifies the most important factor in communication to be getting our point across – to be clear.  I believe someone can clearly communicate their message and still leave “dead bodies” behind them as they do business, which is not optimum.  That is why I approach it from the High Road perspective and place our primary objective on allowing all people to feel comfortable and respected in our presence, while we are standing our own ground and getting our message across.

Approaching the situation from this paradigm, my response to the participant was this: “If he is consistently saying that to you, he’s right.  Because what he is really saying is, ‘I believe you are not listening to me,’ which means as a communicator, you have missed the primary objective.”

If someone says to you, “You’re not listening to me.” I recommend you discipline yourself away from the potential knee-jerk response that will most likely come out of your mouth: “Yes I am!”  Instantaneously this puts you on the defensive and in an adversarial position.  Instead, I encourage you to follow a High Road, three-step process to clarification.

1.    Step one: Offer an empathy statement.  It might be something like, “I’m sorry that you might feel that way.”  Acknowledge and empathize with how the other person is feeling.

2.    Step two has two possible directions:

a.    If you were actually listening to them, then paraphrase back what you just heard.  You might say something like, “Let me share with you what I just heard…,” or “My understanding is you meant this…”  The value of reflective paraphrasing is that it allows the other person to grasp that you really did “get” what they said.

b.    We have to acknowledge that sometimes, in certain situations, we really weren’t listening.  If that is the case, I encourage you to admit that and take responsibility for it. “You are right.  I wasn’t listening.  I apologize for that.  Please tell me again and I will listen attentively this time.”

3.    Step three: Whichever fork in the road you take at step two, step three is the same.  Ask the other person, sincerely and humbly, “What was I doing that caused you to believe I wasn’t listening to you?”  Then you can fix it for future growth.  Many people have habits, such as allowing their eyes to wander, doodling or scanning their Blackberry, that cause others to believe they aren’t listening.  This is a terrific opportunity to recognize such habits and adjust them for growth in this area.

Sometimes when someone says, “You’re not listening to me,” what they really mean is “You’re not agreeing with me.”  In such a situation, the first two steps remain the same.  The only adjustment happens in step three.  The direction step three would take at this point would be to clarify the difference between listening and agreeing. “I have heard and understand what you said.  I don’t agree with you.”  This validates the communication without having to validate the sentiment of that communication.

High Road Challenge for the Day: The next time someone says to you, “You’re not listening to me,” put this High Road, three-step process into action.  This will allow the other person to feel comfortable and respected in your presence.  That respect offered to them will then be reciprocated which will allow you to stand your own ground and get your message across.