Who Do You Want to Be?

Your Good Name - Be Pro-active With It

             
Last week, I offered steps to rebuild a tarnished reputation. As it was in response to an email I received, that post highlighted reactive steps for rebuilding. The best time to overcome such an obstacle is before it comes up – therefore, this week I want to focus on being pro-active – on building and maintaining a positive reputation.


The ancient Greek philosopher Socrates said, “Regard your good name as the richest jewel you can possibly be possessed of - for credit is like fire; when once you have kindled it you may easily preserve it, but if you once extinguish it, you will find it an arduous task to rekindle it again.” A good reputation is not something that is achieved overnight; it's the product of persistent action over time. It can be earned by saying the right things and following up with the right actions.

Socrates went on to say, “The way to gain a good reputation is to endeavor to be what you desire to appear.” Therefore, to build and maintain a positive reputation, I encourage you to:


• Tell the truth – It’s all too tempting to take shortcuts in life and work. Furthermore, sometimes it seems easier to color or conceal the truth to avoid conflict. One falsehood discovered will begin the reputation erosion process. Never compromise your integrity, even with little bitty white lies. Consistently telling the truth will secure the knowledge that people can trust you.

• Be a person of your word – Keep your promises. Meet your deadlines. Do what you say you’re going to do when you say you’re going to do it. Doing this consistently will cause people to view you as someone who can be depended upon.

• Never gossip – Don’t participate in the rumor-mill. Avoid those people who are consistently gossiping. Even simply listening to gossip, without adding to it, implies an acceptance or acknowledgement of the behavior. If you don’t gossip or betray confidences, you will gain you trustworthy notoriety.

• Produce good work – Whether you are on the job or off the clock, whatever you do, choose to do it with excellence. Make sure that everything you do is something you would be proud to put your name on. This will garner you prestige that is associated with quality and craftsmanship.

• Have a positive attitude – Your attitude determines your altitude. It is the primary determining factor in whether people choose to be around you. A person who whines and complains – even if they work hard and do good work – will be remembered for the complaining. Maintaining a consistently positive attitude will mark you as someone whom people want to be associated with and spend time around.

• Ask for help when needed – No one knows how to do everything well. Asking for help shows that you value the knowledge and skill of your co-workers. Knowing what your strengths are, as well as your limitations is a key factor in personal growth. Being willing to ask for assistance shows a spirit of humility and will strengthen, rather than hinder, your good reputation.

• Stay focused on your job – To the best of your ability, separate your private life from your professional one. Compartmentalize and focus on the task at hand and the goals of the company. Being able to focus on what needs to be done gains you a name as someone who can be counted on to do the job, even in the face of a crisis.

• Walk the High Road – Be considerate of others. Treat everyone with respect, regardless of whether you like what they think, say or do. Listen to their opinions and offer input or criticisms in a constructive manner. This will mark you as someone who is caring and empathetic.


High Road Challenge for the Day – Evaluate your daily actions and efforts against this list and determine what areas you can build upon. Focus on one growth area at a time to strengthen and polish your good reputation.

Six "Be's" to Recovering Reputation

                  
I received this question in an email this week.


“I blew it. I was wrong and I know it. I did something that I should not have done, thinking it would be quick and easy and no one would know the difference. They noticed – and now I’ve compromised their trust. How do I go about rebuilding that trust and my own reputation?”


The Colonel (my father) used to say, “It takes a lifetime of work to build a good name and only one ‘ah poop’ to tear it down.” The realization that you have committed a mistake that can send your hard earned reputation crumbling down around you is often crushing. When that happens, it is important to shift your focus away from the rubble of self-doubt and recrimination, and concentrate your energy on reconstruction.
To start the rebuilding process, I recommend you focus on six “Be’s.”


•  Be honest – Admit you have made a mistake and commit to being wholly truthful and transparent going forward.

•  Be accountable – Accept responsibility for the error you have made. Agree to accept the consequences that result from that error.

•  Be apologetic – Whenever appropriate, offer sincere apologies for the damage or harm caused by your words or actions.

•  Be accessible – Hiding from the situation will not make it better. Be just as visible and approachable as you were before you made your faux pas.

•  Be committed to growth – Be willing to learn and grow from the situation so you don’t find yourself in an identical predicament again.

•  Be action oriented – The classic adage, “What you do speaks so loudly I can’t hear what you say,” is timeless and true. Put your remorse into action rather than just words.


Rebuilding your reputation will not happen easily or quickly. If you are diligent and patient it can be accomplished.


I am interested to hear from my readers. What additional suggestions would you offer the fellow who sent me this email?

Children Will Listen

                   
This past Saturday our nation was thunderstruck by a senseless act of violence: a shooting in Tucson, Arizona that took the lives of six and wounded 14 others at a “meet and greet” hosted by Arizona Representative Gabrielle Gifford, who was also one of the victims. Like so many of us, upon hearing the shocking news, I asked myself, “WHY?”


Immediately after the Tucson tragedy, many fingers pointed north to Alaska, because of a map Sarah Palin had posted on her website. It might be a natural connection to assume that the cross-hairs map had an influence on the shooter – although he has made no statement to that effect and there is no solid evidence of that assumed influence.

It is important to note that guilt for this horrible act rests exclusively on Jared Lee Loughner’s shoulders. The ensuing debate concerning responsibility for, and/or influence over the shooter’s actions has also struck me profoundly.

My travels this week have involved a great deal of driving and I took the opportunity to take along the soundtrack to one of my favorite musicals of all time, Stephen Sondheim’s Into the Woods. This may seem like an abrupt change of subject to you, but follow me for a moment. Much of my life has been deeply entrenched in music and theater. Lyrics from musical theater have often verbalized emotional responses for me when I could not seem to verbalize them myself. On one leg of my journey this week, I hit upon a moment in the finale of Into the Woods that reduced me to tears, and I had to pull over on the side of the road and finally let the grief I had repressed regarding this horrendous crime work its way out of me.

Stephen Sondheim eloquently verbalized my feelings at the moment (and a larger point I have communicated here many times) with these words:

Careful the things you say
Children will listen
Careful the things you do
Children will see and learn
Children may not obey, but children will listen
Children will look to you for which way to turn
To learn what to be
Careful before you say "Listen to me"
Children will listen

Through all the posturing and dialoging that has gone on this week, I think the best insight came from International Space Station Commander Scott Kelly (Gabby Gifford’s brother-in-law):

"As I look out the window, I see a very beautiful planet that seems very inviting and peaceful. Unfortunately, it is not. These days, we are constantly reminded of the unspeakable acts of violence and damage we can inflict upon one another, not just with our actions but also with our irresponsible words. We are better than this. We must do better."


High Road Challenge for the Week: Think before you speak. Think before you write. Consider who might act upon your words and in what context. Distill your words through this filter: “Is what I’m about to say or publish true? Is it kind? How might it incite people to action? Is it responsible? Is it necessary?

2011 - I'm Resolved, Are You?

               
2010 has passed into memory now and we are two days into 2011. It is customary at the onset of a new year to reflect on the one just expired and establish resolutions for the one that stretches before us.


I have been asked several times in the past 48 hours what my resolutions for the new year might be. While I have never actually put much stock into verbalizing resolutions just because it is the beginning of a new year, the question has caused me to think about my continuing personal growth. Therefore, as I endeavor to grow in specific areas over the next year, I encourage you to join me and:

• Focus on your strengths

So much of our time is spent dwelling on our weaknesses and what we don’t do well. Instead, I encourage you to focus on what you are proficient at, your core-competency. Everyone has their talents and strengths – unique to themselves. Focus on those and delegate that which you don’t do well to capable others.


• Ask questions

We have all heard the adage regarding how to break down the word “assume.” Asking questions to clarify understanding prevents misunderstandings and misinterpretations and also reduces conflict. It's especially valuable to ask questions rather than presuming another’s intentions or motivations. Furthermore clarifying your understanding can save a great deal of time so often wasted when one proceeds on assumptions.


• Admit when you are wrong

When used in this order, “I was wrong,” are three of the most valuable words in High Road communication. Rather than indicating weakness – recognizing, owning up to and admitting when you are wrong is both a sign of character and a High Road mentality.


• Give up to go up

As Dr. John C. Maxwell shares with us in his book The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership, you have to give up to go up. (Law #18 – The Law of Sacrifice) Many times it is necessary to give up what is secure, stable and, perhaps, stagnant to grow in areas that are riskier but may have a larger return in the long run.


• Find opportunity in crisis

It is so easy, especially in this uncertain time and economy, to see potential doom in a bad turn of events. I encourage you to start thinking outside the gloom and ask yourself, “How can this potential obstacle be turned into an opportunity?”



I think that is a healthy amount of paradigm shift for the beginning of my year. I am curious, what will YOU be focusing on for your personal growth as we enthusiastically embrace 2011?  Please enter your responses in the comments section, where they can inspire and motivate other readers to find their High Road Solutions for 2011.

Are you Assertive or Persuasive? - Part 2

                 
My last blog highlighted the question, “From a High Road perspective, which characteristic do you feel is more effective — to be assertive or to be persuasive?” I espoused that both characteristics are necessary to lead from a High Road perspective.


I took that opportunity to share The Four Keys to Persuasion. Today I focus on assertiveness.
According to the Oxford English Dictionary, to assert is to: “state an opinion, claim a right, or establish authority. If you assert yourself, you behave in a way that expresses your confidence, importance or power and earns you respect from others.”


As my regular readers know, High Road Communicators always endeavor to:

1. provide a communication environment where all people feel comfortable and respected in their presence

2. stand their own ground, and

3. get their message across in clear and simple terms.

It is important to attempt to see things from another’s perspective without compromising your own needs. Being able to advocate for yourself without being disrespectful or intimidating cultivates a stronger self-image and helps garner you respect from others.


Assertive communication bears six hallmarks, distinctive characteristics you won’t find in passive or aggressive communication.

• Congruent, non-threatening body language – You are always saying something, whether you are speaking or not. Make sure you are communicating the message you desire with your non-verbal indicators and that you are not contradicting yourself. A non-verbal message that is assertive is neutral, squared and centered. It is not convex, aggressive or bristling, nor is it concave, closed off or defensive. Assertive body language indicates confidence and openness.

• An inviting vocal tone – Communicating in a softer, yet confident tone allows others to focus on your message rather than your tone of voice. Renowned communication author and trainer, Michelle Poley recommends a “pass the butter” voice (the tone you would use at the dinner table when asking someone to pass the butter). For the most part that involves a slightly softer volume, lower pitch and slower pace.


• “I” statements – One of the best ways to communicate assertively is to construct your verbal position by using an abundance of “I statements.” “I statements” begin with “I” (rather than “you”) and are not aggressive, accusatory or defensive. Rather than ranting, “You make me so mad!” you might say, “I am angry with you. Rather than saying, “You are always late,” you might say, “I expect you to be on time.”


• Clarity and conciseness – Assertive communicators stay on topic and are able to get to the point. Hemming and hawing or avoiding your point will brand you a passive communicator, while ranting and raving mark you as aggressive.


• Positive focus – People who are assertive keep their focus on the positive rather than dwelling on the negative aspect of a situation. Assertiveness requires a certain measure of optimism.


• A message that is well thought out – A final guideline for communicating assertively is to think before you speak. When I was a child, my mother consistently admonished me, saying, “Activate your brain before you engage your mouth.” Before you speak always ask yourself, “Is what I’m about to say true, kind and necessary?”


High Road Challenge for the Day – Think back on a conversation that did not go well for you. Were you communicating assertively? Take some time in anticipation of an upcoming conversation and devise a strategy that will incorporate each of the assertive characteristics mentioned. Then practice them to ensure the conversation comes out the way you want.

Are you Assertive or Persuasive?

               
During a session I did this week on Leading from the High Road, I found myself mediating a very engaging debate between two participants. The question I had thrown out for discussion was, “From a High Road perspective, which characteristic do you feel is more effective — to be assertive or to be persuasive?” I allowed them to verbally duke it out for a bit before I jumped back in to guide the resolution of the conversation.


The conclusion that I guided them to is – both. I believe it is important to be assertive and persuasive simultaneously. These complimentary characteristics must both be in play to lead productively from a High Road perspective.


As I have mentioned here before, you must be assertive in your communication to be effective. If you are passive, others will steamroll over you. If you are aggressive, you will repel more people than you attract. Truly successful leaders and communicators are consistently assertive. Next week I’ll offer some suggestions on how to communicate assertively; today I want to focus on persuasion.


According to Dictionary.com, persuasion is “the ability to prevail on someone to do something, either by advising or urging.” It’s a trickier skill to master than assertiveness. There are four factors that are essential to being persuasive— I call them my Four Keys to Persuasion.


1. Build rapport first – Establish a relationship at some level as quickly as possible. This allows the other person to see you as an ally immediately. Then, when you need to offer them negative feedback, ask them to make a change or do something in a specific manner, they are less likely to be argumentative, defensive or resistant. People won’t care how much you know until they know how much you care. Every human being on Earth has an invisible sign hanging around their neck that says “Make me feel important.” Read the sign. Build rapport first.



2. Tell them what’s in it for them – Your second key to persuasion involves the proverbial WIIFM – “what’s in it for me?” On that invisible sign everyone has around their neck, underneath the great big letters that say “make me feel important” are little-bitty letters that say “and what’s in it for me?” Give them the “what’s in it for them.” How’s it going to benefit them to improve their performance? How’s it going to benefit them to make that change or do things as you want them done? Frankly, they don’t care how it’s going to benefit you — they do care how’s it’s going to benefit them.



3. Maintain two-way communication – No one likes to be talked at. Everyone appreciates being communicated with. Make sure that communication is flowing well in both directions. This means you need to listen as much, or more than you speak. Listening is the most under-utilized, under-appreciated, under-practiced communication skill – and yet it is crucial. In business, as in life, people feel drawn toward people they believe are listening to them – and tend to discount people they believe are not listening to them. As a High Road Communicator, you want that inertia in your favor. Besides, every human being that I have met thus far in my life was born with two ears and only one mouth. The challenge is remembering to use them in correct proportion! You need to make sure you are listening as much or more than you’re talking.



4. Get their input – People will support that which they helped to create, so get their input. You don’t have to act on every piece of input you get – although if you’re smart, you’ll act on as much of it as you can. Otherwise you’ll build a reputation as someone who is just doing lip-service to gathering input. Get the input every time; act on it when you can.


These Four Keys to Persuasion, when combined with consistent assertive communication, will give you a good start on leading from the High Road.


High Road Challenge for the Day: Think of a time when someone “persuaded” you to do something different than you had planned to do. Did they use Four Keys to Persuasion, or did they steamroll you into submission? Identify how you would use the Four Keys to Persuasion to achieve a similar goal.