Posts
Showing posts with label courtesy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label courtesy. Show all posts
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Children Will Listen
This past Saturday our nation was thunderstruck by a senseless act of violence: a shooting in Tucson, Arizona that took the lives of six and wounded 14 others at a “meet and greet” hosted by Arizona Representative Gabrielle Gifford, who was also one of the victims. Like so many of us, upon hearing the shocking news, I asked myself, “WHY?”
Immediately after the Tucson tragedy, many fingers pointed north to Alaska, because of a map Sarah Palin had posted on her website. It might be a natural connection to assume that the cross-hairs map had an influence on the shooter – although he has made no statement to that effect and there is no solid evidence of that assumed influence.
It is important to note that guilt for this horrible act rests exclusively on Jared Lee Loughner’s shoulders. The ensuing debate concerning responsibility for, and/or influence over the shooter’s actions has also struck me profoundly.
My travels this week have involved a great deal of driving and I took the opportunity to take along the soundtrack to one of my favorite musicals of all time, Stephen Sondheim’s Into the Woods. This may seem like an abrupt change of subject to you, but follow me for a moment. Much of my life has been deeply entrenched in music and theater. Lyrics from musical theater have often verbalized emotional responses for me when I could not seem to verbalize them myself. On one leg of my journey this week, I hit upon a moment in the finale of Into the Woods that reduced me to tears, and I had to pull over on the side of the road and finally let the grief I had repressed regarding this horrendous crime work its way out of me.
Stephen Sondheim eloquently verbalized my feelings at the moment (and a larger point I have communicated here many times) with these words:
Careful the things you say
Children will listen
Careful the things you do
Children will see and learn
Children may not obey, but children will listen
Children will look to you for which way to turn
To learn what to be
Careful before you say "Listen to me"
Children will listen
Through all the posturing and dialoging that has gone on this week, I think the best insight came from International Space Station Commander Scott Kelly (Gabby Gifford’s brother-in-law):
"As I look out the window, I see a very beautiful planet that seems very inviting and peaceful. Unfortunately, it is not. These days, we are constantly reminded of the unspeakable acts of violence and damage we can inflict upon one another, not just with our actions but also with our irresponsible words. We are better than this. We must do better."
High Road Challenge for the Week: Think before you speak. Think before you write. Consider who might act upon your words and in what context. Distill your words through this filter: “Is what I’m about to say or publish true? Is it kind? How might it incite people to action? Is it responsible? Is it necessary?
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Got prejudice?
“We are each burdened with prejudice; against the poor or the rich, the smart or the slow, the gaunt or the obese. It is natural to develop prejudices. It is noble to rise above them.” ~Author Unknown
Having settled in for a week with the kids home from college, I had the opportunity last night to enjoy a meal around the table with my whole family. (It’s a very rare treat lately.) The conversation that grows out of our dinners is always intriguing and refreshing. Last night’s discourse centered on a perceived prejudice that has arisen with one of my daughter’s friends. This created a lively discussion about what exactly is prejudice, as compared to cultural norms and practices.
Dictionary.com defines prejudice as: “unreasonable feelings, opinions, or attitudes, esp. of a hostile nature, regarding a racial, religious, or national group.”
I would go beyond that dictionary characterization. My definition of prejudice (just mine) is any negative feeling toward anyone who looks, thinks, believes, behaves, speaks, dresses, smells, moves or functions differently than I do – any negative feeling toward anyone who is different because they are different.
As I have mentioned here before and discuss in Road Signs, our goal as High Road communicators is to allow all people to feel comfortable and respected in our presence, while standing our own ground and getting our message across. In my experience, prejudice is insidious. The negative feelings I used for my definition of prejudice often originate from understandable circumstances, but slowly take root and grow out of control until the original reasoning is lost. At that point, it becomes each individual’s choice to continue to grant those feelings control, or to instead choose the high road in order to allow feelings of mutual respect and comfort, which in turn brings about all the benefits of High Road communication.
Here are four steps that will help you choose to travel on the right road.
1. Investigate your differences – Dr. Stephen Covey, who wrote the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, encourages us to seek first to understand, then to be understood. That means our job as High Road communicators (the natural extension of our goal) is to meet who we are communicating with at his or her comfort zone – not assume they will meet us at ours. It is our responsibility to investigate, accept and internalize the differences between us.
2. Change your perspective – Hopefully investigating your differences will allow you to step into the other person’s shoes and see things from a different paradigm. Doing so can allow you to empathize with them. Empathy is a very strong antidote for prejudice.
3. Modify your reaction – There is a profound difference between reaction and response. Reaction is emotional, visceral, knee-jerk. Response requires thought. When in the presence of someone against whom we have a prejudice (for whatever reason) there is usually a conditioned, physiological reaction. Hopefully working through these first two steps will allow you to change that conditioned reaction.
4. Discipline your response – If doing these steps hasn't allowed you to change your reaction and see the person on a more equal ground, I encourage you to discipline your response. Verify that each of your proposed actions and/or words would be equal to situations where no prejudice is involved.
High Road Challenge for the Day – When your gut instinct tells you to perceive someone negatively because they are different in any way, stop. Work through these steps. The key to High Road communicating is not to be completely without prejudice. The key is communicating in a manner such that no one would ever know.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Is My Office-Mate an Alien?
“It’s like my office-mate is a Martian or something,” was the lament of the gal in the third row. “We just never seem to be speaking the same language.”
Chances are, her office-mate is not an extra-terrestrial. They just aren’t synchronized in their communication.
I’ve expressed before that our goal as High Road communicators is to allow all people to feel comfortable and respected in our presence, while standing our own ground and getting our message across. With that goal in mind, then our job is to meet who we are communicating with at his or her comfort zone, not assume they are going to meet us at ours – or even meet us half way. Adapting in this way allows us to offer information in a manner that is easy for the recipient to absorb and act upon, keeping us in sync more often.
Flexing ourselves to someone else’s communication comfort zone is a skill that can be developed and honed. I encourage you (just as I encouraged that gal in the third row) to begin by focusing on the following questions:
• Is this person a morning person or an afternoon person? Try to have the most important and meaningful conversations during their peak periods, when they are firing on all mental cylinders.
• Is this person naturally fast paced or more methodical? Mirror their pace in your communication. If they are naturally face paced, speed up, cut to the chase, summarize first. If they are naturally more methodical than you are, slow it down so they can absorb and process what you are saying at their own speed.
• Is this person relationship oriented or results oriented? You will want to focus on either the personal aspects of the subject or merely the facts depending on which way they naturally lean.
• What generation does this person fall into? For the first time in American history there are four generations in the workforce, and each generation has different emotional drivers. Do your research and adapt your communication to fill the generation-related motivational needs of the recipient.
• Does this person have masculine or feminine communication tendencies? Those with masculine communication characteristics tend to “report” – to give or get information. They talk about facts. Those with feminine characteristics communicate to build rapport and strengthen relationships. They talk about feelings. Flex yourself to their gender style when necessary.
• Is this person under undue pressure or on deadline? Be respectful of their work load and deadlines, as you would want them to be of yours.
This communication flexing may seem cumbersome at first, but the beneficial results make it well worth the effort. With practice it becomes easier and you will find yourself adapting automatically without thinking about it.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Take This Job and Shove It!
Take this job and shove it! This is the sentiment expressed through the actions (if not the exact words, which I will not repeat) of JetBlue Flight Attendant Steven Slater this past week. Since his dramatic, and much publicized departure from the airplane via the emergency chute, beers in hand, Slater has become a bit of a folk-hero for anyone profoundly frustrated with their job.
When thinking about writing on this subject initially, I was actually quite conflicted. Slater’s actions were unprofessional and broke several JetBlue policies as well as FAA regulations. That is nothing to condone, even if one can empathize with his feelings. On the other hand, I wondered about the passenger that allegedly sparked his tirade. Standing up and attempting to retrieve your luggage while on an active taxiway is also breaking FAA regulations. I wondered what, if anything, is being done to prosecute her? In researching this incident, I could not find any solid reporting on the passenger in question. Indeed there are many differing accounts of what actually happened before and after the flight. As someone who flies for business a great deal, I certainly have seen my share of rude, self-centric passengers – as well as fatigued, snippy flight attendants. Luckily, in my experience, both are the exception, not the norm.
This, if nothing else, is clear about this incident: neither the allegedly offending passenger nor Steven Slater was in emotional control that day. If you are not in emotional control you are completely ineffective. While it is very probable that the passenger’s behavior was inappropriate and perhaps abusive, she was not on-duty and representing a company (JetBlue), an industry and the FAA. Slater was representing all of those entities at the time. In as much, he should have taken steps to regain his emotional control before taking any action at all. His actions will probably cost him any future in aviation as well as federal prosecution. Taking a step back to think and regain his perspective could have prevented the hardship that is inevitably in his future – public sympathy not withstanding.
High Road Challenge for the Day: When you are brought to the brink of your emotional control and you feel like you just want to “take this job (this relationship, this co-worker, this committee) and shove it,” take a step back. Try some of these techniques instead:
• Breathe – When we are in stressful situations, we often forget to breathe. This creates an oxygen deprivation in the brain. Adrenalin kicks in at that point to compensate for that deprivation. The combination of oxygen deprivation and adrenalin triggers animal instinct, which manifests itself in the “fight or flight” syndrome. The best way to counteract “fight or flight” is to short-circuit the adrenalin. The quickest means to that end is to get oxygen to the brain. Breathing is the most under-appreciated and under-utilized stress reduction technique. Furthermore, it’s available to every human being for free!
• Take a break – If you find yourself hanging on to your emotional control by your very last thread, walk away from the situation. Have an exit line that works for you and remove yourself from the situation before you fall off of that emotional cliff. You might say something like, “I find that I am not objective in this situation. I need a moment to pull myself together. Let’s revisit this in ten minutes.”
• Count 10 blessings – Most people have heard the tried and true recommendation of counting to 10. I recommend you count 10 blessings. I challenge you to count 10 blessings in your life and still be emotionally aggravated. I find it works like a charm.
• Affirmation for the moment – Have an affirmation that works for you memorized and ready to kick in when things become tense. Something that will be playing in the back of your head, speaking to your subconscious, that keeps you in emotional control. It might be something like, “I am always calm and confident in stressful situations.” It might be, “Nothing this person says or does can push my buttons.” Write something that works for you. Make sure it is posed in the positive, it is present tense and spoken as if the goal is achieved. Then memorize it so you can retrieve it and play it like a looping tape in the back of your mind to keep yourself in emotional control.
Tell me, what other tactics have you found that work for you in maintaining your emotional control?
Sunday, July 11, 2010
You're not listening to me...
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“You’re not listening to me!” The conflict between two colleagues was beginning to escalate. I heard the exchange described to me in one of my sessions. “He always says that. ‘You’re not listening.’ It makes me crazy,” the participant groaned.
Because my approach to communication is a bit different than most, my recommendation to this attendee was not what he expected. I believe that our goal, as communicators, is three-fold: first, to allow all people to feel comfortable and respected in our presence, while second, standing our own ground and third, getting our message across. Most communication training comes from the opposite direction and specifies the most important factor in communication to be getting our point across – to be clear. I believe someone can clearly communicate their message and still leave “dead bodies” behind them as they do business, which is not optimum. That is why I approach it from the High Road perspective and place our primary objective on allowing all people to feel comfortable and respected in our presence, while we are standing our own ground and getting our message across.
Approaching the situation from this paradigm, my response to the participant was this: “If he is consistently saying that to you, he’s right. Because what he is really saying is, ‘I believe you are not listening to me,’ which means as a communicator, you have missed the primary objective.”
If someone says to you, “You’re not listening to me.” I recommend you discipline yourself away from the potential knee-jerk response that will most likely come out of your mouth: “Yes I am!” Instantaneously this puts you on the defensive and in an adversarial position. Instead, I encourage you to follow a High Road, three-step process to clarification.
1. Step one: Offer an empathy statement. It might be something like, “I’m sorry that you might feel that way.” Acknowledge and empathize with how the other person is feeling.
2. Step two has two possible directions:
a. If you were actually listening to them, then paraphrase back what you just heard. You might say something like, “Let me share with you what I just heard…,” or “My understanding is you meant this…” The value of reflective paraphrasing is that it allows the other person to grasp that you really did “get” what they said.
b. We have to acknowledge that sometimes, in certain situations, we really weren’t listening. If that is the case, I encourage you to admit that and take responsibility for it. “You are right. I wasn’t listening. I apologize for that. Please tell me again and I will listen attentively this time.”
3. Step three: Whichever fork in the road you take at step two, step three is the same. Ask the other person, sincerely and humbly, “What was I doing that caused you to believe I wasn’t listening to you?” Then you can fix it for future growth. Many people have habits, such as allowing their eyes to wander, doodling or scanning their Blackberry, that cause others to believe they aren’t listening. This is a terrific opportunity to recognize such habits and adjust them for growth in this area.
Sometimes when someone says, “You’re not listening to me,” what they really mean is “You’re not agreeing with me.” In such a situation, the first two steps remain the same. The only adjustment happens in step three. The direction step three would take at this point would be to clarify the difference between listening and agreeing. “I have heard and understand what you said. I don’t agree with you.” This validates the communication without having to validate the sentiment of that communication.
High Road Challenge for the Day: The next time someone says to you, “You’re not listening to me,” put this High Road, three-step process into action. This will allow the other person to feel comfortable and respected in your presence. That respect offered to them will then be reciprocated which will allow you to stand your own ground and get your message across.
“You’re not listening to me!” The conflict between two colleagues was beginning to escalate. I heard the exchange described to me in one of my sessions. “He always says that. ‘You’re not listening.’ It makes me crazy,” the participant groaned.
Because my approach to communication is a bit different than most, my recommendation to this attendee was not what he expected. I believe that our goal, as communicators, is three-fold: first, to allow all people to feel comfortable and respected in our presence, while second, standing our own ground and third, getting our message across. Most communication training comes from the opposite direction and specifies the most important factor in communication to be getting our point across – to be clear. I believe someone can clearly communicate their message and still leave “dead bodies” behind them as they do business, which is not optimum. That is why I approach it from the High Road perspective and place our primary objective on allowing all people to feel comfortable and respected in our presence, while we are standing our own ground and getting our message across.
Approaching the situation from this paradigm, my response to the participant was this: “If he is consistently saying that to you, he’s right. Because what he is really saying is, ‘I believe you are not listening to me,’ which means as a communicator, you have missed the primary objective.”
If someone says to you, “You’re not listening to me.” I recommend you discipline yourself away from the potential knee-jerk response that will most likely come out of your mouth: “Yes I am!” Instantaneously this puts you on the defensive and in an adversarial position. Instead, I encourage you to follow a High Road, three-step process to clarification.
1. Step one: Offer an empathy statement. It might be something like, “I’m sorry that you might feel that way.” Acknowledge and empathize with how the other person is feeling.
2. Step two has two possible directions:
a. If you were actually listening to them, then paraphrase back what you just heard. You might say something like, “Let me share with you what I just heard…,” or “My understanding is you meant this…” The value of reflective paraphrasing is that it allows the other person to grasp that you really did “get” what they said.
b. We have to acknowledge that sometimes, in certain situations, we really weren’t listening. If that is the case, I encourage you to admit that and take responsibility for it. “You are right. I wasn’t listening. I apologize for that. Please tell me again and I will listen attentively this time.”
3. Step three: Whichever fork in the road you take at step two, step three is the same. Ask the other person, sincerely and humbly, “What was I doing that caused you to believe I wasn’t listening to you?” Then you can fix it for future growth. Many people have habits, such as allowing their eyes to wander, doodling or scanning their Blackberry, that cause others to believe they aren’t listening. This is a terrific opportunity to recognize such habits and adjust them for growth in this area.
Sometimes when someone says, “You’re not listening to me,” what they really mean is “You’re not agreeing with me.” In such a situation, the first two steps remain the same. The only adjustment happens in step three. The direction step three would take at this point would be to clarify the difference between listening and agreeing. “I have heard and understand what you said. I don’t agree with you.” This validates the communication without having to validate the sentiment of that communication.
High Road Challenge for the Day: The next time someone says to you, “You’re not listening to me,” put this High Road, three-step process into action. This will allow the other person to feel comfortable and respected in your presence. That respect offered to them will then be reciprocated which will allow you to stand your own ground and get your message across.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Priming the Pump in the Twilight Zone
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While I was traveling home from a training swing this past week my flight was delayed out of Salt Lake City, causing me to miss my United Airlines connection in Denver. There were no other flights out that night so I was forced to lay-over until the next day. The earliest flight that had available seats to bring me home left Denver at 5:25 p.m. the next day. (Is it just me? It seems like I am always delayed and held-over at Denver Stapley airport… I am certain it is the portal to the Twilight Zone… but I digress.)
The following morning I contacted the travel department for my seminar company client to see if anything might have opened up to get me home any earlier. The travel agent was able to book me one-way on a different carrier at 2:30 p.m. That gained me three hours. I was very grateful.
I asked him why United was so heavily booked. He said, “I don’t know. It’s unusual. In fact the flight you were rebooked on is completely full now. There are no seats to be had on United out of Denver today at all.”
This got me thinking as I sat and watched people go by in the airport. United could probably use the seat I would be giving up on the 5:25 flight. I had a good 4 hours before my 2:30 flight was to board, so I headed off to find a United Customer Service counter. I stepped into line behind about 12 people and began the waiting process. Nothing happens quickly at a customer service counter and, unfortunately, everyone in line is struggling with some sort of inconvenience and therefore hovering somewhere in the grumpiness continuum. More than once I asked myself, “Why am I standing here again?” Yet I knew that I had plenty of time and nothing else I really needed to be doing, so I stayed in line. After about 35 minutes, I had inched to the front of the line.
The customer service representative, Dee, was frazzled but gracious and eager to resolve whatever issue I might have. I explained the situation to her and finished by saying, “I just wanted to let you know that I will not be on this flight at 5:25 and release the seat so you can give it to someone else.”
She worked through the whole scenario with me again several times to make sure that she was clear on how the flights had been delayed, missed and rebooked. Then she confirmed, “So you are traveling home today on a different carrier?”
“That’s right,” I said.
She seemed confused. “So what do you need from me?”
“Nothing,” I said. “I just wanted to let you know that this seat is available.”
“Do you need a refund for this leg of the trip?”
“That would be terrific. I am sure my company would appreciate that,” I replied.
“Well okay then. Let’s get that taken care of.”
She printed off the information my client would need to receive a refund for the flight I didn’t take. She gave that to me along with a second voucher. “This is a voucher for $150 off your next flight with United,” she said with a smile. “We are very sorry for your inconvenience and thank you for your courtesy today.”
Did I stand in line for 35 minutes hoping that I would receive a $150 voucher? No I didn’t. I didn’t even think to ask for compensation for my lost day. I stood in line because I know that if I were desperate to get on a fully booked flight, I would want the gate agent to know there happened to be a seat that was just released. I know that all you send into the lives of others come back into your own. It may not be immediately. It usually won't be in-kind. I stood in line to prime the pump. I was blessed to have a benefit sent back my way immediately. It doesn’t always happen so quickly, or even in a manner that is noticeable, but that doesn’t matter. Priming the pump is about the sending out, not the getting back. As it says in the old Kingston Trio folk song, Desert Pete, “you have to give of yourself before you’re worthy to receive.”
High Road Challenge for the Day: Prime the pump. Find a need and fill it. Give of yourself. Send it out without expectation of what will come back. Take a lesson from Desert Pete and give of yourself so you are worthy to receive.
While I was traveling home from a training swing this past week my flight was delayed out of Salt Lake City, causing me to miss my United Airlines connection in Denver. There were no other flights out that night so I was forced to lay-over until the next day. The earliest flight that had available seats to bring me home left Denver at 5:25 p.m. the next day. (Is it just me? It seems like I am always delayed and held-over at Denver Stapley airport… I am certain it is the portal to the Twilight Zone… but I digress.)
The following morning I contacted the travel department for my seminar company client to see if anything might have opened up to get me home any earlier. The travel agent was able to book me one-way on a different carrier at 2:30 p.m. That gained me three hours. I was very grateful.
I asked him why United was so heavily booked. He said, “I don’t know. It’s unusual. In fact the flight you were rebooked on is completely full now. There are no seats to be had on United out of Denver today at all.”
This got me thinking as I sat and watched people go by in the airport. United could probably use the seat I would be giving up on the 5:25 flight. I had a good 4 hours before my 2:30 flight was to board, so I headed off to find a United Customer Service counter. I stepped into line behind about 12 people and began the waiting process. Nothing happens quickly at a customer service counter and, unfortunately, everyone in line is struggling with some sort of inconvenience and therefore hovering somewhere in the grumpiness continuum. More than once I asked myself, “Why am I standing here again?” Yet I knew that I had plenty of time and nothing else I really needed to be doing, so I stayed in line. After about 35 minutes, I had inched to the front of the line.
The customer service representative, Dee, was frazzled but gracious and eager to resolve whatever issue I might have. I explained the situation to her and finished by saying, “I just wanted to let you know that I will not be on this flight at 5:25 and release the seat so you can give it to someone else.”
She worked through the whole scenario with me again several times to make sure that she was clear on how the flights had been delayed, missed and rebooked. Then she confirmed, “So you are traveling home today on a different carrier?”
“That’s right,” I said.
She seemed confused. “So what do you need from me?”
“Nothing,” I said. “I just wanted to let you know that this seat is available.”
“Do you need a refund for this leg of the trip?”
“That would be terrific. I am sure my company would appreciate that,” I replied.
“Well okay then. Let’s get that taken care of.”
She printed off the information my client would need to receive a refund for the flight I didn’t take. She gave that to me along with a second voucher. “This is a voucher for $150 off your next flight with United,” she said with a smile. “We are very sorry for your inconvenience and thank you for your courtesy today.”
Did I stand in line for 35 minutes hoping that I would receive a $150 voucher? No I didn’t. I didn’t even think to ask for compensation for my lost day. I stood in line because I know that if I were desperate to get on a fully booked flight, I would want the gate agent to know there happened to be a seat that was just released. I know that all you send into the lives of others come back into your own. It may not be immediately. It usually won't be in-kind. I stood in line to prime the pump. I was blessed to have a benefit sent back my way immediately. It doesn’t always happen so quickly, or even in a manner that is noticeable, but that doesn’t matter. Priming the pump is about the sending out, not the getting back. As it says in the old Kingston Trio folk song, Desert Pete, “you have to give of yourself before you’re worthy to receive.”
High Road Challenge for the Day: Prime the pump. Find a need and fill it. Give of yourself. Send it out without expectation of what will come back. Take a lesson from Desert Pete and give of yourself so you are worthy to receive.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Memorial Day - Respect the Sacrifice
Memorial Day - Respect the Sacrifice
It is happening all across America right now. The enticing scent of barbecue is wafting from backyard grills. Families are gathering together. Brothers and sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents are greeting loved ones they have not seen in far too long. City parks and backyards nationwide are alive with games of Frisbee, horseshoes and ladder golf. As the day turns to dusk, people will gather for memorial concerts performed by local bands or symphonies playing heart-stirring music by Copeland or Sousa. The holiday will be capped off by awe inspiring fireworks underscored by more patriotic tunes. Invariably, such underscoring will include a beloved tune written and performed by Lee Greenwood.
I’m proud to be an American
Where at least I know I’m free
And I won’t forget the men who died
Who gave that right to me
And I’d gladly stand up next to you
And defend her still today
Cuz’ there ain’t do doubt I love this land
God bless the U.S.A.
Each time I hear those words I am stunned at their simple and heartfelt sentiment.
Faced with a three-day weekend full of beautiful weather and family we can become wrapped up in celebrating the unofficial beginning of summer. It is easy to forget the true reason for the day: remembering those who have perished in defense of their country and the ideals upon which it was founded.
While it was not a formal national holiday until 1971, the roots of Memorial Day trace back to 1868 when General John A. Logan of the Grand Army of the Republic, an organization of former sailors and soldiers recommended a day to honor those who had sacrificed their lives in the recent Civil War. At that point it was called Decoration Day because it was set aside to decorate the graves of the fallen with flowers, flag or anything else deemed appropriate. During the first commemoration on May 30th, 1868, General James Garfield addressed over 5,000 attendees at Arlington National Cemetery who then worked together to place flags on the graves of 20,000 Union and Confederate solders. This tradition continues at Arlington today.
Local Decoration Day celebrations began happening annually across the newly reunited nation. After World War I, the solemnity which had now become known as Memorial Day expanded to include those lost in all American Wars. While General Logan suggested May 30th as a consistent date for this remembrance, upon it’s formalization in 1971, the holiday was fixed on the last Monday in May, rather than a specific date.
This is the reason we all have a day off of work. We have this day off to remember.
High Road Challenge for the Day: Memorial Day was set aside as a day to remember the fallen, and honor their sacrifice. It is so important that we take the time from our family celebrations to do that. Even if you do not specifically have a family member or loved one lost in battle or duty, take a moment and offer a word of gratitude for the thousands of men and women you DON’T know who died so we could have our patriotic celebration in freedom.
It is happening all across America right now. The enticing scent of barbecue is wafting from backyard grills. Families are gathering together. Brothers and sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents are greeting loved ones they have not seen in far too long. City parks and backyards nationwide are alive with games of Frisbee, horseshoes and ladder golf. As the day turns to dusk, people will gather for memorial concerts performed by local bands or symphonies playing heart-stirring music by Copeland or Sousa. The holiday will be capped off by awe inspiring fireworks underscored by more patriotic tunes. Invariably, such underscoring will include a beloved tune written and performed by Lee Greenwood.
I’m proud to be an American
Where at least I know I’m free
And I won’t forget the men who died
Who gave that right to me
And I’d gladly stand up next to you
And defend her still today
Cuz’ there ain’t do doubt I love this land
God bless the U.S.A.
Each time I hear those words I am stunned at their simple and heartfelt sentiment.
Faced with a three-day weekend full of beautiful weather and family we can become wrapped up in celebrating the unofficial beginning of summer. It is easy to forget the true reason for the day: remembering those who have perished in defense of their country and the ideals upon which it was founded.
While it was not a formal national holiday until 1971, the roots of Memorial Day trace back to 1868 when General John A. Logan of the Grand Army of the Republic, an organization of former sailors and soldiers recommended a day to honor those who had sacrificed their lives in the recent Civil War. At that point it was called Decoration Day because it was set aside to decorate the graves of the fallen with flowers, flag or anything else deemed appropriate. During the first commemoration on May 30th, 1868, General James Garfield addressed over 5,000 attendees at Arlington National Cemetery who then worked together to place flags on the graves of 20,000 Union and Confederate solders. This tradition continues at Arlington today.
Local Decoration Day celebrations began happening annually across the newly reunited nation. After World War I, the solemnity which had now become known as Memorial Day expanded to include those lost in all American Wars. While General Logan suggested May 30th as a consistent date for this remembrance, upon it’s formalization in 1971, the holiday was fixed on the last Monday in May, rather than a specific date.
This is the reason we all have a day off of work. We have this day off to remember.
High Road Challenge for the Day: Memorial Day was set aside as a day to remember the fallen, and honor their sacrifice. It is so important that we take the time from our family celebrations to do that. Even if you do not specifically have a family member or loved one lost in battle or duty, take a moment and offer a word of gratitude for the thousands of men and women you DON’T know who died so we could have our patriotic celebration in freedom.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
This is not a dress rehearsal. Be in the moment.
This week, while attending a family dinner-out, I found myself intrigued by the people at the table next to us. Their family grouping included kids, ranging in age from their twenties to the youngest at about six, and three adults. Each and every time I glanced over at their table, at least one person was talking on a cell phone. Often many of them were chatting away to invisible others. The youngest child never seemed to lift her head from the digital game she was playing to keep herself occupied. The restaurant was loud enough that their cell phone conversations were lost in the general hubbub, so it was not distracting from the dialog at our table. It was, therefore, not intrusive to me; I was simply intrigued. I thought to myself, when are they going to engage with each other?
It is apparently becoming acceptable in 21st century etiquette to chatter away on a cell phone in very public places such as restaurants, grocery stores, sidewalks and parks. It may not be verbal conversations at all; I often see people with their faces buried in their cell phones, Palms, Blackberries or iPhones as their fingers fly through abbreviated words to each other.
Recently I was in line to check out at the grocery store. I was behind a woman who was engrossed in her phone conversation. This conversation was apparently so important that she could not see her child grabbing candy off the rack and dropping it on the conveyor belt. It was engrossing enough that she could not acknowledge the cashier who was being diligent and trying to verify that the mom really wanted to purchase all the items the child was adding. Finally the cashier stopped ringing items altogether and waited for the woman to notice. This delayed my transaction, and yet I had to smile. I was not at all irritated with the cashier. She was waiting until the woman engaged herself in the moment at hand. (Had it lasted too long, I probably would have become irritated with the woman on the phone. Luckily it did not take that long.) The woman hastily wrapped up her conversation, pulled the extraneous items off the belt and paid for her groceries. Before she wheeled her cart away, I saw her stop to dial her phone.
Had the cashier not forced the issue, I am sure the woman would have carried the conversation right through the transaction – working on muscle memory – and probably would have wondered about all the extra items in her bag once she got home.
At my son’s high school commencement ceremony this past week the principal who has guided both of my children through their high school years addressed the parents and guests in attendance. He recounted a conversation he had with the graduating class as they assembled in the staging room, wherein he made them “pinky-swear.” (Yes, this man is respected and loved enough by his students that even the roughest of 18 year old boys is willing to “pinky-swear” for him.) He said, “I made them ‘pinky-swear’ that tonight – for this three hours of their lives – they will not be texting in their laps. I implored them to….” He paused and encouraged the graduates to finish his sentence for him. Roughly 450 voices chimed in with, “BE IN THE MOMENT!”
I was profoundly impressed.
Will it last? Probably not, but for that three hours of time each of the graduates fully experienced everything that was going on around them. They engaged with each other and were in the moment.
High Road Challenge for the Week: Involve yourself. I encourage you to establish standards for yourself that preclude phone calls and texting during meals and other times when conversations with people in your immediate presence can be important. Take the opportunity to fully engage with the people around you. Be in the moment.
It is apparently becoming acceptable in 21st century etiquette to chatter away on a cell phone in very public places such as restaurants, grocery stores, sidewalks and parks. It may not be verbal conversations at all; I often see people with their faces buried in their cell phones, Palms, Blackberries or iPhones as their fingers fly through abbreviated words to each other.
Recently I was in line to check out at the grocery store. I was behind a woman who was engrossed in her phone conversation. This conversation was apparently so important that she could not see her child grabbing candy off the rack and dropping it on the conveyor belt. It was engrossing enough that she could not acknowledge the cashier who was being diligent and trying to verify that the mom really wanted to purchase all the items the child was adding. Finally the cashier stopped ringing items altogether and waited for the woman to notice. This delayed my transaction, and yet I had to smile. I was not at all irritated with the cashier. She was waiting until the woman engaged herself in the moment at hand. (Had it lasted too long, I probably would have become irritated with the woman on the phone. Luckily it did not take that long.) The woman hastily wrapped up her conversation, pulled the extraneous items off the belt and paid for her groceries. Before she wheeled her cart away, I saw her stop to dial her phone.
Had the cashier not forced the issue, I am sure the woman would have carried the conversation right through the transaction – working on muscle memory – and probably would have wondered about all the extra items in her bag once she got home.
At my son’s high school commencement ceremony this past week the principal who has guided both of my children through their high school years addressed the parents and guests in attendance. He recounted a conversation he had with the graduating class as they assembled in the staging room, wherein he made them “pinky-swear.” (Yes, this man is respected and loved enough by his students that even the roughest of 18 year old boys is willing to “pinky-swear” for him.) He said, “I made them ‘pinky-swear’ that tonight – for this three hours of their lives – they will not be texting in their laps. I implored them to….” He paused and encouraged the graduates to finish his sentence for him. Roughly 450 voices chimed in with, “BE IN THE MOMENT!”
I was profoundly impressed.
Will it last? Probably not, but for that three hours of time each of the graduates fully experienced everything that was going on around them. They engaged with each other and were in the moment.
High Road Challenge for the Week: Involve yourself. I encourage you to establish standards for yourself that preclude phone calls and texting during meals and other times when conversations with people in your immediate presence can be important. Take the opportunity to fully engage with the people around you. Be in the moment.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Passive-Aggressive Co-Workers?
I received an email from a reader this week:
Hi Barbie, what a great question! I know that many of my readers face similar situations, so thanks for bringing it to the High Road for discussion!
It’s important to remember that on the High Road, there are at least three sides to every story: yours, mine, and the truth. That means we’ll need to look at the situation from two points of view, with the understanding that the truth lies somewhere between them.
To “explode and say something I shouldn’t,” in this situation would not be my recommendation.
Whether this is a question of misinterpreted intentions, possible insecurity on your part or possible passive-aggressive tendencies on her part, my recommendation is going to be the same. Take the High Road. Flush (that is mentally flush away) your assumptions regarding her intentions and accept each and every one of her efforts with grace and gratitude, and praise her for a job well done.
High Road Challenge for the Week: Are there people in your circle of concern that you are making assumptions about, with regard to their thoughts, ideas or intentions? Remember, there are three sides to every story. Assume the best of intentions on their part and act accordingly.
I am consistently getting interesting feedback from my readers. What are your thoughts on this situation? How would you recommend Barbie respond to this situation?
"I have an issue with one of my co-workers. She always steps up to the plate when I ask for help or need anything done. I appreciate that, but every time she does, she goes an extra mile, does more than I would have and does it in a way that makes me feel incompetent or as if I would not have done it as good as she did. She is always quick with a compliment, but they seem insincere and condescending. It makes me dread having her on my committees or even being around her. I am about to explode and say something I shouldn’t. What is the High Road response to this?"
Barbie
Hi Barbie, what a great question! I know that many of my readers face similar situations, so thanks for bringing it to the High Road for discussion!
It’s important to remember that on the High Road, there are at least three sides to every story: yours, mine, and the truth. That means we’ll need to look at the situation from two points of view, with the understanding that the truth lies somewhere between them.
- It is quite possible that her efforts are sincere. You’ve portrayed her as a very capable and organized person. To conclude that she is going above and beyond on any task simply to make you look incompetent is perhaps reactionary.
Maybe she is a compliance personality (an analyzer, a thinker), and to put forth anything less than an exceptional effort is not acceptable to her. If that’s the case, it has nothing to do with you in the slightest.
I would also take the opportunity for introspection. I would ask myself why my co-worker’s extra-mile efforts trouble me. Do I need to step up my game? Is there anything that I can learn from my co-worker for personal growth?
It is always my recommendation that we follow the advice of St. Francis of Assisi (and Stephen Covey): seek first to understand. Don’t assume the worst. You would not want someone assuming that your efforts were ill-intended from the start - give her the same benefit of the doubt that you would want extended to you.
- On the other side is the possibility that her intention is to make you look or feel bad. It might be her passive-aggressive way of sniping at you and/or others.
I certainly have met many people in my life that glean their self-esteem by belittling, stepping on or – in this case – “showing up” someone else's efforts. (The truly sad result of that is the so-called self-esteem they gather is not a true self-esteem and therefore does not benefit them for any length of time.)
Difficult people behave the way they do because it gets them what they want. If this is the case with your co-worker, then the desired result is a rise out of you, some sort of reaction to attest to the fact that she has gotten under your skin. If that is so, then you would not benefit from giving her that reaction.
To “explode and say something I shouldn’t,” in this situation would not be my recommendation.
Whether this is a question of misinterpreted intentions, possible insecurity on your part or possible passive-aggressive tendencies on her part, my recommendation is going to be the same. Take the High Road. Flush (that is mentally flush away) your assumptions regarding her intentions and accept each and every one of her efforts with grace and gratitude, and praise her for a job well done.
High Road Challenge for the Week: Are there people in your circle of concern that you are making assumptions about, with regard to their thoughts, ideas or intentions? Remember, there are three sides to every story. Assume the best of intentions on their part and act accordingly.
I am consistently getting interesting feedback from my readers. What are your thoughts on this situation? How would you recommend Barbie respond to this situation?
Sunday, April 25, 2010
What can we learn from the Amazing Race?
I am an addict – I admit it. I am addicted to the television show The Amazing Race. I am not a big fan of most reality shows, but I LOVE The Amazing Race. I love seeing the different locations they travel to and the tasks teams are required to perform to get the next clue. The “detours” and “roadblocks” are never degrading and usually tied into the culture of the country or city they are in. I find it entertaining and educational simultaneously. As I have watched this show over the last 11 seasons (I didn’t discover it until season 5), I have noticed certain characteristics that separate successful teams from those that fall early in the competition. Furthermore, I believe these same characteristics are essential in our daily lives. These are the lessons I have learned from watching The Amazing Race:
Respectful communication is critical – The ability to communicate effectively and respectfully with their partner and others is perhaps the most important characteristic of successful Race teams. Every season there are a few teams that lack this essential element. Under the stress of the race (which can be extreme) these teams often spiral into petty bickering (at best) or (at worst) name calling and screaming. Forward progress usually stops until the bickering and name calling subsides. Furthermore, teams that snipe at other teams often earn a target on their back which can have calamitous results. Those teams that choose to communicate respectfully are able to avoid such delays and U-turns, and often end up in the top three, running for a million dollars.
Maintain emotional control – If you are not in emotional control, you are completely ineffective. Every season there are some classic emotional meltdowns. Again, any forward progress stops until the contestant can “pull it together” and focus back on task. This evening’s episode is a prime example. While teams were assembling a very large, 96-piece puzzle in Shanghai, China, the wind kicked up and blew puzzle pieces everywhere. While the model-team’s Brent stormed and fumed about how he had almost completed the puzzle before the wind messed it up – the cowboy-team’s, Cord went to work anchoring the remaining pieces down with folding chairs. In the “confessional” shot that aired at that moment he said, “Throwing a fit and kicking and screaming wasn’t gonna get my puzzle done.” That calm demeanor has served this cowboy team very well, as they have arrived first at the pit-stop more than any other team this season – even going from last place to first, which was the only time that has happened thus far in race history.
Pay attention to detail – Every season there are turning points when, in their haste, a team has missed an important part of their clue or instruction. Maybe they took a taxi to the pit-stop when the clue said to take the bus; or having completed the detour or road-block they have grabbed their clue and ran, forgetting their back-packs and their passports. Each time one of these teams misses an instruction they are assessed a time penalty that must be waited out before they can be checked in at the pit-stop. Many times this results in the team being eliminated. The aforementioned cowboy-team’s last place finish in leg 7 of this season happened for that reason They missed a key part of the clue and had to go back to complete the task before being checked in. Luckily for them it was a non-elimination round. The old adage of “haste makes waste” is viable here. Teams that take the time to fully read the clue over to make sure they understand all facets of the instructions do not end up with time penalties.
Maintain a positive attitude and never quit – Rarely do teams know exactly where they stand in relation to other teams during any particular leg of the race. Even if a team believes they are in last place at the time, there could very possibly be extenuating circumstances are “great equalizers” that they are not aware of. Therefore being willing to stick-to-it with a positive attitude is essential. Last season one of the strongest teams was the Harlem Globetrotter team of “Flight Time” and “Big Easy.” They were fan favorites until one of the last episodes when they made a decision to give up on a roadblock and not complete the task. This caused them to incur a 4 hour penalty and subsequently be eliminated from the race. Many times teams have worked long hours to complete a task and been retrieved from the field by the host, Phil Koeghan. The fact that they did not give up on the task until it was obvious that they were last, and therefore eliminated is admirable. Just as often teams have run to the finish line, certain that they are the last to arrive, to find out that there are other teams still behind them. The only certain way to lose the race is to quit.
Keep it all in perspective – Every season has several tasks or moments that my family refers to as “great equalizers.” Perhaps, regardless of when they leave the pit-stop (the first team to arrive is the first team to leave and therefore has a time advantage), all teams end up on the same flight to their new destination. This makes it a brand new race when the plane lands. Maybe the clue is located inside a museum that doesn’t open until 10:00 a.m. That means that whether teams arrive at the museum at midnight or 9:58 a.m. they all have to wait until the museum opens and again it is a brand new race. Great equalizers might be tasks that, for whatever reason, are incredibly difficult for the first place team, but the last place team breezes through it and catapults themselves into first. Sometimes the strongest teams have fallen to a great equalizer and there is nothing that can be done about it. As each team falls, they lose a chance to race on the final leg for a million dollars. None-the-less, they got a chance to travel the world and experience things that some of us only dream about – things that perhaps they would never have had an opportunity to experience. That is a blessing in itself. It is important to keep all things in perspective.
High Road Challenge for the Week: Our daily lives are not as adrenaline packed as the 12-15 days the teams experience on The Amazing Race. Still, these characteristics are just as critical to our daily success as they are to the Amazing Race teams. My challenge to you this week is to communicate respectfully, maintain emotional control, pay attention to detail, maintain a positive attitude, never quit and keep it all in perspective.
Respectful communication is critical – The ability to communicate effectively and respectfully with their partner and others is perhaps the most important characteristic of successful Race teams. Every season there are a few teams that lack this essential element. Under the stress of the race (which can be extreme) these teams often spiral into petty bickering (at best) or (at worst) name calling and screaming. Forward progress usually stops until the bickering and name calling subsides. Furthermore, teams that snipe at other teams often earn a target on their back which can have calamitous results. Those teams that choose to communicate respectfully are able to avoid such delays and U-turns, and often end up in the top three, running for a million dollars.
Maintain emotional control – If you are not in emotional control, you are completely ineffective. Every season there are some classic emotional meltdowns. Again, any forward progress stops until the contestant can “pull it together” and focus back on task. This evening’s episode is a prime example. While teams were assembling a very large, 96-piece puzzle in Shanghai, China, the wind kicked up and blew puzzle pieces everywhere. While the model-team’s Brent stormed and fumed about how he had almost completed the puzzle before the wind messed it up – the cowboy-team’s, Cord went to work anchoring the remaining pieces down with folding chairs. In the “confessional” shot that aired at that moment he said, “Throwing a fit and kicking and screaming wasn’t gonna get my puzzle done.” That calm demeanor has served this cowboy team very well, as they have arrived first at the pit-stop more than any other team this season – even going from last place to first, which was the only time that has happened thus far in race history.
Pay attention to detail – Every season there are turning points when, in their haste, a team has missed an important part of their clue or instruction. Maybe they took a taxi to the pit-stop when the clue said to take the bus; or having completed the detour or road-block they have grabbed their clue and ran, forgetting their back-packs and their passports. Each time one of these teams misses an instruction they are assessed a time penalty that must be waited out before they can be checked in at the pit-stop. Many times this results in the team being eliminated. The aforementioned cowboy-team’s last place finish in leg 7 of this season happened for that reason They missed a key part of the clue and had to go back to complete the task before being checked in. Luckily for them it was a non-elimination round. The old adage of “haste makes waste” is viable here. Teams that take the time to fully read the clue over to make sure they understand all facets of the instructions do not end up with time penalties.
Maintain a positive attitude and never quit – Rarely do teams know exactly where they stand in relation to other teams during any particular leg of the race. Even if a team believes they are in last place at the time, there could very possibly be extenuating circumstances are “great equalizers” that they are not aware of. Therefore being willing to stick-to-it with a positive attitude is essential. Last season one of the strongest teams was the Harlem Globetrotter team of “Flight Time” and “Big Easy.” They were fan favorites until one of the last episodes when they made a decision to give up on a roadblock and not complete the task. This caused them to incur a 4 hour penalty and subsequently be eliminated from the race. Many times teams have worked long hours to complete a task and been retrieved from the field by the host, Phil Koeghan. The fact that they did not give up on the task until it was obvious that they were last, and therefore eliminated is admirable. Just as often teams have run to the finish line, certain that they are the last to arrive, to find out that there are other teams still behind them. The only certain way to lose the race is to quit.
Keep it all in perspective – Every season has several tasks or moments that my family refers to as “great equalizers.” Perhaps, regardless of when they leave the pit-stop (the first team to arrive is the first team to leave and therefore has a time advantage), all teams end up on the same flight to their new destination. This makes it a brand new race when the plane lands. Maybe the clue is located inside a museum that doesn’t open until 10:00 a.m. That means that whether teams arrive at the museum at midnight or 9:58 a.m. they all have to wait until the museum opens and again it is a brand new race. Great equalizers might be tasks that, for whatever reason, are incredibly difficult for the first place team, but the last place team breezes through it and catapults themselves into first. Sometimes the strongest teams have fallen to a great equalizer and there is nothing that can be done about it. As each team falls, they lose a chance to race on the final leg for a million dollars. None-the-less, they got a chance to travel the world and experience things that some of us only dream about – things that perhaps they would never have had an opportunity to experience. That is a blessing in itself. It is important to keep all things in perspective.
High Road Challenge for the Week: Our daily lives are not as adrenaline packed as the 12-15 days the teams experience on The Amazing Race. Still, these characteristics are just as critical to our daily success as they are to the Amazing Race teams. My challenge to you this week is to communicate respectfully, maintain emotional control, pay attention to detail, maintain a positive attitude, never quit and keep it all in perspective.
Friday, April 16, 2010
There are Three Sides to Every Story
Because of my speaking business, I travel a great deal. Sometimes it is pleasant and exciting, sometimes it is not. I have learned over the years to go with the flow and not get too stressed about any “travel hiccups” that may occur. My traveling actually gives me an incredible opportunity to watch people.
This past week I observed a situation that brought to mind my belief that there are three sides to every story: yours, mine and the truth. While waiting to board a plane in Philadelphia I struck up a conversation with a man whose flight itinerary was identical to mine. We were both heading home to Kansas City, through Cleveland. We exchanged the pleasantries of what we each do for a living and surface level discussions of our favorite (or least favorite) sports teams. He boarded the plane before I did as I was seated in the very first row.
Once in Cleveland we ended up in step with each other again, heading for our connecting gate and he was eager to get my opinion of the flight attendant on the previous flight.
“Boy, that gal sure could have used some of your communication training, eh?”
I thought I knew what he probably meant, but I wanted to be sure. “How so?”
“Well she sure wouldn’t get a tip in a restaurant. In fact, she was a down right (expletive deleted).”
Now, this gal was not in anyway soft and cuddly to begin with. She had a heavy Brooklyn accent and her speech patterns were fast and clipped. Being farther back on the plane, though, he did not have the benefit of the knowledge I had.
Sitting as I was in the very first row, I overheard a telephone conversation the flight attendant had just before closing the cabin door. Her 16 year old son had called her – it appeared that this was his first faux pas. The conversation went downhill from there. He apparently had taken their only car to run an errand that day and something had happened to it. I am not clear on those details. The point of the conversation though was that this young man had called a friend to pick him up and left the car on the side of the road from where it was apparently towed. He had gone back with his friend to retrieve something from the vehicle and it was no longer there. He had no idea where the car was at that point.
The flight attendant was beside herself. “Do you have any IDEA what towing in the city costs? I don’t have that kind of money and neither do you.” She expressed to him, quite forcefully, that he had better find out where the car had been towed and what it was going to take to get the car back. She would call him when we landed in Cleveland and he had better have some answers by then. We commiserated a bit, she and I, about how our kids “just don’t get it” and about how tight finances are for all of us.
I shared this information with the man as we walked to our connecting gate. I said, “Can you imagine having to focus on taking care of us, while worrying about how much the towing and citation is going to cost her? I think that may have something to do with her clipped tone.”
“Wow,” he said, “I had no idea. I’d kill the kid.” (I’m sure he wasn’t serious.) “I sure hope it doesn’t cost her an arm and a leg.”
Suddenly the man had empathy for the flight attendant, rather than being so quick to label her derogatorily.
There is an old Hopi adage that my mother used to share with me: “One can’t truly know a man until he has walked a mile in that man’s moccasins.” My spontaneous traveling partner for the trip simply needed to step into the flight attendant’s shoes for a moment to be able to forgive her seemingly poor customer service.
Several of the blogs I subscribe to have recently been bemoaning poor customer service. Without a doubt, customer service is important. I would be eager to share with my colleagues (and indeed have to two of them) that the cause of that customer service may be deeper than a perceived lack of work ethic. Perhaps walking a mile in their shoes would reveal that.
There are three sides to every story. The man’s side: he received service on the flight that was surly at best. The flight attendant’s side: she was totally overwhelmed by the thought of the impending expense and her son’s incredible lack of responsibility. The truth of the matter during that flight lays somewhere between these two realities.
High Road Challenge for the Day: The next time you receive poor customer service, ask yourself the question, “What might have happened just before I arrived, that would cause this poor service?” It may need to be a hypothetical question. If convenient and appropriate, you might ask, in a respectful manner. “You know, the service I received today is not up to the standard that I have come to expect from you (this establishment). Tell me, is there something distracting you today?” Endeavor to walk a mile in their shoes so you can see the other two sides of the story.
This past week I observed a situation that brought to mind my belief that there are three sides to every story: yours, mine and the truth. While waiting to board a plane in Philadelphia I struck up a conversation with a man whose flight itinerary was identical to mine. We were both heading home to Kansas City, through Cleveland. We exchanged the pleasantries of what we each do for a living and surface level discussions of our favorite (or least favorite) sports teams. He boarded the plane before I did as I was seated in the very first row.
Once in Cleveland we ended up in step with each other again, heading for our connecting gate and he was eager to get my opinion of the flight attendant on the previous flight.
“Boy, that gal sure could have used some of your communication training, eh?”
I thought I knew what he probably meant, but I wanted to be sure. “How so?”
“Well she sure wouldn’t get a tip in a restaurant. In fact, she was a down right (expletive deleted).”
Now, this gal was not in anyway soft and cuddly to begin with. She had a heavy Brooklyn accent and her speech patterns were fast and clipped. Being farther back on the plane, though, he did not have the benefit of the knowledge I had.
Sitting as I was in the very first row, I overheard a telephone conversation the flight attendant had just before closing the cabin door. Her 16 year old son had called her – it appeared that this was his first faux pas. The conversation went downhill from there. He apparently had taken their only car to run an errand that day and something had happened to it. I am not clear on those details. The point of the conversation though was that this young man had called a friend to pick him up and left the car on the side of the road from where it was apparently towed. He had gone back with his friend to retrieve something from the vehicle and it was no longer there. He had no idea where the car was at that point.
The flight attendant was beside herself. “Do you have any IDEA what towing in the city costs? I don’t have that kind of money and neither do you.” She expressed to him, quite forcefully, that he had better find out where the car had been towed and what it was going to take to get the car back. She would call him when we landed in Cleveland and he had better have some answers by then. We commiserated a bit, she and I, about how our kids “just don’t get it” and about how tight finances are for all of us.
I shared this information with the man as we walked to our connecting gate. I said, “Can you imagine having to focus on taking care of us, while worrying about how much the towing and citation is going to cost her? I think that may have something to do with her clipped tone.”
“Wow,” he said, “I had no idea. I’d kill the kid.” (I’m sure he wasn’t serious.) “I sure hope it doesn’t cost her an arm and a leg.”
Suddenly the man had empathy for the flight attendant, rather than being so quick to label her derogatorily.
There is an old Hopi adage that my mother used to share with me: “One can’t truly know a man until he has walked a mile in that man’s moccasins.” My spontaneous traveling partner for the trip simply needed to step into the flight attendant’s shoes for a moment to be able to forgive her seemingly poor customer service.
Several of the blogs I subscribe to have recently been bemoaning poor customer service. Without a doubt, customer service is important. I would be eager to share with my colleagues (and indeed have to two of them) that the cause of that customer service may be deeper than a perceived lack of work ethic. Perhaps walking a mile in their shoes would reveal that.
There are three sides to every story. The man’s side: he received service on the flight that was surly at best. The flight attendant’s side: she was totally overwhelmed by the thought of the impending expense and her son’s incredible lack of responsibility. The truth of the matter during that flight lays somewhere between these two realities.
High Road Challenge for the Day: The next time you receive poor customer service, ask yourself the question, “What might have happened just before I arrived, that would cause this poor service?” It may need to be a hypothetical question. If convenient and appropriate, you might ask, in a respectful manner. “You know, the service I received today is not up to the standard that I have come to expect from you (this establishment). Tell me, is there something distracting you today?” Endeavor to walk a mile in their shoes so you can see the other two sides of the story.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Make my Day...
During my travels yesterday, I had a lay-over at Chicago O’Hare airport. I sat down at a small table across from my gate to catch up on my email and await the boarding call. There was a fellow sitting at the table next to me finishing off his burger and fries. The lid on his soda must not have been on quite right, for as he got up to leave, the full soda cup came splashing to the ground leaving the lid still in his hand. Luckily my suitcase and laptop bag were on the other side of me so I only suffered secondary splash on my jeans and boots. The man offered apologies and said, “I guess I better go find a way to clean that up.” He then headed off down the concourse not to be seen again.
Across the lane I saw a member of the Scrubs cleaning service shaking her head. (I think it is a great marketing angle this company has, by the way. They are called Scrubs. All the members of their cleaning crew wear uniforms patterned to look like medical scrubs with name, “Scrubs” embroidered over the breast pocket… clever.) The Scrubs gal brought her cleaning cart over and said, “… 'go find a way to clean that up'….. The man can see me standing right there!”
I smiled at her and said, “I’m not convinced that was his real intent as he left.” This made her laugh. Then I said, “I imagine it’s all too easy to feel invisible here, doing what you do among all the hubbub of travel.”
“You got that right,” she said as she continued working to clean up the spilled soda and dispose of the trash he had left on the table.
“Well I, for one, appreciate what you do. I know that you and the rest of the ‘invisible’ cleaning crew work hard to keep this place clean. That is not an easy job considering the sheer volume of people who come through here every day. I appreciate it.”
“Well thank you very much!” Her smile was beaming. “No one has ever said that to me before. You just made my day.” Her task was done at that point and she headed off to find the next mess to be cleaned up.
Actually, she had made my day. Just seeing that smile explode across her face and the change in her gait as she walked away made a long day of travel seem all worth while. I felt like I had been in the right place at the right time for the right reason – and I came out the beneficiary of the conversation.
High Road Challenge for the day: Who are the seemingly invisible people around you today? Is it the cleaning staff, or the fellow who comes in to maintain the plants in lobby? Maybe it’s the security officer who screens your bag or the voice at the other end of the drive-through speaker. Notice someone who is otherwise invisible and offer them appreciation for what they do to keep our lives humming along. You'll be amazed at how much that blesses your day.
Across the lane I saw a member of the Scrubs cleaning service shaking her head. (I think it is a great marketing angle this company has, by the way. They are called Scrubs. All the members of their cleaning crew wear uniforms patterned to look like medical scrubs with name, “Scrubs” embroidered over the breast pocket… clever.) The Scrubs gal brought her cleaning cart over and said, “… 'go find a way to clean that up'….. The man can see me standing right there!”
I smiled at her and said, “I’m not convinced that was his real intent as he left.” This made her laugh. Then I said, “I imagine it’s all too easy to feel invisible here, doing what you do among all the hubbub of travel.”
“You got that right,” she said as she continued working to clean up the spilled soda and dispose of the trash he had left on the table.
“Well I, for one, appreciate what you do. I know that you and the rest of the ‘invisible’ cleaning crew work hard to keep this place clean. That is not an easy job considering the sheer volume of people who come through here every day. I appreciate it.”
“Well thank you very much!” Her smile was beaming. “No one has ever said that to me before. You just made my day.” Her task was done at that point and she headed off to find the next mess to be cleaned up.
Actually, she had made my day. Just seeing that smile explode across her face and the change in her gait as she walked away made a long day of travel seem all worth while. I felt like I had been in the right place at the right time for the right reason – and I came out the beneficiary of the conversation.
High Road Challenge for the day: Who are the seemingly invisible people around you today? Is it the cleaning staff, or the fellow who comes in to maintain the plants in lobby? Maybe it’s the security officer who screens your bag or the voice at the other end of the drive-through speaker. Notice someone who is otherwise invisible and offer them appreciation for what they do to keep our lives humming along. You'll be amazed at how much that blesses your day.
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