Punctuality

Perspective

2011 - I'm Resolved, Are You?

               
2010 has passed into memory now and we are two days into 2011. It is customary at the onset of a new year to reflect on the one just expired and establish resolutions for the one that stretches before us.


I have been asked several times in the past 48 hours what my resolutions for the new year might be. While I have never actually put much stock into verbalizing resolutions just because it is the beginning of a new year, the question has caused me to think about my continuing personal growth. Therefore, as I endeavor to grow in specific areas over the next year, I encourage you to join me and:

• Focus on your strengths

So much of our time is spent dwelling on our weaknesses and what we don’t do well. Instead, I encourage you to focus on what you are proficient at, your core-competency. Everyone has their talents and strengths – unique to themselves. Focus on those and delegate that which you don’t do well to capable others.


• Ask questions

We have all heard the adage regarding how to break down the word “assume.” Asking questions to clarify understanding prevents misunderstandings and misinterpretations and also reduces conflict. It's especially valuable to ask questions rather than presuming another’s intentions or motivations. Furthermore clarifying your understanding can save a great deal of time so often wasted when one proceeds on assumptions.


• Admit when you are wrong

When used in this order, “I was wrong,” are three of the most valuable words in High Road communication. Rather than indicating weakness – recognizing, owning up to and admitting when you are wrong is both a sign of character and a High Road mentality.


• Give up to go up

As Dr. John C. Maxwell shares with us in his book The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership, you have to give up to go up. (Law #18 – The Law of Sacrifice) Many times it is necessary to give up what is secure, stable and, perhaps, stagnant to grow in areas that are riskier but may have a larger return in the long run.


• Find opportunity in crisis

It is so easy, especially in this uncertain time and economy, to see potential doom in a bad turn of events. I encourage you to start thinking outside the gloom and ask yourself, “How can this potential obstacle be turned into an opportunity?”



I think that is a healthy amount of paradigm shift for the beginning of my year. I am curious, what will YOU be focusing on for your personal growth as we enthusiastically embrace 2011?  Please enter your responses in the comments section, where they can inspire and motivate other readers to find their High Road Solutions for 2011.

Are you Assertive or Persuasive? - Part 2

                 
My last blog highlighted the question, “From a High Road perspective, which characteristic do you feel is more effective — to be assertive or to be persuasive?” I espoused that both characteristics are necessary to lead from a High Road perspective.


I took that opportunity to share The Four Keys to Persuasion. Today I focus on assertiveness.
According to the Oxford English Dictionary, to assert is to: “state an opinion, claim a right, or establish authority. If you assert yourself, you behave in a way that expresses your confidence, importance or power and earns you respect from others.”


As my regular readers know, High Road Communicators always endeavor to:

1. provide a communication environment where all people feel comfortable and respected in their presence

2. stand their own ground, and

3. get their message across in clear and simple terms.

It is important to attempt to see things from another’s perspective without compromising your own needs. Being able to advocate for yourself without being disrespectful or intimidating cultivates a stronger self-image and helps garner you respect from others.


Assertive communication bears six hallmarks, distinctive characteristics you won’t find in passive or aggressive communication.

• Congruent, non-threatening body language – You are always saying something, whether you are speaking or not. Make sure you are communicating the message you desire with your non-verbal indicators and that you are not contradicting yourself. A non-verbal message that is assertive is neutral, squared and centered. It is not convex, aggressive or bristling, nor is it concave, closed off or defensive. Assertive body language indicates confidence and openness.

• An inviting vocal tone – Communicating in a softer, yet confident tone allows others to focus on your message rather than your tone of voice. Renowned communication author and trainer, Michelle Poley recommends a “pass the butter” voice (the tone you would use at the dinner table when asking someone to pass the butter). For the most part that involves a slightly softer volume, lower pitch and slower pace.


• “I” statements – One of the best ways to communicate assertively is to construct your verbal position by using an abundance of “I statements.” “I statements” begin with “I” (rather than “you”) and are not aggressive, accusatory or defensive. Rather than ranting, “You make me so mad!” you might say, “I am angry with you. Rather than saying, “You are always late,” you might say, “I expect you to be on time.”


• Clarity and conciseness – Assertive communicators stay on topic and are able to get to the point. Hemming and hawing or avoiding your point will brand you a passive communicator, while ranting and raving mark you as aggressive.


• Positive focus – People who are assertive keep their focus on the positive rather than dwelling on the negative aspect of a situation. Assertiveness requires a certain measure of optimism.


• A message that is well thought out – A final guideline for communicating assertively is to think before you speak. When I was a child, my mother consistently admonished me, saying, “Activate your brain before you engage your mouth.” Before you speak always ask yourself, “Is what I’m about to say true, kind and necessary?”


High Road Challenge for the Day – Think back on a conversation that did not go well for you. Were you communicating assertively? Take some time in anticipation of an upcoming conversation and devise a strategy that will incorporate each of the assertive characteristics mentioned. Then practice them to ensure the conversation comes out the way you want.

Got prejudice?

        

“We are each burdened with prejudice; against the poor or the rich, the smart or the slow, the gaunt or the obese.  It is natural to develop prejudices.  It is noble to rise above them.”  ~Author Unknown


Having settled in for a week with the kids home from college, I had the opportunity last night to enjoy a meal around the table with my whole family. (It’s a very rare treat lately.)  The conversation that grows out of our dinners is always intriguing and refreshing.  Last night’s discourse centered on a perceived prejudice that has arisen with one of my daughter’s friends.  This created a lively discussion about what exactly is prejudice, as compared to cultural norms and practices.

Dictionary.com defines prejudice as: “unreasonable feelings, opinions, or attitudes, esp. of a hostile nature, regarding a racial, religious, or national group.” 

I would go beyond that dictionary characterization.  My definition of prejudice (just mine) is any negative feeling toward anyone who looks, thinks, believes, behaves, speaks, dresses, smells, moves or functions differently than I do – any negative feeling toward anyone who is different because they are different. 

As I have mentioned here before and discuss in Road Signs, our goal as High Road communicators is to allow all people to feel comfortable and respected in our presence, while standing our own ground and getting our message across.  In my experience, prejudice is insidious. The negative feelings I used  for my definition of prejudice often originate from understandable circumstances, but slowly take root and grow out of control until the original reasoning is lost. At that point, it becomes each individual’s choice to continue to grant  those feelings control, or to instead choose the high road in order to allow feelings of mutual respect and comfort, which in turn brings about all the benefits of High Road communication.

Here are four steps that will help you choose to travel on the right road.

1.    Investigate your differences – Dr. Stephen Covey, who wrote the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, encourages us to seek first to understand, then to be understood.  That means our job as High Road communicators (the natural extension of our goal) is to meet who we are communicating with at his or her comfort zone – not assume they will meet us at ours.  It is our responsibility to investigate, accept and internalize the differences between us.

2.   Change your perspective – Hopefully investigating your differences will allow you to step into the other person’s shoes and see things from a different paradigm.  Doing so can allow you to empathize with them.  Empathy is a very strong antidote for prejudice.

3.    Modify your reaction – There is a profound difference between reaction and response.  Reaction is emotional, visceral, knee-jerk.  Response requires thought.  When in the presence of someone against whom we have a prejudice (for whatever reason) there is usually a conditioned, physiological reaction.  Hopefully working through these first two steps will allow you to change that conditioned reaction.

4.    Discipline your response – If doing these steps hasn't allowed you to change your reaction and see the person on a more equal ground, I encourage you to discipline your response. Verify that each of your proposed actions and/or words would be equal to situations where no prejudice is involved.


High Road Challenge for the Day – When your gut instinct tells you to perceive someone negatively because they are different in any way, stop.  Work through these steps.  The key to High Road communicating is not to be completely without prejudice.  The key is communicating in a manner such that no one would ever know.

Your Words are Like Toothpaste

       

I recently had the opportunity to teach conflict management skills to at-risk teens for a major urban Boys and Girls Club. It was an exciting challenge.

I segued into a new section with them by throwing out some famous statements (or misstatements) and asking if they could tell me who said them. I was not surprised to discover that, even though some of the statements were quite classic, most of the teens knew who had said them and in what context. They included:


“Read my lips: no new taxes.”

“I am not a crook.”

“If the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”

“Can’t we all just get along?”

“I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

“Mission accomplished.”


(and more recently…)

“I’d like my life back.”

“I am not a witch.”


I then gave each of them a cocktail-sized paper plate and a travel-sized tube of toothpaste. I said, “For this next exercise we’ll need some toothpaste. So, let’s get some toothpaste out on the plates.” I watched as some of them squeezed the entire tube onto their plate. Some people doled out more conservative piles. There were some pea-sized dollops. I waited until everyone had toothpaste on their plate and then I said, “Dang! I forgot. That’s not this exercise, it’s the next exercise. Okay…. We don’t want the toothpaste to go to waste, so let’s put it back in the tubes for now.”


They looked at me as if I had suddenly sprouted two extra heads. I said “What? You can’t do that? Well, of course you can’t. Once the toothpaste is out of its tube, it’s out. Your words are the much same way— once they leave your mouth… (The new section was a section on mouth management, of course…)


It is important to understand that our words are like toothpaste. Anything and everything we utter is permanently attached to us because it came out of our mouths. We’ve all seen lawyer shows on TV where the attorney asks a question, the other lawyer objects, and the original lawyer says “withdrawn.” She or he knows the damage has been done, and even if the jury is told to disregard something, that’s incredibly hard to do. How many times have you heard someone say something in anger, then apologize profusely and say “I didn’t mean it”? The hurt feelings don’t go away—they linger, even when forgiveness is offered.


This is why High Road communication is so crucial.

High Road Challenge for the Day:

As Dr. Stephen Covey recommends in his Seven Habits of Highly Effective People (habit #1), be proactive about what comes out of your mouth.

Before you speak, ask yourself:

• Is what I’m about to say true?

• Is it kind?

• Is it necessary?

• Would I want this statement attached to my name permanently?


and temper your words accordingly.

Releasing Perfectionism

“Lauren, I was in the audience at your presentation last week. You said something that caused me to write a note in the margin of my notebook: ‘release perfectionism.’ This is something that I really struggle with and I know my perfectionism paralyzes me sometimes. You seem to have managed your perfectionism. Can you tell me how you do it?”    Sandra O.



Sandra,

This is such a timely question for me! I was discussing this subject with one of my mentors just this week.


I have certainly struggled (and still struggle) the paralysis that often accompanies perfectionism. I’ve felt conflicted by competing influences – one that says “It doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to be done,” – another that says “If it’s not done right, why are you doing it at all?” (Sometimes those influences are external - sometimes they are internal.) “Managing” our perfectionism is an on-going process for those of us plagued with the perfection virus.


So let’s start with a baseline premise. I would venture to say that as a perfectionist, your perception of “acceptable” or “adequate” is often what others would consider “well done.” (I understand that we of this ilk would often rather be dead than “adequate,” but follow me on this…) So if your “adequate” matches others’ “well done,” nine times out of ten, by your very nature, you are inherently producing a quality result.


Here are other factors that help me on an on-going basis:


• Pillars of Serenity – In Road Signs on the High Road of Life, I introduced the concept of the two Pillars of Serenity that keep us grounded and peaceful in our daily walk, one being your own self-esteem, the other being respect to all people. The pillar most relevant for this discussion is self-esteem. We perfectionists tend to place our value in the quality of, or others’ perception of, the quality of our work. It’s crucial to remember that your value is inherent in the fact that you exist. It’s not in any way related to the work you do.

• Settle for excellence – Even though we strive for perfection, we understand that achieving it is impossible. Therefore, it’s important to settle for and accept excellence as an alternative.

• Internal dialog – I have found that we perfectionists are some of the only people capable of stealing our own joy. Regardless of how amazing our performance might have been, we always tell ourselves, “I could have done it better.” Instead, it’s important to shift that mental dialog to something like “I did an excellent job.”

• Growth framework – You could have always “done it better” – because in truth no one is perfect. Yet, with every effort you are getting better. Perfectionists rarely, if ever, make the same mistake twice, so with every effort you are growing and improving. As long as you are growing and improving, then with every effort you are on target for that perfection you desire. Allowing yourself to be on target for perfection gives you a mental framework wherein you can always feel good about yourself. Make sure you allow yourself that mental framework.


These are some of the things I focus on to assist me in working through my perfectionism. I’m interested to hear from others. What factors help you in overcoming perfectionism paralysis?