Are you Assertive or Persuasive? - Part 2

                 
My last blog highlighted the question, “From a High Road perspective, which characteristic do you feel is more effective — to be assertive or to be persuasive?” I espoused that both characteristics are necessary to lead from a High Road perspective.


I took that opportunity to share The Four Keys to Persuasion. Today I focus on assertiveness.
According to the Oxford English Dictionary, to assert is to: “state an opinion, claim a right, or establish authority. If you assert yourself, you behave in a way that expresses your confidence, importance or power and earns you respect from others.”


As my regular readers know, High Road Communicators always endeavor to:

1. provide a communication environment where all people feel comfortable and respected in their presence

2. stand their own ground, and

3. get their message across in clear and simple terms.

It is important to attempt to see things from another’s perspective without compromising your own needs. Being able to advocate for yourself without being disrespectful or intimidating cultivates a stronger self-image and helps garner you respect from others.


Assertive communication bears six hallmarks, distinctive characteristics you won’t find in passive or aggressive communication.

• Congruent, non-threatening body language – You are always saying something, whether you are speaking or not. Make sure you are communicating the message you desire with your non-verbal indicators and that you are not contradicting yourself. A non-verbal message that is assertive is neutral, squared and centered. It is not convex, aggressive or bristling, nor is it concave, closed off or defensive. Assertive body language indicates confidence and openness.

• An inviting vocal tone – Communicating in a softer, yet confident tone allows others to focus on your message rather than your tone of voice. Renowned communication author and trainer, Michelle Poley recommends a “pass the butter” voice (the tone you would use at the dinner table when asking someone to pass the butter). For the most part that involves a slightly softer volume, lower pitch and slower pace.


• “I” statements – One of the best ways to communicate assertively is to construct your verbal position by using an abundance of “I statements.” “I statements” begin with “I” (rather than “you”) and are not aggressive, accusatory or defensive. Rather than ranting, “You make me so mad!” you might say, “I am angry with you. Rather than saying, “You are always late,” you might say, “I expect you to be on time.”


• Clarity and conciseness – Assertive communicators stay on topic and are able to get to the point. Hemming and hawing or avoiding your point will brand you a passive communicator, while ranting and raving mark you as aggressive.


• Positive focus – People who are assertive keep their focus on the positive rather than dwelling on the negative aspect of a situation. Assertiveness requires a certain measure of optimism.


• A message that is well thought out – A final guideline for communicating assertively is to think before you speak. When I was a child, my mother consistently admonished me, saying, “Activate your brain before you engage your mouth.” Before you speak always ask yourself, “Is what I’m about to say true, kind and necessary?”


High Road Challenge for the Day – Think back on a conversation that did not go well for you. Were you communicating assertively? Take some time in anticipation of an upcoming conversation and devise a strategy that will incorporate each of the assertive characteristics mentioned. Then practice them to ensure the conversation comes out the way you want.

Are you Assertive or Persuasive?

               
During a session I did this week on Leading from the High Road, I found myself mediating a very engaging debate between two participants. The question I had thrown out for discussion was, “From a High Road perspective, which characteristic do you feel is more effective — to be assertive or to be persuasive?” I allowed them to verbally duke it out for a bit before I jumped back in to guide the resolution of the conversation.


The conclusion that I guided them to is – both. I believe it is important to be assertive and persuasive simultaneously. These complimentary characteristics must both be in play to lead productively from a High Road perspective.


As I have mentioned here before, you must be assertive in your communication to be effective. If you are passive, others will steamroll over you. If you are aggressive, you will repel more people than you attract. Truly successful leaders and communicators are consistently assertive. Next week I’ll offer some suggestions on how to communicate assertively; today I want to focus on persuasion.


According to Dictionary.com, persuasion is “the ability to prevail on someone to do something, either by advising or urging.” It’s a trickier skill to master than assertiveness. There are four factors that are essential to being persuasive— I call them my Four Keys to Persuasion.


1. Build rapport first – Establish a relationship at some level as quickly as possible. This allows the other person to see you as an ally immediately. Then, when you need to offer them negative feedback, ask them to make a change or do something in a specific manner, they are less likely to be argumentative, defensive or resistant. People won’t care how much you know until they know how much you care. Every human being on Earth has an invisible sign hanging around their neck that says “Make me feel important.” Read the sign. Build rapport first.



2. Tell them what’s in it for them – Your second key to persuasion involves the proverbial WIIFM – “what’s in it for me?” On that invisible sign everyone has around their neck, underneath the great big letters that say “make me feel important” are little-bitty letters that say “and what’s in it for me?” Give them the “what’s in it for them.” How’s it going to benefit them to improve their performance? How’s it going to benefit them to make that change or do things as you want them done? Frankly, they don’t care how it’s going to benefit you — they do care how’s it’s going to benefit them.



3. Maintain two-way communication – No one likes to be talked at. Everyone appreciates being communicated with. Make sure that communication is flowing well in both directions. This means you need to listen as much, or more than you speak. Listening is the most under-utilized, under-appreciated, under-practiced communication skill – and yet it is crucial. In business, as in life, people feel drawn toward people they believe are listening to them – and tend to discount people they believe are not listening to them. As a High Road Communicator, you want that inertia in your favor. Besides, every human being that I have met thus far in my life was born with two ears and only one mouth. The challenge is remembering to use them in correct proportion! You need to make sure you are listening as much or more than you’re talking.



4. Get their input – People will support that which they helped to create, so get their input. You don’t have to act on every piece of input you get – although if you’re smart, you’ll act on as much of it as you can. Otherwise you’ll build a reputation as someone who is just doing lip-service to gathering input. Get the input every time; act on it when you can.


These Four Keys to Persuasion, when combined with consistent assertive communication, will give you a good start on leading from the High Road.


High Road Challenge for the Day: Think of a time when someone “persuaded” you to do something different than you had planned to do. Did they use Four Keys to Persuasion, or did they steamroll you into submission? Identify how you would use the Four Keys to Persuasion to achieve a similar goal.

Got prejudice?

        

“We are each burdened with prejudice; against the poor or the rich, the smart or the slow, the gaunt or the obese.  It is natural to develop prejudices.  It is noble to rise above them.”  ~Author Unknown


Having settled in for a week with the kids home from college, I had the opportunity last night to enjoy a meal around the table with my whole family. (It’s a very rare treat lately.)  The conversation that grows out of our dinners is always intriguing and refreshing.  Last night’s discourse centered on a perceived prejudice that has arisen with one of my daughter’s friends.  This created a lively discussion about what exactly is prejudice, as compared to cultural norms and practices.

Dictionary.com defines prejudice as: “unreasonable feelings, opinions, or attitudes, esp. of a hostile nature, regarding a racial, religious, or national group.” 

I would go beyond that dictionary characterization.  My definition of prejudice (just mine) is any negative feeling toward anyone who looks, thinks, believes, behaves, speaks, dresses, smells, moves or functions differently than I do – any negative feeling toward anyone who is different because they are different. 

As I have mentioned here before and discuss in Road Signs, our goal as High Road communicators is to allow all people to feel comfortable and respected in our presence, while standing our own ground and getting our message across.  In my experience, prejudice is insidious. The negative feelings I used  for my definition of prejudice often originate from understandable circumstances, but slowly take root and grow out of control until the original reasoning is lost. At that point, it becomes each individual’s choice to continue to grant  those feelings control, or to instead choose the high road in order to allow feelings of mutual respect and comfort, which in turn brings about all the benefits of High Road communication.

Here are four steps that will help you choose to travel on the right road.

1.    Investigate your differences – Dr. Stephen Covey, who wrote the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, encourages us to seek first to understand, then to be understood.  That means our job as High Road communicators (the natural extension of our goal) is to meet who we are communicating with at his or her comfort zone – not assume they will meet us at ours.  It is our responsibility to investigate, accept and internalize the differences between us.

2.   Change your perspective – Hopefully investigating your differences will allow you to step into the other person’s shoes and see things from a different paradigm.  Doing so can allow you to empathize with them.  Empathy is a very strong antidote for prejudice.

3.    Modify your reaction – There is a profound difference between reaction and response.  Reaction is emotional, visceral, knee-jerk.  Response requires thought.  When in the presence of someone against whom we have a prejudice (for whatever reason) there is usually a conditioned, physiological reaction.  Hopefully working through these first two steps will allow you to change that conditioned reaction.

4.    Discipline your response – If doing these steps hasn't allowed you to change your reaction and see the person on a more equal ground, I encourage you to discipline your response. Verify that each of your proposed actions and/or words would be equal to situations where no prejudice is involved.


High Road Challenge for the Day – When your gut instinct tells you to perceive someone negatively because they are different in any way, stop.  Work through these steps.  The key to High Road communicating is not to be completely without prejudice.  The key is communicating in a manner such that no one would ever know.

Your Words are Like Toothpaste

       

I recently had the opportunity to teach conflict management skills to at-risk teens for a major urban Boys and Girls Club. It was an exciting challenge.

I segued into a new section with them by throwing out some famous statements (or misstatements) and asking if they could tell me who said them. I was not surprised to discover that, even though some of the statements were quite classic, most of the teens knew who had said them and in what context. They included:


“Read my lips: no new taxes.”

“I am not a crook.”

“If the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”

“Can’t we all just get along?”

“I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

“Mission accomplished.”


(and more recently…)

“I’d like my life back.”

“I am not a witch.”


I then gave each of them a cocktail-sized paper plate and a travel-sized tube of toothpaste. I said, “For this next exercise we’ll need some toothpaste. So, let’s get some toothpaste out on the plates.” I watched as some of them squeezed the entire tube onto their plate. Some people doled out more conservative piles. There were some pea-sized dollops. I waited until everyone had toothpaste on their plate and then I said, “Dang! I forgot. That’s not this exercise, it’s the next exercise. Okay…. We don’t want the toothpaste to go to waste, so let’s put it back in the tubes for now.”


They looked at me as if I had suddenly sprouted two extra heads. I said “What? You can’t do that? Well, of course you can’t. Once the toothpaste is out of its tube, it’s out. Your words are the much same way— once they leave your mouth… (The new section was a section on mouth management, of course…)


It is important to understand that our words are like toothpaste. Anything and everything we utter is permanently attached to us because it came out of our mouths. We’ve all seen lawyer shows on TV where the attorney asks a question, the other lawyer objects, and the original lawyer says “withdrawn.” She or he knows the damage has been done, and even if the jury is told to disregard something, that’s incredibly hard to do. How many times have you heard someone say something in anger, then apologize profusely and say “I didn’t mean it”? The hurt feelings don’t go away—they linger, even when forgiveness is offered.


This is why High Road communication is so crucial.

High Road Challenge for the Day:

As Dr. Stephen Covey recommends in his Seven Habits of Highly Effective People (habit #1), be proactive about what comes out of your mouth.

Before you speak, ask yourself:

• Is what I’m about to say true?

• Is it kind?

• Is it necessary?

• Would I want this statement attached to my name permanently?


and temper your words accordingly.

Is My Office-Mate an Alien?

                                                  
“It’s like my office-mate is a Martian or something,” was the lament of the gal in the third row. “We just never seem to be speaking the same language.”



Chances are, her office-mate is not an extra-terrestrial. They just aren’t synchronized in their communication.


I’ve expressed before that our goal as High Road communicators is to allow all people to feel comfortable and respected in our presence, while standing our own ground and getting our message across. With that goal in mind, then our job is to meet who we are communicating with at his or her comfort zone, not assume they are going to meet us at ours – or even meet us half way.  Adapting in this way allows us to offer information in a manner that is easy for the recipient to absorb and act upon, keeping us in sync more often.


Flexing ourselves to someone else’s communication comfort zone is a skill that can be developed and honed. I encourage you (just as I encouraged that gal in the third row) to begin by focusing on the following questions:


• Is this person a morning person or an afternoon person? Try to have the most important and meaningful conversations during their peak periods, when they are firing on all mental cylinders.


• Is this person naturally fast paced or more methodical? Mirror their pace in your communication. If they are naturally face paced, speed up, cut to the chase, summarize first. If they are naturally more methodical than you are, slow it down so they can absorb and process what you are saying at their own speed.


• Is this person relationship oriented or results oriented? You will want to focus on either the personal aspects of the subject or merely the facts depending on which way they naturally lean.


• What generation does this person fall into? For the first time in American history there are four generations in the workforce, and each generation has different emotional drivers. Do your research and adapt your communication to fill the generation-related motivational needs of the recipient.


• Does this person have masculine or feminine communication tendencies? Those with masculine communication characteristics tend to “report” – to give or get information. They talk about facts. Those with feminine characteristics communicate to build rapport and strengthen relationships. They talk about feelings. Flex yourself to their gender style when necessary.


• Is this person under undue pressure or on deadline? Be respectful of their work load and deadlines, as you would want them to be of yours.


This communication flexing may seem cumbersome at first, but the beneficial results make it well worth the effort. With practice it becomes easier and you will find yourself adapting automatically without thinking about it.

Do You Demand Respect or Earn it?

       
During a series of presentations I did this past week, I became engaged in two discussions on separate sides of the same issue.  On the first day I was presenting to general staff members and on the second to the organization’s leadership team.  The point that came up in both conversations was that of someone demanding respect, rather than earning it.  On the first day I had several staff members who felt they could not respect their manager for various and sundry reasons.   On the second, I had a manager (yes, the same manager) who felt their staff was not respectful to them as a supervisor.

I have often encountered persons in management who assume that respect should come automatically as a result of their position.  This is a short-sighted leadership vision.  Positional respect is shallow and temporary.  Meaningful respect does not come by virtue of the position one holds.  True, significant respect must be earned.

I admonished the staff members on the first day to treat their manager with respect, regardless of whether they feel any actual respect for the person.  Furthermore I encouraged them to re-open their minds and acknowledge what their manager is doing well.  I suggested they give their manager the opportunity to earn their respect from here forward.

Here is the essence of the recommendations I made to the manager as to how they could begin earning the respect of their staff:

•    Pillars of Serenity – most specifically the respect pillar.  In order to be respected, we must first treat others with respect – regardless of whether we like what they think, say or do.  Lead by example on this and model the respectful behavior you wish they would exhibit.

•    Maintain integrity – Do what is right every time, because it’s right – whether anyone is looking or not.  There is no fudging on this.

•    Educate yourself daily – Once we stop learning we start dying.  You don’t have to know everything.  You do have to stay on top of trends, legalities and changes in your organization and industry.

•    Delegate to capable others – Allow your staff to take on responsibilities that give them opportunity for growth.  Once you have delegated, give them the space and authority to carry out those tasks.  Do not micro-manage.

•    Allow them to shine – Be willing to step aside and let your staff shine.  Sometimes it’s a leader’s job to stand in the shadows and allow the spotlight to focus on their team.

•    Be supportive, not competitive – Offer support, mentoring and encouragement to others.  You’re in the position you hold because someone supported and mentored you.  Give back to others in kind.  Their success does not discount you or your success in any way.


These are initial steps that can be taken to begin earning respect from your team.  I’m interested in hearing from others.  What do you find important factors in earning respect?

Releasing Perfectionism

“Lauren, I was in the audience at your presentation last week. You said something that caused me to write a note in the margin of my notebook: ‘release perfectionism.’ This is something that I really struggle with and I know my perfectionism paralyzes me sometimes. You seem to have managed your perfectionism. Can you tell me how you do it?”    Sandra O.



Sandra,

This is such a timely question for me! I was discussing this subject with one of my mentors just this week.


I have certainly struggled (and still struggle) the paralysis that often accompanies perfectionism. I’ve felt conflicted by competing influences – one that says “It doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to be done,” – another that says “If it’s not done right, why are you doing it at all?” (Sometimes those influences are external - sometimes they are internal.) “Managing” our perfectionism is an on-going process for those of us plagued with the perfection virus.


So let’s start with a baseline premise. I would venture to say that as a perfectionist, your perception of “acceptable” or “adequate” is often what others would consider “well done.” (I understand that we of this ilk would often rather be dead than “adequate,” but follow me on this…) So if your “adequate” matches others’ “well done,” nine times out of ten, by your very nature, you are inherently producing a quality result.


Here are other factors that help me on an on-going basis:


• Pillars of Serenity – In Road Signs on the High Road of Life, I introduced the concept of the two Pillars of Serenity that keep us grounded and peaceful in our daily walk, one being your own self-esteem, the other being respect to all people. The pillar most relevant for this discussion is self-esteem. We perfectionists tend to place our value in the quality of, or others’ perception of, the quality of our work. It’s crucial to remember that your value is inherent in the fact that you exist. It’s not in any way related to the work you do.

• Settle for excellence – Even though we strive for perfection, we understand that achieving it is impossible. Therefore, it’s important to settle for and accept excellence as an alternative.

• Internal dialog – I have found that we perfectionists are some of the only people capable of stealing our own joy. Regardless of how amazing our performance might have been, we always tell ourselves, “I could have done it better.” Instead, it’s important to shift that mental dialog to something like “I did an excellent job.”

• Growth framework – You could have always “done it better” – because in truth no one is perfect. Yet, with every effort you are getting better. Perfectionists rarely, if ever, make the same mistake twice, so with every effort you are growing and improving. As long as you are growing and improving, then with every effort you are on target for that perfection you desire. Allowing yourself to be on target for perfection gives you a mental framework wherein you can always feel good about yourself. Make sure you allow yourself that mental framework.


These are some of the things I focus on to assist me in working through my perfectionism. I’m interested to hear from others. What factors help you in overcoming perfectionism paralysis?