Pick Your Battles

Got prejudice?

        

“We are each burdened with prejudice; against the poor or the rich, the smart or the slow, the gaunt or the obese.  It is natural to develop prejudices.  It is noble to rise above them.”  ~Author Unknown


Having settled in for a week with the kids home from college, I had the opportunity last night to enjoy a meal around the table with my whole family. (It’s a very rare treat lately.)  The conversation that grows out of our dinners is always intriguing and refreshing.  Last night’s discourse centered on a perceived prejudice that has arisen with one of my daughter’s friends.  This created a lively discussion about what exactly is prejudice, as compared to cultural norms and practices.

Dictionary.com defines prejudice as: “unreasonable feelings, opinions, or attitudes, esp. of a hostile nature, regarding a racial, religious, or national group.” 

I would go beyond that dictionary characterization.  My definition of prejudice (just mine) is any negative feeling toward anyone who looks, thinks, believes, behaves, speaks, dresses, smells, moves or functions differently than I do – any negative feeling toward anyone who is different because they are different. 

As I have mentioned here before and discuss in Road Signs, our goal as High Road communicators is to allow all people to feel comfortable and respected in our presence, while standing our own ground and getting our message across.  In my experience, prejudice is insidious. The negative feelings I used  for my definition of prejudice often originate from understandable circumstances, but slowly take root and grow out of control until the original reasoning is lost. At that point, it becomes each individual’s choice to continue to grant  those feelings control, or to instead choose the high road in order to allow feelings of mutual respect and comfort, which in turn brings about all the benefits of High Road communication.

Here are four steps that will help you choose to travel on the right road.

1.    Investigate your differences – Dr. Stephen Covey, who wrote the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, encourages us to seek first to understand, then to be understood.  That means our job as High Road communicators (the natural extension of our goal) is to meet who we are communicating with at his or her comfort zone – not assume they will meet us at ours.  It is our responsibility to investigate, accept and internalize the differences between us.

2.   Change your perspective – Hopefully investigating your differences will allow you to step into the other person’s shoes and see things from a different paradigm.  Doing so can allow you to empathize with them.  Empathy is a very strong antidote for prejudice.

3.    Modify your reaction – There is a profound difference between reaction and response.  Reaction is emotional, visceral, knee-jerk.  Response requires thought.  When in the presence of someone against whom we have a prejudice (for whatever reason) there is usually a conditioned, physiological reaction.  Hopefully working through these first two steps will allow you to change that conditioned reaction.

4.    Discipline your response – If doing these steps hasn't allowed you to change your reaction and see the person on a more equal ground, I encourage you to discipline your response. Verify that each of your proposed actions and/or words would be equal to situations where no prejudice is involved.


High Road Challenge for the Day – When your gut instinct tells you to perceive someone negatively because they are different in any way, stop.  Work through these steps.  The key to High Road communicating is not to be completely without prejudice.  The key is communicating in a manner such that no one would ever know.

Is My Office-Mate an Alien?

                                                  
“It’s like my office-mate is a Martian or something,” was the lament of the gal in the third row. “We just never seem to be speaking the same language.”



Chances are, her office-mate is not an extra-terrestrial. They just aren’t synchronized in their communication.


I’ve expressed before that our goal as High Road communicators is to allow all people to feel comfortable and respected in our presence, while standing our own ground and getting our message across. With that goal in mind, then our job is to meet who we are communicating with at his or her comfort zone, not assume they are going to meet us at ours – or even meet us half way.  Adapting in this way allows us to offer information in a manner that is easy for the recipient to absorb and act upon, keeping us in sync more often.


Flexing ourselves to someone else’s communication comfort zone is a skill that can be developed and honed. I encourage you (just as I encouraged that gal in the third row) to begin by focusing on the following questions:


• Is this person a morning person or an afternoon person? Try to have the most important and meaningful conversations during their peak periods, when they are firing on all mental cylinders.


• Is this person naturally fast paced or more methodical? Mirror their pace in your communication. If they are naturally face paced, speed up, cut to the chase, summarize first. If they are naturally more methodical than you are, slow it down so they can absorb and process what you are saying at their own speed.


• Is this person relationship oriented or results oriented? You will want to focus on either the personal aspects of the subject or merely the facts depending on which way they naturally lean.


• What generation does this person fall into? For the first time in American history there are four generations in the workforce, and each generation has different emotional drivers. Do your research and adapt your communication to fill the generation-related motivational needs of the recipient.


• Does this person have masculine or feminine communication tendencies? Those with masculine communication characteristics tend to “report” – to give or get information. They talk about facts. Those with feminine characteristics communicate to build rapport and strengthen relationships. They talk about feelings. Flex yourself to their gender style when necessary.


• Is this person under undue pressure or on deadline? Be respectful of their work load and deadlines, as you would want them to be of yours.


This communication flexing may seem cumbersome at first, but the beneficial results make it well worth the effort. With practice it becomes easier and you will find yourself adapting automatically without thinking about it.

Do You Demand Respect or Earn it?

       
During a series of presentations I did this past week, I became engaged in two discussions on separate sides of the same issue.  On the first day I was presenting to general staff members and on the second to the organization’s leadership team.  The point that came up in both conversations was that of someone demanding respect, rather than earning it.  On the first day I had several staff members who felt they could not respect their manager for various and sundry reasons.   On the second, I had a manager (yes, the same manager) who felt their staff was not respectful to them as a supervisor.

I have often encountered persons in management who assume that respect should come automatically as a result of their position.  This is a short-sighted leadership vision.  Positional respect is shallow and temporary.  Meaningful respect does not come by virtue of the position one holds.  True, significant respect must be earned.

I admonished the staff members on the first day to treat their manager with respect, regardless of whether they feel any actual respect for the person.  Furthermore I encouraged them to re-open their minds and acknowledge what their manager is doing well.  I suggested they give their manager the opportunity to earn their respect from here forward.

Here is the essence of the recommendations I made to the manager as to how they could begin earning the respect of their staff:

•    Pillars of Serenity – most specifically the respect pillar.  In order to be respected, we must first treat others with respect – regardless of whether we like what they think, say or do.  Lead by example on this and model the respectful behavior you wish they would exhibit.

•    Maintain integrity – Do what is right every time, because it’s right – whether anyone is looking or not.  There is no fudging on this.

•    Educate yourself daily – Once we stop learning we start dying.  You don’t have to know everything.  You do have to stay on top of trends, legalities and changes in your organization and industry.

•    Delegate to capable others – Allow your staff to take on responsibilities that give them opportunity for growth.  Once you have delegated, give them the space and authority to carry out those tasks.  Do not micro-manage.

•    Allow them to shine – Be willing to step aside and let your staff shine.  Sometimes it’s a leader’s job to stand in the shadows and allow the spotlight to focus on their team.

•    Be supportive, not competitive – Offer support, mentoring and encouragement to others.  You’re in the position you hold because someone supported and mentored you.  Give back to others in kind.  Their success does not discount you or your success in any way.


These are initial steps that can be taken to begin earning respect from your team.  I’m interested in hearing from others.  What do you find important factors in earning respect?

Take This Job and Shove It!

 

Take this job and shove it!  This is the sentiment expressed through the actions (if not the exact words, which I will not repeat) of JetBlue Flight Attendant Steven Slater this past week.  Since his dramatic, and much publicized departure from the airplane via the emergency chute, beers in hand, Slater has become a bit of a folk-hero for anyone profoundly frustrated with their job.

When thinking about writing on this subject initially, I was actually quite conflicted.  Slater’s actions were unprofessional and broke several JetBlue policies as well as FAA regulations.  That is nothing to condone, even if one can empathize with his feelings.  On the other hand, I wondered about the passenger that allegedly sparked his tirade.  Standing up and attempting to retrieve your luggage while on an active taxiway is also breaking FAA regulations.  I wondered what, if anything, is being done to prosecute her?  In researching this incident, I could not find any solid reporting on the passenger in question. Indeed there are many differing accounts of what actually happened before and after the flight.  As someone who flies for business a great deal, I certainly have seen my share of rude, self-centric passengers – as well as fatigued, snippy flight attendants.  Luckily, in my experience, both are the exception, not the norm.

This, if nothing else, is clear about this incident: neither the allegedly offending passenger nor Steven Slater was in emotional control that day.  If you are not in emotional control you are completely ineffective.  While it is very probable that the passenger’s behavior was inappropriate and perhaps abusive, she was not on-duty and representing a company (JetBlue), an industry and the FAA.  Slater was representing all of those entities at the time.  In as much, he should have taken steps to regain his emotional control before taking any action at all.  His actions will probably cost him any future in aviation as well as federal prosecution. Taking a step back to think and regain his perspective could have prevented the hardship that is inevitably in his future – public sympathy not withstanding.

High Road Challenge for the Day:  When you are brought to the brink of your emotional control and you feel like you just want to “take this job (this relationship, this co-worker, this committee) and shove it,” take a step back.  Try some of these techniques instead:

•    Breathe – When we are in stressful situations, we often forget to breathe.  This creates an oxygen deprivation in the brain.  Adrenalin kicks in at that point to compensate for that deprivation.  The combination of oxygen deprivation and adrenalin triggers animal instinct, which manifests itself in the “fight or flight” syndrome.  The best way to counteract “fight or flight” is to short-circuit the adrenalin.  The quickest means to that end is to get oxygen to the brain.  Breathing is the most under-appreciated and under-utilized stress reduction technique.  Furthermore, it’s available to every human being for free!

•    Take a break – If you find yourself hanging on to your emotional control by your very last thread, walk away from the situation.  Have an exit line that works for you and remove yourself from the situation before you fall off of that emotional cliff.  You might say something like, “I find that I am not objective in this situation.  I need a moment to pull myself together.  Let’s revisit this in ten minutes.”

•    Count 10 blessings – Most people have heard the tried and true recommendation of counting to 10.  I recommend you count 10 blessings.  I challenge you to count 10 blessings in your life and still be emotionally aggravated.  I find it works like a charm.

•    Affirmation for the moment – Have an affirmation that works for you memorized and ready to kick in when things become tense.  Something that will be playing in the back of your head, speaking to your subconscious, that keeps you in emotional control.  It might be something like, “I am always calm and confident in stressful situations.”  It might be, “Nothing this person says or does can push my buttons.”  Write something that works for you.  Make sure it is posed in the positive, it is present tense and spoken as if the goal is achieved.  Then memorize it so you can retrieve it and play it like a looping tape in the back of your mind to keep yourself in emotional control.

Tell me, what other tactics have you found that work for you in maintaining your emotional control?

A Rush to Judgement

 .

I was guilty.  There is no getting around it - I was guilty this week of a rush to judgment, as was most of the nation, the NAACP, the USDA and the White House. 

Early in the week a video snippet was posted by conservative blogger Andrew Breitbart.  He intended to highlight racism within the NAACP.  This video supposedly showed a USDA official, Shirley Sherrod (a black woman, addressing a gathering of the NAACP at the time of her remarks) admitting to racism in her decisions and dealings with a white farmer.  The outcry was loud and lightning quick.  The NAACP issued a statement condemning Sherrod.  The USDA accepted her (forced) resignation.  The story was carried on all of the major cable and broadcast news networks, print and radio. President Obama issued a statement condemning the sentiment.  I, along with the many others who expressed shock and outrage, was alarmed that such a statement could be made by anyone, much less a government official, in a public forum that was obviously being videotaped.

No one took the time to actually speak to Shirley Sherrod or ask her for an explanation of her comments – until later.

In subsequent interviews on CNN, Shirley Sherrod expressed frustration and bewilderment because the point she had actually been making in the address was that she had overcome this initial, gut reaction to the white farmer and had helped him save his farm.  She went above and beyond the call of duty in the effort because no one else was there and willing to help. She utilized the story to encourage harmony and working together, regardless of race.

News agencies took the time, at that point, to do some research and listen to Ms. Sherrod’s entire address in context.  As it turns out, this is the message she expressed in the speech she gave to the NAACP that day.  The farmer referred to in the piece made a public statement supporting Sherrod and referring to her as a dear friend.  Suddenly the tables had been turned on everyone.  NAACP President Benjamin Jealous issued an apology to Sherrod, saying his organization had been “snookered” by the group editing the video.  The President apologized and the USDA backpedaled by offering Sherrod a new position within the agency. 

Shirley Sherrod has yet to decide if she will accept the new position offered her.  She seems to be the only one in this situation who takes time to think things through.

There has also been a quick backlash against Breitbart  for the seemingly manipulative edit done on the video in the first place.  Breitbart has expressed this was not about Sherrod.  It was intended to highlight (in his opinion) racism within the NAACP by showing the supportive response Sherrod received to her initial thoughts toward this white farmer.  I think I have learned a very valuable lesson in all of this and will withhold a judgment on Breitbart's motives until I have more information.

It is never wise to rush to any judgment.  As I have mentioned here before – and I express in my book – there are three sides to every story: yours, mine and the truth.  It is very important to look at a situation from all sides before making a determination about it.

High Road Challenge for the Day:  If you were caught up in this whirlwind of controversy, you can see just how easy it is to make snap decisions. Take a few minutes to think back over the past couple of weeks to a time when you made a similar rush to judgment. Was it with a family member? A store clerk? A driver who wasn’t meeting your standards for highway etiquette? Remember the importance of considering their side of the story before drawing a conclusion. And if there’s a situation in which it’s both appropriate and possible to make amends, I gently encourage you to take the high road and do so. 

You're not listening to me...

.
“You’re not listening to me!”  The conflict between two colleagues was beginning to escalate.  I heard the exchange described to me in one of my sessions.  “He always says that. ‘You’re not listening.’  It makes me crazy,” the participant groaned.

Because my approach to communication is a bit different than most, my recommendation to this attendee was not what he expected.  I believe that our goal, as communicators, is three-fold: first, to allow all people to feel comfortable and respected in our presence, while second, standing our own ground and third, getting our message across.  Most communication training comes from the opposite direction and specifies the most important factor in communication to be getting our point across – to be clear.  I believe someone can clearly communicate their message and still leave “dead bodies” behind them as they do business, which is not optimum.  That is why I approach it from the High Road perspective and place our primary objective on allowing all people to feel comfortable and respected in our presence, while we are standing our own ground and getting our message across.

Approaching the situation from this paradigm, my response to the participant was this: “If he is consistently saying that to you, he’s right.  Because what he is really saying is, ‘I believe you are not listening to me,’ which means as a communicator, you have missed the primary objective.”

If someone says to you, “You’re not listening to me.” I recommend you discipline yourself away from the potential knee-jerk response that will most likely come out of your mouth: “Yes I am!”  Instantaneously this puts you on the defensive and in an adversarial position.  Instead, I encourage you to follow a High Road, three-step process to clarification.

1.    Step one: Offer an empathy statement.  It might be something like, “I’m sorry that you might feel that way.”  Acknowledge and empathize with how the other person is feeling.

2.    Step two has two possible directions:

a.    If you were actually listening to them, then paraphrase back what you just heard.  You might say something like, “Let me share with you what I just heard…,” or “My understanding is you meant this…”  The value of reflective paraphrasing is that it allows the other person to grasp that you really did “get” what they said.

b.    We have to acknowledge that sometimes, in certain situations, we really weren’t listening.  If that is the case, I encourage you to admit that and take responsibility for it. “You are right.  I wasn’t listening.  I apologize for that.  Please tell me again and I will listen attentively this time.”

3.    Step three: Whichever fork in the road you take at step two, step three is the same.  Ask the other person, sincerely and humbly, “What was I doing that caused you to believe I wasn’t listening to you?”  Then you can fix it for future growth.  Many people have habits, such as allowing their eyes to wander, doodling or scanning their Blackberry, that cause others to believe they aren’t listening.  This is a terrific opportunity to recognize such habits and adjust them for growth in this area.

Sometimes when someone says, “You’re not listening to me,” what they really mean is “You’re not agreeing with me.”  In such a situation, the first two steps remain the same.  The only adjustment happens in step three.  The direction step three would take at this point would be to clarify the difference between listening and agreeing. “I have heard and understand what you said.  I don’t agree with you.”  This validates the communication without having to validate the sentiment of that communication.

High Road Challenge for the Day: The next time someone says to you, “You’re not listening to me,” put this High Road, three-step process into action.  This will allow the other person to feel comfortable and respected in your presence.  That respect offered to them will then be reciprocated which will allow you to stand your own ground and get your message across.

High Road Diplomacy and Customer Service

My husband and I went out to dinner last night to celebrate our twenty-fifth Valentines Day together.  I recommended a restaurant that he had never been to.  He called to make a reservation and was advised that they don’t accept reservations and yes, they expected to be very busy.  For that reason we decided to go a bit earlier than we normally would.

When we arrived the gal at the door smiled up at us and said, “How many?” 

“Two, please.”

“Do you have a reservation?” she asked.

“No, we were told that you don’t accept reservations.”

“Well, I don’t know who would have told you that.  We’ll do our best to squeeze you in, it will probably be about 55 minutes,” she said as she handed me a pager.

55 minutes seemed reasonable on the Saturday before Valentines Day, so we sat down to “people-watch” and bide our time. About thirty minutes into our vigil, a trio of women sat down beside us and continued a heated discussion they were having about the projected wait time.  They had apparently arrived a half an hour before we had and their wait time kept growing each time they checked with the desk.  Hmmm, this didn’t bode well for our seating.  Shortly there after, one of the three had some extremely testy words with the manager and they were seated fairly quickly.

An hour and 15 minutes into our adventure, Ron got up to check with the desk.  She advised him that it would be another 15 to 20 minutes, but we were welcome to sit in the bar if we could find a seat there.  20 more minutes passed and I approached the desk to check one more time.

“Can you give me a realistic estimate of when a table will be available for Lauren-party-of-two?”

“Oh, it shouldn’t be much longer,” she smiled, “about another 15 – 20 minutes.”

It might have been the grimace on my face… I’m not sure… but the manager stepped in at that point.  “Hi, my name is Steve.  I’m the General Manager.  How can I help?”  I shared our dilemma with him.  “Ah, the challenge is fitting the walk-ins in with the reservations.  We guarantee seating within 10 minutes of a reservation time.”

“Here is my concern,” I said.  “When we called to make a reservation we were advised that you did not take reservations.  I have also heard several people discussing calling ahead to get their name on the list.  This possibility was not offered to us either when we called.”

“I am so sorry for this inconvenience,” he said.  “I can see why you might be frustrated.  Let me clarify our policies for you.  We do indeed accept reservations, and we normally accept same day reservations.  Today we had to cut off the reservations because there were so many.  I am sure that is what she meant when she said that we don’t take reservations.  We also do recommend calling ahead to get your name on our waiting list.”

“Ah,” I replied. “I believe there was just a fundamental break-down in communication.  Had it been explained to us in that manner when we called, we would have understood – and we probably would have made a different choice, at least for this very busy evening.”  Then I added, “I have eaten here for lunch several times and enjoyed it greatly.  That is why I recommended it to my husband who has never been here.”

Steve nodded, “I understand.”  He walked over to introduce himself to my husband and said, “Let me see what I can do to get you a table.”  We were seated within 2 minutes.  We had a wonderful dinner and Steve arranged for complimentary dessert.

I believe the whole encounter is an excellent lesson in High Road diplomacy and customer service.  My husband truly hates being a “squeaky wheel,” such as the grousing trio that had been sitting next to us – although it did get them a table immediately.  I chose a High Road solution and explained the reason for our concern and confusion.  I followed that with a “what’s in it for Steve” moment when I explained that I had recommended the restaurant to my husband.  The unspoken message was simply, “Is this the first impression you want him to have?”  I find High Road strategies to always be most effective.  (I would bet that the grumpy trio did not get a free dessert out of it.)  Furthermore, Steve’s customer service at that point was impeccable.  He saw a problem brewing and tackled it immediately.  He made us feel valued and respected, fixed the problem and then went the extra mile to leave a positive impression.  That is a model for exceptional, High Road customer service.

So here is a High Road shout-out to Steve Kyriazis and the Elephant Bar Restaurant in Overland Park, KS.  The food is excellent.  When you decide to go on a busy night... make sure you have reservations!