Releasing Perfectionism

“Lauren, I was in the audience at your presentation last week. You said something that caused me to write a note in the margin of my notebook: ‘release perfectionism.’ This is something that I really struggle with and I know my perfectionism paralyzes me sometimes. You seem to have managed your perfectionism. Can you tell me how you do it?”    Sandra O.



Sandra,

This is such a timely question for me! I was discussing this subject with one of my mentors just this week.


I have certainly struggled (and still struggle) the paralysis that often accompanies perfectionism. I’ve felt conflicted by competing influences – one that says “It doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to be done,” – another that says “If it’s not done right, why are you doing it at all?” (Sometimes those influences are external - sometimes they are internal.) “Managing” our perfectionism is an on-going process for those of us plagued with the perfection virus.


So let’s start with a baseline premise. I would venture to say that as a perfectionist, your perception of “acceptable” or “adequate” is often what others would consider “well done.” (I understand that we of this ilk would often rather be dead than “adequate,” but follow me on this…) So if your “adequate” matches others’ “well done,” nine times out of ten, by your very nature, you are inherently producing a quality result.


Here are other factors that help me on an on-going basis:


• Pillars of Serenity – In Road Signs on the High Road of Life, I introduced the concept of the two Pillars of Serenity that keep us grounded and peaceful in our daily walk, one being your own self-esteem, the other being respect to all people. The pillar most relevant for this discussion is self-esteem. We perfectionists tend to place our value in the quality of, or others’ perception of, the quality of our work. It’s crucial to remember that your value is inherent in the fact that you exist. It’s not in any way related to the work you do.

• Settle for excellence – Even though we strive for perfection, we understand that achieving it is impossible. Therefore, it’s important to settle for and accept excellence as an alternative.

• Internal dialog – I have found that we perfectionists are some of the only people capable of stealing our own joy. Regardless of how amazing our performance might have been, we always tell ourselves, “I could have done it better.” Instead, it’s important to shift that mental dialog to something like “I did an excellent job.”

• Growth framework – You could have always “done it better” – because in truth no one is perfect. Yet, with every effort you are getting better. Perfectionists rarely, if ever, make the same mistake twice, so with every effort you are growing and improving. As long as you are growing and improving, then with every effort you are on target for that perfection you desire. Allowing yourself to be on target for perfection gives you a mental framework wherein you can always feel good about yourself. Make sure you allow yourself that mental framework.


These are some of the things I focus on to assist me in working through my perfectionism. I’m interested to hear from others. What factors help you in overcoming perfectionism paralysis?

Take This Job and Shove It!

 

Take this job and shove it!  This is the sentiment expressed through the actions (if not the exact words, which I will not repeat) of JetBlue Flight Attendant Steven Slater this past week.  Since his dramatic, and much publicized departure from the airplane via the emergency chute, beers in hand, Slater has become a bit of a folk-hero for anyone profoundly frustrated with their job.

When thinking about writing on this subject initially, I was actually quite conflicted.  Slater’s actions were unprofessional and broke several JetBlue policies as well as FAA regulations.  That is nothing to condone, even if one can empathize with his feelings.  On the other hand, I wondered about the passenger that allegedly sparked his tirade.  Standing up and attempting to retrieve your luggage while on an active taxiway is also breaking FAA regulations.  I wondered what, if anything, is being done to prosecute her?  In researching this incident, I could not find any solid reporting on the passenger in question. Indeed there are many differing accounts of what actually happened before and after the flight.  As someone who flies for business a great deal, I certainly have seen my share of rude, self-centric passengers – as well as fatigued, snippy flight attendants.  Luckily, in my experience, both are the exception, not the norm.

This, if nothing else, is clear about this incident: neither the allegedly offending passenger nor Steven Slater was in emotional control that day.  If you are not in emotional control you are completely ineffective.  While it is very probable that the passenger’s behavior was inappropriate and perhaps abusive, she was not on-duty and representing a company (JetBlue), an industry and the FAA.  Slater was representing all of those entities at the time.  In as much, he should have taken steps to regain his emotional control before taking any action at all.  His actions will probably cost him any future in aviation as well as federal prosecution. Taking a step back to think and regain his perspective could have prevented the hardship that is inevitably in his future – public sympathy not withstanding.

High Road Challenge for the Day:  When you are brought to the brink of your emotional control and you feel like you just want to “take this job (this relationship, this co-worker, this committee) and shove it,” take a step back.  Try some of these techniques instead:

•    Breathe – When we are in stressful situations, we often forget to breathe.  This creates an oxygen deprivation in the brain.  Adrenalin kicks in at that point to compensate for that deprivation.  The combination of oxygen deprivation and adrenalin triggers animal instinct, which manifests itself in the “fight or flight” syndrome.  The best way to counteract “fight or flight” is to short-circuit the adrenalin.  The quickest means to that end is to get oxygen to the brain.  Breathing is the most under-appreciated and under-utilized stress reduction technique.  Furthermore, it’s available to every human being for free!

•    Take a break – If you find yourself hanging on to your emotional control by your very last thread, walk away from the situation.  Have an exit line that works for you and remove yourself from the situation before you fall off of that emotional cliff.  You might say something like, “I find that I am not objective in this situation.  I need a moment to pull myself together.  Let’s revisit this in ten minutes.”

•    Count 10 blessings – Most people have heard the tried and true recommendation of counting to 10.  I recommend you count 10 blessings.  I challenge you to count 10 blessings in your life and still be emotionally aggravated.  I find it works like a charm.

•    Affirmation for the moment – Have an affirmation that works for you memorized and ready to kick in when things become tense.  Something that will be playing in the back of your head, speaking to your subconscious, that keeps you in emotional control.  It might be something like, “I am always calm and confident in stressful situations.”  It might be, “Nothing this person says or does can push my buttons.”  Write something that works for you.  Make sure it is posed in the positive, it is present tense and spoken as if the goal is achieved.  Then memorize it so you can retrieve it and play it like a looping tape in the back of your mind to keep yourself in emotional control.

Tell me, what other tactics have you found that work for you in maintaining your emotional control?