Posts
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“You’re not listening to me!” The conflict between two colleagues was beginning to escalate. I heard the exchange described to me in one of my sessions. “He always says that. ‘You’re not listening.’ It makes me crazy,” the participant groaned.
Because my approach to communication is a bit different than most, my recommendation to this attendee was not what he expected. I believe that our goal, as communicators, is three-fold: first, to allow all people to feel comfortable and respected in our presence, while second, standing our own ground and third, getting our message across. Most communication training comes from the opposite direction and specifies the most important factor in communication to be getting our point across – to be clear. I believe someone can clearly communicate their message and still leave “dead bodies” behind them as they do business, which is not optimum. That is why I approach it from the High Road perspective and place our primary objective on allowing all people to feel comfortable and respected in our presence, while we are standing our own ground and getting our message across.
Approaching the situation from this paradigm, my response to the participant was this: “If he is consistently saying that to you, he’s right. Because what he is really saying is, ‘I believe you are not listening to me,’ which means as a communicator, you have missed the primary objective.”
If someone says to you, “You’re not listening to me.” I recommend you discipline yourself away from the potential knee-jerk response that will most likely come out of your mouth: “Yes I am!” Instantaneously this puts you on the defensive and in an adversarial position. Instead, I encourage you to follow a High Road, three-step process to clarification.
1. Step one: Offer an empathy statement. It might be something like, “I’m sorry that you might feel that way.” Acknowledge and empathize with how the other person is feeling.
2. Step two has two possible directions:
a. If you were actually listening to them, then paraphrase back what you just heard. You might say something like, “Let me share with you what I just heard…,” or “My understanding is you meant this…” The value of reflective paraphrasing is that it allows the other person to grasp that you really did “get” what they said.
b. We have to acknowledge that sometimes, in certain situations, we really weren’t listening. If that is the case, I encourage you to admit that and take responsibility for it. “You are right. I wasn’t listening. I apologize for that. Please tell me again and I will listen attentively this time.”
3. Step three: Whichever fork in the road you take at step two, step three is the same. Ask the other person, sincerely and humbly, “What was I doing that caused you to believe I wasn’t listening to you?” Then you can fix it for future growth. Many people have habits, such as allowing their eyes to wander, doodling or scanning their Blackberry, that cause others to believe they aren’t listening. This is a terrific opportunity to recognize such habits and adjust them for growth in this area.
Sometimes when someone says, “You’re not listening to me,” what they really mean is “You’re not agreeing with me.” In such a situation, the first two steps remain the same. The only adjustment happens in step three. The direction step three would take at this point would be to clarify the difference between listening and agreeing. “I have heard and understand what you said. I don’t agree with you.” This validates the communication without having to validate the sentiment of that communication.
High Road Challenge for the Day: The next time someone says to you, “You’re not listening to me,” put this High Road, three-step process into action. This will allow the other person to feel comfortable and respected in your presence. That respect offered to them will then be reciprocated which will allow you to stand your own ground and get your message across.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Difficult Behaviors - Not Difficult People
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“She’s just so DIFFICULT!” The participant in my session was beside herself when describing a colleague.
I was teaching a session on High Road Conflict Management. During this session I often hear stories of how “difficult” someone’s co-worker is. In such a situation, it is not my place to make a judgment about who is “right” or “wrong” in a particular – it’s my job to encourage people to stretch their thinking a bit and view the conflict from a different paradigm.
I am a firm believer that there are no difficult people – only difficult behaviors. If you can’t separate a person from their behavior, you cripple your ability to treat them with respect. I believe it is critical to treat all people with respect whether or not you like what they think, say or do. Separating the person from their behavior allows you to address the issue without attacking the person. (Allow me to clarify – there is a profound difference between respecting someone and treating them with respect. I certainly have met people in my life who in no way whatsoever can I bring myself to respect. That doesn’t mean I don’t choose to treat them respectfully. Separating the person from the behavior is what makes this possible.)
In order to be on the High Road and treat people with respect regardless of their behavior, one must first understand a basic underlying motivation: people who regularly exhibit difficult behaviors do so because it gets them what they want. Every human being on earth, myself included, has learned by the age of two that bad behavior gets attention.
We all threw temper tantrums. Most people grow out of them. A rare few grow into them. Then, as adults, those people realize that their bad behavior not only gets them attention, but makes someone else look and feel bad at the same time. More often than not, the result is that they get what they want.
None of us have the power to change another person. You can, however, change another person’s behavior. You can change a difficult behavior by changing the results they receive for that behavior. In order to change the results they receive, you need to plan ahead so you can respond to the behavior rather than react to it.
• First, identify the specific behavior you find difficult to handle. Do not focus on personality characteristics, such as “he’s so negative,” or “she doesn’t listen to anyone.” Separate the person from the issue and identify the aggravating deed or habit. (“He always cuts me off before I’m finished,” or “She always makes a catty remark when people walk away.”)
• Once you’ve accomplished that, you can determine what behavior you wish the person would exhibit instead of the one you find difficult to handle. Start broadly if you must. (Trust me, in my travels I have heard just about everything: I wish this person would: eat worms and die, fall off a cliff, spontaneously combust, quit, take early retirement, just go away, just shut up…..) Work through the extremes to release any venom that might have built up inside you, then narrow your choices down to one specific behavior you wish this person would adopt.
• With these two steps accomplished you can set a plan to guide the person toward the alternative habits by adjusting the way you respond to their current behavior and therefore changing the results they receive for the behavior.
High Road Challenge for the Day: Identify one specific person who seems to get under your skin more than others, then get a handle on the behavior that gets to you. Follow the steps I’ve outlined above to create a “battle plan” for your next interaction with him or her. And remember— this isn’t magic. It will take time, effort, and most of all, consistency to help bring about the change you desire.
“She’s just so DIFFICULT!” The participant in my session was beside herself when describing a colleague.
I was teaching a session on High Road Conflict Management. During this session I often hear stories of how “difficult” someone’s co-worker is. In such a situation, it is not my place to make a judgment about who is “right” or “wrong” in a particular – it’s my job to encourage people to stretch their thinking a bit and view the conflict from a different paradigm.
I am a firm believer that there are no difficult people – only difficult behaviors. If you can’t separate a person from their behavior, you cripple your ability to treat them with respect. I believe it is critical to treat all people with respect whether or not you like what they think, say or do. Separating the person from their behavior allows you to address the issue without attacking the person. (Allow me to clarify – there is a profound difference between respecting someone and treating them with respect. I certainly have met people in my life who in no way whatsoever can I bring myself to respect. That doesn’t mean I don’t choose to treat them respectfully. Separating the person from the behavior is what makes this possible.)
In order to be on the High Road and treat people with respect regardless of their behavior, one must first understand a basic underlying motivation: people who regularly exhibit difficult behaviors do so because it gets them what they want. Every human being on earth, myself included, has learned by the age of two that bad behavior gets attention.
We all threw temper tantrums. Most people grow out of them. A rare few grow into them. Then, as adults, those people realize that their bad behavior not only gets them attention, but makes someone else look and feel bad at the same time. More often than not, the result is that they get what they want.
None of us have the power to change another person. You can, however, change another person’s behavior. You can change a difficult behavior by changing the results they receive for that behavior. In order to change the results they receive, you need to plan ahead so you can respond to the behavior rather than react to it.
• First, identify the specific behavior you find difficult to handle. Do not focus on personality characteristics, such as “he’s so negative,” or “she doesn’t listen to anyone.” Separate the person from the issue and identify the aggravating deed or habit. (“He always cuts me off before I’m finished,” or “She always makes a catty remark when people walk away.”)
• Once you’ve accomplished that, you can determine what behavior you wish the person would exhibit instead of the one you find difficult to handle. Start broadly if you must. (Trust me, in my travels I have heard just about everything: I wish this person would: eat worms and die, fall off a cliff, spontaneously combust, quit, take early retirement, just go away, just shut up…..) Work through the extremes to release any venom that might have built up inside you, then narrow your choices down to one specific behavior you wish this person would adopt.
• With these two steps accomplished you can set a plan to guide the person toward the alternative habits by adjusting the way you respond to their current behavior and therefore changing the results they receive for the behavior.
High Road Challenge for the Day: Identify one specific person who seems to get under your skin more than others, then get a handle on the behavior that gets to you. Follow the steps I’ve outlined above to create a “battle plan” for your next interaction with him or her. And remember— this isn’t magic. It will take time, effort, and most of all, consistency to help bring about the change you desire.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Priming the Pump in the Twilight Zone
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While I was traveling home from a training swing this past week my flight was delayed out of Salt Lake City, causing me to miss my United Airlines connection in Denver. There were no other flights out that night so I was forced to lay-over until the next day. The earliest flight that had available seats to bring me home left Denver at 5:25 p.m. the next day. (Is it just me? It seems like I am always delayed and held-over at Denver Stapley airport… I am certain it is the portal to the Twilight Zone… but I digress.)
The following morning I contacted the travel department for my seminar company client to see if anything might have opened up to get me home any earlier. The travel agent was able to book me one-way on a different carrier at 2:30 p.m. That gained me three hours. I was very grateful.
I asked him why United was so heavily booked. He said, “I don’t know. It’s unusual. In fact the flight you were rebooked on is completely full now. There are no seats to be had on United out of Denver today at all.”
This got me thinking as I sat and watched people go by in the airport. United could probably use the seat I would be giving up on the 5:25 flight. I had a good 4 hours before my 2:30 flight was to board, so I headed off to find a United Customer Service counter. I stepped into line behind about 12 people and began the waiting process. Nothing happens quickly at a customer service counter and, unfortunately, everyone in line is struggling with some sort of inconvenience and therefore hovering somewhere in the grumpiness continuum. More than once I asked myself, “Why am I standing here again?” Yet I knew that I had plenty of time and nothing else I really needed to be doing, so I stayed in line. After about 35 minutes, I had inched to the front of the line.
The customer service representative, Dee, was frazzled but gracious and eager to resolve whatever issue I might have. I explained the situation to her and finished by saying, “I just wanted to let you know that I will not be on this flight at 5:25 and release the seat so you can give it to someone else.”
She worked through the whole scenario with me again several times to make sure that she was clear on how the flights had been delayed, missed and rebooked. Then she confirmed, “So you are traveling home today on a different carrier?”
“That’s right,” I said.
She seemed confused. “So what do you need from me?”
“Nothing,” I said. “I just wanted to let you know that this seat is available.”
“Do you need a refund for this leg of the trip?”
“That would be terrific. I am sure my company would appreciate that,” I replied.
“Well okay then. Let’s get that taken care of.”
She printed off the information my client would need to receive a refund for the flight I didn’t take. She gave that to me along with a second voucher. “This is a voucher for $150 off your next flight with United,” she said with a smile. “We are very sorry for your inconvenience and thank you for your courtesy today.”
Did I stand in line for 35 minutes hoping that I would receive a $150 voucher? No I didn’t. I didn’t even think to ask for compensation for my lost day. I stood in line because I know that if I were desperate to get on a fully booked flight, I would want the gate agent to know there happened to be a seat that was just released. I know that all you send into the lives of others come back into your own. It may not be immediately. It usually won't be in-kind. I stood in line to prime the pump. I was blessed to have a benefit sent back my way immediately. It doesn’t always happen so quickly, or even in a manner that is noticeable, but that doesn’t matter. Priming the pump is about the sending out, not the getting back. As it says in the old Kingston Trio folk song, Desert Pete, “you have to give of yourself before you’re worthy to receive.”
High Road Challenge for the Day: Prime the pump. Find a need and fill it. Give of yourself. Send it out without expectation of what will come back. Take a lesson from Desert Pete and give of yourself so you are worthy to receive.
While I was traveling home from a training swing this past week my flight was delayed out of Salt Lake City, causing me to miss my United Airlines connection in Denver. There were no other flights out that night so I was forced to lay-over until the next day. The earliest flight that had available seats to bring me home left Denver at 5:25 p.m. the next day. (Is it just me? It seems like I am always delayed and held-over at Denver Stapley airport… I am certain it is the portal to the Twilight Zone… but I digress.)
The following morning I contacted the travel department for my seminar company client to see if anything might have opened up to get me home any earlier. The travel agent was able to book me one-way on a different carrier at 2:30 p.m. That gained me three hours. I was very grateful.
I asked him why United was so heavily booked. He said, “I don’t know. It’s unusual. In fact the flight you were rebooked on is completely full now. There are no seats to be had on United out of Denver today at all.”
This got me thinking as I sat and watched people go by in the airport. United could probably use the seat I would be giving up on the 5:25 flight. I had a good 4 hours before my 2:30 flight was to board, so I headed off to find a United Customer Service counter. I stepped into line behind about 12 people and began the waiting process. Nothing happens quickly at a customer service counter and, unfortunately, everyone in line is struggling with some sort of inconvenience and therefore hovering somewhere in the grumpiness continuum. More than once I asked myself, “Why am I standing here again?” Yet I knew that I had plenty of time and nothing else I really needed to be doing, so I stayed in line. After about 35 minutes, I had inched to the front of the line.
The customer service representative, Dee, was frazzled but gracious and eager to resolve whatever issue I might have. I explained the situation to her and finished by saying, “I just wanted to let you know that I will not be on this flight at 5:25 and release the seat so you can give it to someone else.”
She worked through the whole scenario with me again several times to make sure that she was clear on how the flights had been delayed, missed and rebooked. Then she confirmed, “So you are traveling home today on a different carrier?”
“That’s right,” I said.
She seemed confused. “So what do you need from me?”
“Nothing,” I said. “I just wanted to let you know that this seat is available.”
“Do you need a refund for this leg of the trip?”
“That would be terrific. I am sure my company would appreciate that,” I replied.
“Well okay then. Let’s get that taken care of.”
She printed off the information my client would need to receive a refund for the flight I didn’t take. She gave that to me along with a second voucher. “This is a voucher for $150 off your next flight with United,” she said with a smile. “We are very sorry for your inconvenience and thank you for your courtesy today.”
Did I stand in line for 35 minutes hoping that I would receive a $150 voucher? No I didn’t. I didn’t even think to ask for compensation for my lost day. I stood in line because I know that if I were desperate to get on a fully booked flight, I would want the gate agent to know there happened to be a seat that was just released. I know that all you send into the lives of others come back into your own. It may not be immediately. It usually won't be in-kind. I stood in line to prime the pump. I was blessed to have a benefit sent back my way immediately. It doesn’t always happen so quickly, or even in a manner that is noticeable, but that doesn’t matter. Priming the pump is about the sending out, not the getting back. As it says in the old Kingston Trio folk song, Desert Pete, “you have to give of yourself before you’re worthy to receive.”
High Road Challenge for the Day: Prime the pump. Find a need and fill it. Give of yourself. Send it out without expectation of what will come back. Take a lesson from Desert Pete and give of yourself so you are worthy to receive.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
A Sad - and Magnificent Day for Baseball
A Sad - and Magnificent Day for Baseball
I am not a huge baseball fan. I never have been, even though my husband and children are fanatic about the sport. I have always preferred football and basketball – sports that don’t involve so much standing around, scratching and spitting on national television. None-the-less, this week die-hard baseball fans and casual followers of the game had an opportunity to see High Road thinking played out on the diamond when Detroit Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga was denied what should have been only the 21st perfect game in baseball history. Umpire Jim Joyce blew the critical call at first base, calling the runner safe when he was clearly out.
The fans were in an uproar. The Tigers’ manager, Jim Leland stormed the field to protest the call. His teammates were outraged. And yet what stands out in that moment of chaos is Galarraga’s response to having his place in the history books yanked out from under him. With grace, professionalism, a wry smile and remarkable cool he climbed right back up on the mound. The game was not over yet – he still had to get the final out. What happens to you in your life is not as important as how you choose to respond to what happens to you in your life. Galarraga’s response was the ultimate example of the High Road in action.
The astonishing thing is that it didn’t end there.
After the game, Joyce reviewed the play in the clubhouse and came to the conclusion that he had clearly been wrong. Then… he admitted it – publicly. To the press he said, “No, I did not get the call correct. I absolutely missed the call. I just cost that kid a perfect game. I thought he beat the throw. I was convinced he beat the throw, until I saw the replay." He went on to comment about the verbal beating he took from the team and the fans after the next play which ended the game. "I don't blame them a bit for anything that was said," Joyce said. "I would've said it myself. If I had been Galarraga, I would've been the first person in my face, and he never said a word to me." Joyce then asked to see Galarraga in the locker room and apologized to him.
Speaking to the Venezuelan press later, the pitcher showed only empathy for the umpire. "He really feel bad. He probably feel more bad than me. Nobody's perfect, everybody's human. I understand. I give a lot of credit to the guy saying, 'Hey, I need to talk to you because I really say I'm sorry.' That don't happen. You don't see an umpire after the game say 'I'm sorry.[sic]'"
During the post-game press conferences, Jim Leland showed his High Road mentality saying, “This is, without question, one of the best umpires in the game. I think how Jim Joyce handled it was key. The guy was a shambles. My heart goes out to him. Obviously, it was a mistake. It was a perfect game. It's a shame for both of them – but I'm telling you he is the best baseball has, and a great guy. It's just a shame.”
A day later the series between the two teams continued and the Detroit Tiger fans stepped up to join Galarraga, Joyce and Leland on the High Road. Whereas it might have been expected for the fans to boo and razz the umpire as he was introduced for the final game against the Indians, they showed the better side of baseball fandom and gave Joyce a standing ovation for having admitted that he was wrong.
Galarraga was the one assigned to bring the batting line-up out to the umpire and the two had a very private moment that America was given the opportunity to watch – one that brought the veteran umpire to tears. “I can not believe the outpouring of support I’ve gotten,” he said. “This is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through in my professional career – without a doubt.”
In the midst of so much bad behavior and so few role models in professional sports these days, it is profoundly refreshing to see such sportsmanship exhibited by all parties involved in this unfortunate mishap.
It is almost enough to make me watch baseball on a regular basis…almost.
I am not a huge baseball fan. I never have been, even though my husband and children are fanatic about the sport. I have always preferred football and basketball – sports that don’t involve so much standing around, scratching and spitting on national television. None-the-less, this week die-hard baseball fans and casual followers of the game had an opportunity to see High Road thinking played out on the diamond when Detroit Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga was denied what should have been only the 21st perfect game in baseball history. Umpire Jim Joyce blew the critical call at first base, calling the runner safe when he was clearly out.
The fans were in an uproar. The Tigers’ manager, Jim Leland stormed the field to protest the call. His teammates were outraged. And yet what stands out in that moment of chaos is Galarraga’s response to having his place in the history books yanked out from under him. With grace, professionalism, a wry smile and remarkable cool he climbed right back up on the mound. The game was not over yet – he still had to get the final out. What happens to you in your life is not as important as how you choose to respond to what happens to you in your life. Galarraga’s response was the ultimate example of the High Road in action.
The astonishing thing is that it didn’t end there.
After the game, Joyce reviewed the play in the clubhouse and came to the conclusion that he had clearly been wrong. Then… he admitted it – publicly. To the press he said, “No, I did not get the call correct. I absolutely missed the call. I just cost that kid a perfect game. I thought he beat the throw. I was convinced he beat the throw, until I saw the replay." He went on to comment about the verbal beating he took from the team and the fans after the next play which ended the game. "I don't blame them a bit for anything that was said," Joyce said. "I would've said it myself. If I had been Galarraga, I would've been the first person in my face, and he never said a word to me." Joyce then asked to see Galarraga in the locker room and apologized to him.
Speaking to the Venezuelan press later, the pitcher showed only empathy for the umpire. "He really feel bad. He probably feel more bad than me. Nobody's perfect, everybody's human. I understand. I give a lot of credit to the guy saying, 'Hey, I need to talk to you because I really say I'm sorry.' That don't happen. You don't see an umpire after the game say 'I'm sorry.[sic]'"
During the post-game press conferences, Jim Leland showed his High Road mentality saying, “This is, without question, one of the best umpires in the game. I think how Jim Joyce handled it was key. The guy was a shambles. My heart goes out to him. Obviously, it was a mistake. It was a perfect game. It's a shame for both of them – but I'm telling you he is the best baseball has, and a great guy. It's just a shame.”
A day later the series between the two teams continued and the Detroit Tiger fans stepped up to join Galarraga, Joyce and Leland on the High Road. Whereas it might have been expected for the fans to boo and razz the umpire as he was introduced for the final game against the Indians, they showed the better side of baseball fandom and gave Joyce a standing ovation for having admitted that he was wrong.
Galarraga was the one assigned to bring the batting line-up out to the umpire and the two had a very private moment that America was given the opportunity to watch – one that brought the veteran umpire to tears. “I can not believe the outpouring of support I’ve gotten,” he said. “This is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through in my professional career – without a doubt.”
In the midst of so much bad behavior and so few role models in professional sports these days, it is profoundly refreshing to see such sportsmanship exhibited by all parties involved in this unfortunate mishap.
It is almost enough to make me watch baseball on a regular basis…almost.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Memorial Day - Respect the Sacrifice
Memorial Day - Respect the Sacrifice
It is happening all across America right now. The enticing scent of barbecue is wafting from backyard grills. Families are gathering together. Brothers and sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents are greeting loved ones they have not seen in far too long. City parks and backyards nationwide are alive with games of Frisbee, horseshoes and ladder golf. As the day turns to dusk, people will gather for memorial concerts performed by local bands or symphonies playing heart-stirring music by Copeland or Sousa. The holiday will be capped off by awe inspiring fireworks underscored by more patriotic tunes. Invariably, such underscoring will include a beloved tune written and performed by Lee Greenwood.
I’m proud to be an American
Where at least I know I’m free
And I won’t forget the men who died
Who gave that right to me
And I’d gladly stand up next to you
And defend her still today
Cuz’ there ain’t do doubt I love this land
God bless the U.S.A.
Each time I hear those words I am stunned at their simple and heartfelt sentiment.
Faced with a three-day weekend full of beautiful weather and family we can become wrapped up in celebrating the unofficial beginning of summer. It is easy to forget the true reason for the day: remembering those who have perished in defense of their country and the ideals upon which it was founded.
While it was not a formal national holiday until 1971, the roots of Memorial Day trace back to 1868 when General John A. Logan of the Grand Army of the Republic, an organization of former sailors and soldiers recommended a day to honor those who had sacrificed their lives in the recent Civil War. At that point it was called Decoration Day because it was set aside to decorate the graves of the fallen with flowers, flag or anything else deemed appropriate. During the first commemoration on May 30th, 1868, General James Garfield addressed over 5,000 attendees at Arlington National Cemetery who then worked together to place flags on the graves of 20,000 Union and Confederate solders. This tradition continues at Arlington today.
Local Decoration Day celebrations began happening annually across the newly reunited nation. After World War I, the solemnity which had now become known as Memorial Day expanded to include those lost in all American Wars. While General Logan suggested May 30th as a consistent date for this remembrance, upon it’s formalization in 1971, the holiday was fixed on the last Monday in May, rather than a specific date.
This is the reason we all have a day off of work. We have this day off to remember.
High Road Challenge for the Day: Memorial Day was set aside as a day to remember the fallen, and honor their sacrifice. It is so important that we take the time from our family celebrations to do that. Even if you do not specifically have a family member or loved one lost in battle or duty, take a moment and offer a word of gratitude for the thousands of men and women you DON’T know who died so we could have our patriotic celebration in freedom.
It is happening all across America right now. The enticing scent of barbecue is wafting from backyard grills. Families are gathering together. Brothers and sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents are greeting loved ones they have not seen in far too long. City parks and backyards nationwide are alive with games of Frisbee, horseshoes and ladder golf. As the day turns to dusk, people will gather for memorial concerts performed by local bands or symphonies playing heart-stirring music by Copeland or Sousa. The holiday will be capped off by awe inspiring fireworks underscored by more patriotic tunes. Invariably, such underscoring will include a beloved tune written and performed by Lee Greenwood.
I’m proud to be an American
Where at least I know I’m free
And I won’t forget the men who died
Who gave that right to me
And I’d gladly stand up next to you
And defend her still today
Cuz’ there ain’t do doubt I love this land
God bless the U.S.A.
Each time I hear those words I am stunned at their simple and heartfelt sentiment.
Faced with a three-day weekend full of beautiful weather and family we can become wrapped up in celebrating the unofficial beginning of summer. It is easy to forget the true reason for the day: remembering those who have perished in defense of their country and the ideals upon which it was founded.
While it was not a formal national holiday until 1971, the roots of Memorial Day trace back to 1868 when General John A. Logan of the Grand Army of the Republic, an organization of former sailors and soldiers recommended a day to honor those who had sacrificed their lives in the recent Civil War. At that point it was called Decoration Day because it was set aside to decorate the graves of the fallen with flowers, flag or anything else deemed appropriate. During the first commemoration on May 30th, 1868, General James Garfield addressed over 5,000 attendees at Arlington National Cemetery who then worked together to place flags on the graves of 20,000 Union and Confederate solders. This tradition continues at Arlington today.
Local Decoration Day celebrations began happening annually across the newly reunited nation. After World War I, the solemnity which had now become known as Memorial Day expanded to include those lost in all American Wars. While General Logan suggested May 30th as a consistent date for this remembrance, upon it’s formalization in 1971, the holiday was fixed on the last Monday in May, rather than a specific date.
This is the reason we all have a day off of work. We have this day off to remember.
High Road Challenge for the Day: Memorial Day was set aside as a day to remember the fallen, and honor their sacrifice. It is so important that we take the time from our family celebrations to do that. Even if you do not specifically have a family member or loved one lost in battle or duty, take a moment and offer a word of gratitude for the thousands of men and women you DON’T know who died so we could have our patriotic celebration in freedom.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
This is not a dress rehearsal. Be in the moment.
This week, while attending a family dinner-out, I found myself intrigued by the people at the table next to us. Their family grouping included kids, ranging in age from their twenties to the youngest at about six, and three adults. Each and every time I glanced over at their table, at least one person was talking on a cell phone. Often many of them were chatting away to invisible others. The youngest child never seemed to lift her head from the digital game she was playing to keep herself occupied. The restaurant was loud enough that their cell phone conversations were lost in the general hubbub, so it was not distracting from the dialog at our table. It was, therefore, not intrusive to me; I was simply intrigued. I thought to myself, when are they going to engage with each other?
It is apparently becoming acceptable in 21st century etiquette to chatter away on a cell phone in very public places such as restaurants, grocery stores, sidewalks and parks. It may not be verbal conversations at all; I often see people with their faces buried in their cell phones, Palms, Blackberries or iPhones as their fingers fly through abbreviated words to each other.
Recently I was in line to check out at the grocery store. I was behind a woman who was engrossed in her phone conversation. This conversation was apparently so important that she could not see her child grabbing candy off the rack and dropping it on the conveyor belt. It was engrossing enough that she could not acknowledge the cashier who was being diligent and trying to verify that the mom really wanted to purchase all the items the child was adding. Finally the cashier stopped ringing items altogether and waited for the woman to notice. This delayed my transaction, and yet I had to smile. I was not at all irritated with the cashier. She was waiting until the woman engaged herself in the moment at hand. (Had it lasted too long, I probably would have become irritated with the woman on the phone. Luckily it did not take that long.) The woman hastily wrapped up her conversation, pulled the extraneous items off the belt and paid for her groceries. Before she wheeled her cart away, I saw her stop to dial her phone.
Had the cashier not forced the issue, I am sure the woman would have carried the conversation right through the transaction – working on muscle memory – and probably would have wondered about all the extra items in her bag once she got home.
At my son’s high school commencement ceremony this past week the principal who has guided both of my children through their high school years addressed the parents and guests in attendance. He recounted a conversation he had with the graduating class as they assembled in the staging room, wherein he made them “pinky-swear.” (Yes, this man is respected and loved enough by his students that even the roughest of 18 year old boys is willing to “pinky-swear” for him.) He said, “I made them ‘pinky-swear’ that tonight – for this three hours of their lives – they will not be texting in their laps. I implored them to….” He paused and encouraged the graduates to finish his sentence for him. Roughly 450 voices chimed in with, “BE IN THE MOMENT!”
I was profoundly impressed.
Will it last? Probably not, but for that three hours of time each of the graduates fully experienced everything that was going on around them. They engaged with each other and were in the moment.
High Road Challenge for the Week: Involve yourself. I encourage you to establish standards for yourself that preclude phone calls and texting during meals and other times when conversations with people in your immediate presence can be important. Take the opportunity to fully engage with the people around you. Be in the moment.
It is apparently becoming acceptable in 21st century etiquette to chatter away on a cell phone in very public places such as restaurants, grocery stores, sidewalks and parks. It may not be verbal conversations at all; I often see people with their faces buried in their cell phones, Palms, Blackberries or iPhones as their fingers fly through abbreviated words to each other.
Recently I was in line to check out at the grocery store. I was behind a woman who was engrossed in her phone conversation. This conversation was apparently so important that she could not see her child grabbing candy off the rack and dropping it on the conveyor belt. It was engrossing enough that she could not acknowledge the cashier who was being diligent and trying to verify that the mom really wanted to purchase all the items the child was adding. Finally the cashier stopped ringing items altogether and waited for the woman to notice. This delayed my transaction, and yet I had to smile. I was not at all irritated with the cashier. She was waiting until the woman engaged herself in the moment at hand. (Had it lasted too long, I probably would have become irritated with the woman on the phone. Luckily it did not take that long.) The woman hastily wrapped up her conversation, pulled the extraneous items off the belt and paid for her groceries. Before she wheeled her cart away, I saw her stop to dial her phone.
Had the cashier not forced the issue, I am sure the woman would have carried the conversation right through the transaction – working on muscle memory – and probably would have wondered about all the extra items in her bag once she got home.
At my son’s high school commencement ceremony this past week the principal who has guided both of my children through their high school years addressed the parents and guests in attendance. He recounted a conversation he had with the graduating class as they assembled in the staging room, wherein he made them “pinky-swear.” (Yes, this man is respected and loved enough by his students that even the roughest of 18 year old boys is willing to “pinky-swear” for him.) He said, “I made them ‘pinky-swear’ that tonight – for this three hours of their lives – they will not be texting in their laps. I implored them to….” He paused and encouraged the graduates to finish his sentence for him. Roughly 450 voices chimed in with, “BE IN THE MOMENT!”
I was profoundly impressed.
Will it last? Probably not, but for that three hours of time each of the graduates fully experienced everything that was going on around them. They engaged with each other and were in the moment.
High Road Challenge for the Week: Involve yourself. I encourage you to establish standards for yourself that preclude phone calls and texting during meals and other times when conversations with people in your immediate presence can be important. Take the opportunity to fully engage with the people around you. Be in the moment.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Passive-Aggressive Co-Workers?
I received an email from a reader this week:
Hi Barbie, what a great question! I know that many of my readers face similar situations, so thanks for bringing it to the High Road for discussion!
It’s important to remember that on the High Road, there are at least three sides to every story: yours, mine, and the truth. That means we’ll need to look at the situation from two points of view, with the understanding that the truth lies somewhere between them.
To “explode and say something I shouldn’t,” in this situation would not be my recommendation.
Whether this is a question of misinterpreted intentions, possible insecurity on your part or possible passive-aggressive tendencies on her part, my recommendation is going to be the same. Take the High Road. Flush (that is mentally flush away) your assumptions regarding her intentions and accept each and every one of her efforts with grace and gratitude, and praise her for a job well done.
High Road Challenge for the Week: Are there people in your circle of concern that you are making assumptions about, with regard to their thoughts, ideas or intentions? Remember, there are three sides to every story. Assume the best of intentions on their part and act accordingly.
I am consistently getting interesting feedback from my readers. What are your thoughts on this situation? How would you recommend Barbie respond to this situation?
"I have an issue with one of my co-workers. She always steps up to the plate when I ask for help or need anything done. I appreciate that, but every time she does, she goes an extra mile, does more than I would have and does it in a way that makes me feel incompetent or as if I would not have done it as good as she did. She is always quick with a compliment, but they seem insincere and condescending. It makes me dread having her on my committees or even being around her. I am about to explode and say something I shouldn’t. What is the High Road response to this?"
Barbie
Hi Barbie, what a great question! I know that many of my readers face similar situations, so thanks for bringing it to the High Road for discussion!
It’s important to remember that on the High Road, there are at least three sides to every story: yours, mine, and the truth. That means we’ll need to look at the situation from two points of view, with the understanding that the truth lies somewhere between them.
- It is quite possible that her efforts are sincere. You’ve portrayed her as a very capable and organized person. To conclude that she is going above and beyond on any task simply to make you look incompetent is perhaps reactionary.
Maybe she is a compliance personality (an analyzer, a thinker), and to put forth anything less than an exceptional effort is not acceptable to her. If that’s the case, it has nothing to do with you in the slightest.
I would also take the opportunity for introspection. I would ask myself why my co-worker’s extra-mile efforts trouble me. Do I need to step up my game? Is there anything that I can learn from my co-worker for personal growth?
It is always my recommendation that we follow the advice of St. Francis of Assisi (and Stephen Covey): seek first to understand. Don’t assume the worst. You would not want someone assuming that your efforts were ill-intended from the start - give her the same benefit of the doubt that you would want extended to you.
- On the other side is the possibility that her intention is to make you look or feel bad. It might be her passive-aggressive way of sniping at you and/or others.
I certainly have met many people in my life that glean their self-esteem by belittling, stepping on or – in this case – “showing up” someone else's efforts. (The truly sad result of that is the so-called self-esteem they gather is not a true self-esteem and therefore does not benefit them for any length of time.)
Difficult people behave the way they do because it gets them what they want. If this is the case with your co-worker, then the desired result is a rise out of you, some sort of reaction to attest to the fact that she has gotten under your skin. If that is so, then you would not benefit from giving her that reaction.
To “explode and say something I shouldn’t,” in this situation would not be my recommendation.
Whether this is a question of misinterpreted intentions, possible insecurity on your part or possible passive-aggressive tendencies on her part, my recommendation is going to be the same. Take the High Road. Flush (that is mentally flush away) your assumptions regarding her intentions and accept each and every one of her efforts with grace and gratitude, and praise her for a job well done.
High Road Challenge for the Week: Are there people in your circle of concern that you are making assumptions about, with regard to their thoughts, ideas or intentions? Remember, there are three sides to every story. Assume the best of intentions on their part and act accordingly.
I am consistently getting interesting feedback from my readers. What are your thoughts on this situation? How would you recommend Barbie respond to this situation?
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