Posts
Showing posts with label results. Show all posts
Showing posts with label results. Show all posts
Monday, March 21, 2011
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Passive-Aggressive Co-Workers?
I received an email from a reader this week:
Hi Barbie, what a great question! I know that many of my readers face similar situations, so thanks for bringing it to the High Road for discussion!
It’s important to remember that on the High Road, there are at least three sides to every story: yours, mine, and the truth. That means we’ll need to look at the situation from two points of view, with the understanding that the truth lies somewhere between them.
To “explode and say something I shouldn’t,” in this situation would not be my recommendation.
Whether this is a question of misinterpreted intentions, possible insecurity on your part or possible passive-aggressive tendencies on her part, my recommendation is going to be the same. Take the High Road. Flush (that is mentally flush away) your assumptions regarding her intentions and accept each and every one of her efforts with grace and gratitude, and praise her for a job well done.
High Road Challenge for the Week: Are there people in your circle of concern that you are making assumptions about, with regard to their thoughts, ideas or intentions? Remember, there are three sides to every story. Assume the best of intentions on their part and act accordingly.
I am consistently getting interesting feedback from my readers. What are your thoughts on this situation? How would you recommend Barbie respond to this situation?
"I have an issue with one of my co-workers. She always steps up to the plate when I ask for help or need anything done. I appreciate that, but every time she does, she goes an extra mile, does more than I would have and does it in a way that makes me feel incompetent or as if I would not have done it as good as she did. She is always quick with a compliment, but they seem insincere and condescending. It makes me dread having her on my committees or even being around her. I am about to explode and say something I shouldn’t. What is the High Road response to this?"
Barbie
Hi Barbie, what a great question! I know that many of my readers face similar situations, so thanks for bringing it to the High Road for discussion!
It’s important to remember that on the High Road, there are at least three sides to every story: yours, mine, and the truth. That means we’ll need to look at the situation from two points of view, with the understanding that the truth lies somewhere between them.
- It is quite possible that her efforts are sincere. You’ve portrayed her as a very capable and organized person. To conclude that she is going above and beyond on any task simply to make you look incompetent is perhaps reactionary.
Maybe she is a compliance personality (an analyzer, a thinker), and to put forth anything less than an exceptional effort is not acceptable to her. If that’s the case, it has nothing to do with you in the slightest.
I would also take the opportunity for introspection. I would ask myself why my co-worker’s extra-mile efforts trouble me. Do I need to step up my game? Is there anything that I can learn from my co-worker for personal growth?
It is always my recommendation that we follow the advice of St. Francis of Assisi (and Stephen Covey): seek first to understand. Don’t assume the worst. You would not want someone assuming that your efforts were ill-intended from the start - give her the same benefit of the doubt that you would want extended to you.
- On the other side is the possibility that her intention is to make you look or feel bad. It might be her passive-aggressive way of sniping at you and/or others.
I certainly have met many people in my life that glean their self-esteem by belittling, stepping on or – in this case – “showing up” someone else's efforts. (The truly sad result of that is the so-called self-esteem they gather is not a true self-esteem and therefore does not benefit them for any length of time.)
Difficult people behave the way they do because it gets them what they want. If this is the case with your co-worker, then the desired result is a rise out of you, some sort of reaction to attest to the fact that she has gotten under your skin. If that is so, then you would not benefit from giving her that reaction.
To “explode and say something I shouldn’t,” in this situation would not be my recommendation.
Whether this is a question of misinterpreted intentions, possible insecurity on your part or possible passive-aggressive tendencies on her part, my recommendation is going to be the same. Take the High Road. Flush (that is mentally flush away) your assumptions regarding her intentions and accept each and every one of her efforts with grace and gratitude, and praise her for a job well done.
High Road Challenge for the Week: Are there people in your circle of concern that you are making assumptions about, with regard to their thoughts, ideas or intentions? Remember, there are three sides to every story. Assume the best of intentions on their part and act accordingly.
I am consistently getting interesting feedback from my readers. What are your thoughts on this situation? How would you recommend Barbie respond to this situation?
Friday, April 16, 2010
There are Three Sides to Every Story
Because of my speaking business, I travel a great deal. Sometimes it is pleasant and exciting, sometimes it is not. I have learned over the years to go with the flow and not get too stressed about any “travel hiccups” that may occur. My traveling actually gives me an incredible opportunity to watch people.
This past week I observed a situation that brought to mind my belief that there are three sides to every story: yours, mine and the truth. While waiting to board a plane in Philadelphia I struck up a conversation with a man whose flight itinerary was identical to mine. We were both heading home to Kansas City, through Cleveland. We exchanged the pleasantries of what we each do for a living and surface level discussions of our favorite (or least favorite) sports teams. He boarded the plane before I did as I was seated in the very first row.
Once in Cleveland we ended up in step with each other again, heading for our connecting gate and he was eager to get my opinion of the flight attendant on the previous flight.
“Boy, that gal sure could have used some of your communication training, eh?”
I thought I knew what he probably meant, but I wanted to be sure. “How so?”
“Well she sure wouldn’t get a tip in a restaurant. In fact, she was a down right (expletive deleted).”
Now, this gal was not in anyway soft and cuddly to begin with. She had a heavy Brooklyn accent and her speech patterns were fast and clipped. Being farther back on the plane, though, he did not have the benefit of the knowledge I had.
Sitting as I was in the very first row, I overheard a telephone conversation the flight attendant had just before closing the cabin door. Her 16 year old son had called her – it appeared that this was his first faux pas. The conversation went downhill from there. He apparently had taken their only car to run an errand that day and something had happened to it. I am not clear on those details. The point of the conversation though was that this young man had called a friend to pick him up and left the car on the side of the road from where it was apparently towed. He had gone back with his friend to retrieve something from the vehicle and it was no longer there. He had no idea where the car was at that point.
The flight attendant was beside herself. “Do you have any IDEA what towing in the city costs? I don’t have that kind of money and neither do you.” She expressed to him, quite forcefully, that he had better find out where the car had been towed and what it was going to take to get the car back. She would call him when we landed in Cleveland and he had better have some answers by then. We commiserated a bit, she and I, about how our kids “just don’t get it” and about how tight finances are for all of us.
I shared this information with the man as we walked to our connecting gate. I said, “Can you imagine having to focus on taking care of us, while worrying about how much the towing and citation is going to cost her? I think that may have something to do with her clipped tone.”
“Wow,” he said, “I had no idea. I’d kill the kid.” (I’m sure he wasn’t serious.) “I sure hope it doesn’t cost her an arm and a leg.”
Suddenly the man had empathy for the flight attendant, rather than being so quick to label her derogatorily.
There is an old Hopi adage that my mother used to share with me: “One can’t truly know a man until he has walked a mile in that man’s moccasins.” My spontaneous traveling partner for the trip simply needed to step into the flight attendant’s shoes for a moment to be able to forgive her seemingly poor customer service.
Several of the blogs I subscribe to have recently been bemoaning poor customer service. Without a doubt, customer service is important. I would be eager to share with my colleagues (and indeed have to two of them) that the cause of that customer service may be deeper than a perceived lack of work ethic. Perhaps walking a mile in their shoes would reveal that.
There are three sides to every story. The man’s side: he received service on the flight that was surly at best. The flight attendant’s side: she was totally overwhelmed by the thought of the impending expense and her son’s incredible lack of responsibility. The truth of the matter during that flight lays somewhere between these two realities.
High Road Challenge for the Day: The next time you receive poor customer service, ask yourself the question, “What might have happened just before I arrived, that would cause this poor service?” It may need to be a hypothetical question. If convenient and appropriate, you might ask, in a respectful manner. “You know, the service I received today is not up to the standard that I have come to expect from you (this establishment). Tell me, is there something distracting you today?” Endeavor to walk a mile in their shoes so you can see the other two sides of the story.
This past week I observed a situation that brought to mind my belief that there are three sides to every story: yours, mine and the truth. While waiting to board a plane in Philadelphia I struck up a conversation with a man whose flight itinerary was identical to mine. We were both heading home to Kansas City, through Cleveland. We exchanged the pleasantries of what we each do for a living and surface level discussions of our favorite (or least favorite) sports teams. He boarded the plane before I did as I was seated in the very first row.
Once in Cleveland we ended up in step with each other again, heading for our connecting gate and he was eager to get my opinion of the flight attendant on the previous flight.
“Boy, that gal sure could have used some of your communication training, eh?”
I thought I knew what he probably meant, but I wanted to be sure. “How so?”
“Well she sure wouldn’t get a tip in a restaurant. In fact, she was a down right (expletive deleted).”
Now, this gal was not in anyway soft and cuddly to begin with. She had a heavy Brooklyn accent and her speech patterns were fast and clipped. Being farther back on the plane, though, he did not have the benefit of the knowledge I had.
Sitting as I was in the very first row, I overheard a telephone conversation the flight attendant had just before closing the cabin door. Her 16 year old son had called her – it appeared that this was his first faux pas. The conversation went downhill from there. He apparently had taken their only car to run an errand that day and something had happened to it. I am not clear on those details. The point of the conversation though was that this young man had called a friend to pick him up and left the car on the side of the road from where it was apparently towed. He had gone back with his friend to retrieve something from the vehicle and it was no longer there. He had no idea where the car was at that point.
The flight attendant was beside herself. “Do you have any IDEA what towing in the city costs? I don’t have that kind of money and neither do you.” She expressed to him, quite forcefully, that he had better find out where the car had been towed and what it was going to take to get the car back. She would call him when we landed in Cleveland and he had better have some answers by then. We commiserated a bit, she and I, about how our kids “just don’t get it” and about how tight finances are for all of us.
I shared this information with the man as we walked to our connecting gate. I said, “Can you imagine having to focus on taking care of us, while worrying about how much the towing and citation is going to cost her? I think that may have something to do with her clipped tone.”
“Wow,” he said, “I had no idea. I’d kill the kid.” (I’m sure he wasn’t serious.) “I sure hope it doesn’t cost her an arm and a leg.”
Suddenly the man had empathy for the flight attendant, rather than being so quick to label her derogatorily.
There is an old Hopi adage that my mother used to share with me: “One can’t truly know a man until he has walked a mile in that man’s moccasins.” My spontaneous traveling partner for the trip simply needed to step into the flight attendant’s shoes for a moment to be able to forgive her seemingly poor customer service.
Several of the blogs I subscribe to have recently been bemoaning poor customer service. Without a doubt, customer service is important. I would be eager to share with my colleagues (and indeed have to two of them) that the cause of that customer service may be deeper than a perceived lack of work ethic. Perhaps walking a mile in their shoes would reveal that.
There are three sides to every story. The man’s side: he received service on the flight that was surly at best. The flight attendant’s side: she was totally overwhelmed by the thought of the impending expense and her son’s incredible lack of responsibility. The truth of the matter during that flight lays somewhere between these two realities.
High Road Challenge for the Day: The next time you receive poor customer service, ask yourself the question, “What might have happened just before I arrived, that would cause this poor service?” It may need to be a hypothetical question. If convenient and appropriate, you might ask, in a respectful manner. “You know, the service I received today is not up to the standard that I have come to expect from you (this establishment). Tell me, is there something distracting you today?” Endeavor to walk a mile in their shoes so you can see the other two sides of the story.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Can you SEE it? Success is between your ears!
Several years ago I had the opportunity to interview a woman who had been crowned the Queen of Recruiting for her division in Mary Kay Cosmetics that year. That was quite an accomplishment for her – one that she had been working toward for many years. Part of her recognition at the annual awards convention was concentrated stage time for both her and her family, as well as roughly 15 carats worth of diamond jewelry. I wanted to pick her brain and find out every secret she had to share with me about achieving one’s goals.
Before we dug into the details of how she did it, I wanted to know what it felt like to be on stage and sit on that throne with 20,000 people applauding you. “It actually wasn’t that big a deal that night,” she said, “because I have ‘lived’ it so many times in my head. For over three years I have visualized every minute detail of the award’s ceremony. I knew the color of dress I would wear and how I would fix my hair. I saw myself escorted down the long stairway as a member of the top three. At the foot of the stairs, I saw myself greeted by my National Sales Director and brought down to center stage. I knew exactly what it would look like gazing out over the arena as they called the second runner-up’s name (not mine), and then the first runner-up’s name (also not mine).” She went on to share her visualization with me down to the finest detail. Then she said, “I believe that is the reason I actually achieved it – because I could see it. Of course I worked hard to get there, but equally important was the fact that I could believe it, because I could see it.”
Last week I shared with you the need for CLEAR goals. A second, equally important factor in the process of achieving those goals is the ability to visualize them. You must be able to see yourself accomplishing them. I often quote Dr. Stephen Covey, who wrote The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. With his habit number two, Covey encourages us to “begin with the end in mind.” This is so important because if you don’t know where you are going you won’t know how to get there. Furthermore, if you don’t know where you are going, you won’t know when you’ve arrived!
High Road challenge for the day: As you establish your goals, take the time to dream and conjure up a mental picture of what it will be like when you achieve it. What will it look like, feel like, sound like, and smell like? Create a mental movie for yourself, directing it the way you want it to be. You can begin broadly. Then each time you play the movie for yourself you can add detail to it. Take time every day to envision your success. Play the movie for yourself every morning, so it is the first thing your subconscious focuses on to begin your day. Play it again for yourself each night before you go to bed, so it is the last thing your subconscious focuses on before you go to sleep. Visualizing your goals as already achieved is a critical factor in actually achieving them.
Man can only receive what he sees himself receiving. - Florence Scovel Shinn
Before we dug into the details of how she did it, I wanted to know what it felt like to be on stage and sit on that throne with 20,000 people applauding you. “It actually wasn’t that big a deal that night,” she said, “because I have ‘lived’ it so many times in my head. For over three years I have visualized every minute detail of the award’s ceremony. I knew the color of dress I would wear and how I would fix my hair. I saw myself escorted down the long stairway as a member of the top three. At the foot of the stairs, I saw myself greeted by my National Sales Director and brought down to center stage. I knew exactly what it would look like gazing out over the arena as they called the second runner-up’s name (not mine), and then the first runner-up’s name (also not mine).” She went on to share her visualization with me down to the finest detail. Then she said, “I believe that is the reason I actually achieved it – because I could see it. Of course I worked hard to get there, but equally important was the fact that I could believe it, because I could see it.”
Last week I shared with you the need for CLEAR goals. A second, equally important factor in the process of achieving those goals is the ability to visualize them. You must be able to see yourself accomplishing them. I often quote Dr. Stephen Covey, who wrote The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. With his habit number two, Covey encourages us to “begin with the end in mind.” This is so important because if you don’t know where you are going you won’t know how to get there. Furthermore, if you don’t know where you are going, you won’t know when you’ve arrived!
High Road challenge for the day: As you establish your goals, take the time to dream and conjure up a mental picture of what it will be like when you achieve it. What will it look like, feel like, sound like, and smell like? Create a mental movie for yourself, directing it the way you want it to be. You can begin broadly. Then each time you play the movie for yourself you can add detail to it. Take time every day to envision your success. Play the movie for yourself every morning, so it is the first thing your subconscious focuses on to begin your day. Play it again for yourself each night before you go to bed, so it is the last thing your subconscious focuses on before you go to sleep. Visualizing your goals as already achieved is a critical factor in actually achieving them.
Man can only receive what he sees himself receiving. - Florence Scovel Shinn
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Two Die In Bizarre, Fiery Accident - Choices Equal Results
"Two die in bizarre, fiery accident." That is what the headline said.
On Tuesday of this week, our community was rocked by news of a horrific single car crash involving three high school seniors. Two of the boys perished in the accident. The driver was pulled from the wreckage and is hospitalized with life threatening injuries. His prognosis is hit or miss. That young man is the youngest son of a family that has lived next door to me for six years.
I am thunderstruck and have been all but paralyzed this week with the hopelessness of a simple question, “What can I do?” The answer thus far has been to pray. That is all that can be done at this point. I will go visit the family at the hospital today and provide some meals for them so they don’t have to think about what they are going to eat. Such gestures though, seem so small and insignificant in the face of such a life changing calamity.
Over the past 48 hours there has been a great deal of conjecture in this tight-knit community, and on the web, about what happened. Was alcohol involved? (The police have yet to make a judgment on that.) Why were they going so fast? (Police have specified, based upon skid marks and other factors that excessive speed was a factor.) How could this happen? How can we honor their memory in any meaningful way?
Impromptu vigils have popped up and memorial Facebook pages have been created by well-meaning friends.
For the families of these three young men, recovery from this will be long and hard fought. Two of those families have lost a son. The other’s life hangs in the balance and if he recovers he will then have to deal with the emotional trauma of having been the one at the wheel when it happened. None of these lives will ever be the same.
At Tuesday evening’s vigil one mourner said, "It's hard, thinking ‘that could have been me.’ I know teens do crazy things. It's an eye-opener for everyone." I certainly hope so.
As I mention in Road Signs on the High Road of Life, choices equal results. While it will take weeks for the authorities to sort out exactly what happened, each of these boys made a choice. There will be intense investigation of, repercussions for and potential criminal charges resulting from the driver’s choices – and yet both of the passengers made choices as well. They made a choice to get into the car and a choice to stay in the car and not call the driver out on his excessive speed.
Each of us has the opportunity to, and the responsibility for, making good choices in our lives. We have to reap the results of the choices that we make. One of the truly tragic factors in this whole situation is the butterfly effect (that is the chaos theory that a butterfly flapping its wings on one side of the globe can create a ripple in the air sufficient to create a tsunami on the other side of the globe). The choices made by these three boys early Tuesday morning have the potential to destroy three families and will affect much of the community for years to come.
I can only hope that it IS an eye opener, as that one mourner said – and perhaps there can be a rare positive result from poor choices. I hope the 150 some odd youth that gathered for the vigil and others who were not there will remember this for a very long time and utilize that memory to make good choices in the future.
That is the very best way to honor their memory.
On Tuesday of this week, our community was rocked by news of a horrific single car crash involving three high school seniors. Two of the boys perished in the accident. The driver was pulled from the wreckage and is hospitalized with life threatening injuries. His prognosis is hit or miss. That young man is the youngest son of a family that has lived next door to me for six years.
I am thunderstruck and have been all but paralyzed this week with the hopelessness of a simple question, “What can I do?” The answer thus far has been to pray. That is all that can be done at this point. I will go visit the family at the hospital today and provide some meals for them so they don’t have to think about what they are going to eat. Such gestures though, seem so small and insignificant in the face of such a life changing calamity.
Over the past 48 hours there has been a great deal of conjecture in this tight-knit community, and on the web, about what happened. Was alcohol involved? (The police have yet to make a judgment on that.) Why were they going so fast? (Police have specified, based upon skid marks and other factors that excessive speed was a factor.) How could this happen? How can we honor their memory in any meaningful way?
Impromptu vigils have popped up and memorial Facebook pages have been created by well-meaning friends.
For the families of these three young men, recovery from this will be long and hard fought. Two of those families have lost a son. The other’s life hangs in the balance and if he recovers he will then have to deal with the emotional trauma of having been the one at the wheel when it happened. None of these lives will ever be the same.
At Tuesday evening’s vigil one mourner said, "It's hard, thinking ‘that could have been me.’ I know teens do crazy things. It's an eye-opener for everyone." I certainly hope so.
As I mention in Road Signs on the High Road of Life, choices equal results. While it will take weeks for the authorities to sort out exactly what happened, each of these boys made a choice. There will be intense investigation of, repercussions for and potential criminal charges resulting from the driver’s choices – and yet both of the passengers made choices as well. They made a choice to get into the car and a choice to stay in the car and not call the driver out on his excessive speed.
Each of us has the opportunity to, and the responsibility for, making good choices in our lives. We have to reap the results of the choices that we make. One of the truly tragic factors in this whole situation is the butterfly effect (that is the chaos theory that a butterfly flapping its wings on one side of the globe can create a ripple in the air sufficient to create a tsunami on the other side of the globe). The choices made by these three boys early Tuesday morning have the potential to destroy three families and will affect much of the community for years to come.
I can only hope that it IS an eye opener, as that one mourner said – and perhaps there can be a rare positive result from poor choices. I hope the 150 some odd youth that gathered for the vigil and others who were not there will remember this for a very long time and utilize that memory to make good choices in the future.
That is the very best way to honor their memory.
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