This is not a dress rehearsal. Be in the moment.

This week, while attending a family dinner-out, I found myself intrigued by the people at the table next to us.  Their family grouping included kids, ranging in age from their twenties to the youngest at about six, and three adults.  Each and every time I glanced over at their table, at least one person was talking on a cell phone.  Often many of them were chatting away to invisible others.  The youngest child never seemed to lift her head from the digital game she was playing to keep herself occupied.  The restaurant was loud enough that their cell phone conversations were lost in the general hubbub, so it was not distracting from the dialog at our table.  It was, therefore, not intrusive to me; I was simply intrigued.  I thought to myself, when are they going to engage with each other?
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 
It is apparently becoming acceptable in 21st century etiquette to chatter away on a cell phone in very public places such as restaurants, grocery stores, sidewalks and parks.  It may not be verbal conversations at all; I often see people with their faces buried in their cell phones, Palms, Blackberries or iPhones as their fingers fly through abbreviated words to each other.

Recently I was in line to check out at the grocery store.  I was behind a woman who was engrossed in her phone conversation.  This conversation was apparently so important that she could not see her child grabbing candy off the rack and dropping it on the conveyor belt.  It was engrossing enough that she could not acknowledge the cashier who was being diligent and trying to verify that the mom really wanted to purchase all the items the child was adding.  Finally the cashier stopped ringing items altogether and waited for the woman to notice.  This delayed my transaction, and yet I had to smile.  I was not at all irritated with the cashier.  She was waiting until the woman engaged herself in the moment at hand.  (Had it lasted too long, I probably would have become irritated with the woman on the phone.  Luckily it did not take that long.)  The woman hastily wrapped up her conversation, pulled the extraneous items off the belt and paid for her groceries.  Before she wheeled her cart away, I saw her stop to dial her phone.

Had the cashier not forced the issue, I am sure the woman would have carried the conversation right through the transaction – working on muscle memory – and probably would have wondered about all the extra items in her bag once she got home.

At my son’s high school commencement ceremony this past week the principal who has guided both of my children through their high school years addressed the parents and guests in attendance.  He recounted a conversation he had with the graduating class as they assembled in the staging room, wherein he made them “pinky-swear.”  (Yes, this man is respected and loved enough by his students that even the roughest of 18 year old boys is willing to “pinky-swear” for him.)  He said, “I made them ‘pinky-swear’ that tonight – for this three hours of their lives – they will not be texting in their laps.  I implored them to….”  He paused and encouraged the graduates to finish his sentence for him.  Roughly 450 voices chimed in with, “BE IN THE MOMENT!” 

I was profoundly impressed. 

Will it last?  Probably not, but for that three hours of time each of the graduates fully experienced everything that was going on around them.  They engaged with each other and were in the moment.

High Road Challenge for the Week:  Involve yourself.  I encourage you to establish standards for yourself that preclude phone calls and texting during meals and other times when conversations with people in your immediate presence can be important.  Take the opportunity to fully engage with the people around you. Be in the moment.

What can we learn from the Amazing Race?

I am an addict – I admit it.  I am addicted to the television show The Amazing Race.  I am not a big fan of most reality shows, but I LOVE The Amazing Race.  I love seeing the different locations they travel to and the tasks teams are required to perform to get the next clue.  The “detours” and “roadblocks” are never degrading and usually tied into the culture of the country or city they are in.  I find it entertaining and educational simultaneously.  As I have watched this show over the last 11 seasons (I didn’t discover it until season 5), I have noticed certain characteristics that separate successful teams from those that fall early in the competition.  Furthermore, I believe these same characteristics are essential in our daily lives.  These are the lessons I have learned from watching The Amazing Race:

Respectful communication is critical – The ability to communicate effectively and respectfully with their partner and others is perhaps the most important characteristic of successful Race teams.  Every season there are a few teams that lack this essential element.  Under the stress of the race (which can be extreme) these teams often spiral into petty bickering (at best) or (at worst) name calling and screaming.  Forward progress usually stops until the bickering and name calling subsides.  Furthermore, teams that snipe at other teams often earn a target on their back which can have calamitous results.  Those teams that choose to communicate respectfully are able to avoid such delays and U-turns, and often end up in the top three, running for a million dollars. 

Maintain emotional control – If you are not in emotional control, you are completely ineffective.  Every season there are some classic emotional meltdowns.  Again, any forward progress stops until the contestant can “pull it together” and focus back on task.  This evening’s episode is a prime example.  While teams were assembling a very large, 96-piece puzzle in Shanghai, China, the wind kicked up and blew puzzle pieces everywhere.  While the model-team’s Brent stormed and fumed about how he had almost completed the puzzle before the wind messed it up – the cowboy-team’s, Cord went to work anchoring the remaining pieces down with folding chairs.  In the “confessional” shot that aired at that moment he said, “Throwing a fit and kicking and screaming wasn’t gonna get my puzzle done.”  That calm demeanor has served this cowboy team very well, as they have arrived first at the pit-stop more than any other team this season – even going from last place to first, which was the only time that has happened thus far in race history.

Pay attention to detail – Every season there are turning points when, in their haste, a team has missed an important part of their clue or instruction.  Maybe they took a taxi to the pit-stop when the clue said to take the bus; or having completed the detour or road-block they have grabbed their clue and ran, forgetting their back-packs and their passports.  Each time one of these teams misses an instruction they are assessed a time penalty that must be waited out before they can be checked in at the pit-stop.  Many times this results in the team being eliminated.  The aforementioned cowboy-team’s last place finish in leg 7 of this season happened for that reason  They missed a key part of the clue and had to go back to complete the task before being checked in.  Luckily for them it was a non-elimination round. The old adage of “haste makes waste” is viable here. Teams that take the time to fully read the clue over to make sure they understand all facets of the instructions do not end up with time penalties.

Maintain a positive attitude and never quit – Rarely do teams know exactly where they stand in relation to other teams during any particular leg of the race.  Even if a team believes they are in last place at the time, there could very possibly be extenuating circumstances are “great equalizers” that they are not aware of.  Therefore being willing to stick-to-it with a positive attitude is essential.  Last season one of the strongest teams was the Harlem Globetrotter team of “Flight Time” and “Big Easy.”  They were fan favorites until one of the last episodes when they made a decision to give up on a roadblock and not complete the task.  This caused them to incur a 4 hour penalty and subsequently be eliminated from the race.  Many times teams have worked long hours to complete a task and been retrieved from the field by the host, Phil Koeghan.  The fact that they did not give up on the task until it was obvious that they were last, and therefore eliminated is admirable.  Just as often teams have run to the finish line, certain that they are the last to arrive, to find out that there are other teams still behind them.  The only certain way to lose the race is to quit.

Keep it all in perspective – Every season has several tasks or moments that my family refers to as “great equalizers.”  Perhaps, regardless of when they leave the pit-stop (the first team to arrive is the first team to leave and therefore has a time advantage), all teams end up on the same flight to their new destination.  This makes it a brand new race when the plane lands.  Maybe the clue is located inside a museum that doesn’t open until 10:00 a.m.  That means that whether teams arrive at the museum at midnight or 9:58 a.m. they all have to wait until the museum opens and again it is a brand new race.  Great equalizers might be tasks that, for whatever reason, are incredibly difficult for the first place team, but the last place team breezes through it and catapults themselves into first.  Sometimes the strongest teams have fallen to a great equalizer and there is nothing that can be done about it.  As each team falls, they lose a chance to race on the final leg for a million dollars.  None-the-less, they got a chance to travel the world and experience things that some of us only dream about – things that perhaps they would never have had an opportunity to experience.  That is a blessing in itself.   It is important to keep all things in perspective.


High Road Challenge for the Week: Our daily lives are not as adrenaline packed as the 12-15 days the teams experience on The Amazing Race.  Still, these characteristics are just as critical to our daily success as they are to the Amazing Race teams.  My challenge to you this week is to communicate respectfully, maintain emotional control, pay attention to detail, maintain a positive attitude, never quit and keep it all in perspective.

Can you SEE it? Success is between your ears!

Several years ago I had the opportunity to interview a woman who had been crowned the Queen of Recruiting for her division in Mary Kay Cosmetics that year.  That was quite an accomplishment for her – one that she had been working toward for many years.  Part of her recognition at the annual awards convention was concentrated stage time for both her and her family, as well as roughly 15 carats worth of diamond jewelry.  I wanted to pick her brain and find out every secret she had to share with me about achieving one’s goals. 

Before we dug into the details of how she did it, I wanted to know what it felt like to be on stage and sit on that throne with 20,000 people applauding you.  “It actually wasn’t that big a deal that night,” she said, “because I have ‘lived’ it so many times in my head.  For over three years I have visualized every minute detail of the award’s ceremony.  I knew the color of dress I would wear and how I would fix my hair.  I saw myself escorted down the long stairway as a member of the top three.  At the foot of the stairs, I saw myself greeted by my National Sales Director and brought down to center stage.  I knew exactly what it would look like gazing out over the arena as they called the second runner-up’s name (not mine), and then the first runner-up’s name (also not mine).”  She went on to share her visualization with me down to the finest detail.  Then she said, “I believe that is the reason I actually achieved it – because I could see it.  Of course I worked hard to get there, but equally important was the fact that I could believe it, because I could see it.”

Last week I shared with you the need for CLEAR goals.  A second, equally important factor in the process of achieving those goals is the ability to visualize them.  You must be able to see yourself accomplishing them.  I often quote Dr. Stephen Covey, who wrote The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.  With his habit number two, Covey encourages us to “begin with the end in mind.”  This is so important because if you don’t know where you are going you won’t know how to get there.  Furthermore, if you don’t know where you are going, you won’t know when you’ve arrived!

High Road challenge for the day: As you establish your goals, take the time to dream and conjure up a mental picture of what it will be like when you achieve it.  What will it look like, feel like, sound like, and smell like?  Create a mental movie for yourself, directing it the way you want it to be.  You can begin broadly.  Then each time you play the movie for yourself you can add detail to it.  Take time every day to envision your success.  Play the movie for yourself every morning, so it is the first thing your subconscious focuses on to begin your day.  Play it again for yourself each night before you go to bed, so it is the last thing your subconscious focuses on before you go to sleep.  Visualizing your goals as already achieved is a critical factor in actually achieving them.

Man can only receive what he sees himself receiving.  - Florence Scovel Shinn

Not achieving your goals? Maybe they are not CLEAR

Two weeks ago I wrote about reevaluating and recommitting to your goals as most of the nation “sprang forward” with Daylight Saving Time.  Since then I have had multiple people question me on how to actually do that.  So, I want to focus this week on how to set goals that are energizing and achievable.

There are many methods for establishing and working toward goals.  I have found that setting CLEAR goals works best for me.  CLEAR is an acronym that stands for:

Calculable
Limited time
Exact
Agreed upon
Realistic

Calculable – A goal must be easily broken down into smaller tasks and achievements that combine to create the larger objective.  There have been many times in my life and career that I have established goals for myself that seemed unattainable until I broke them down into smaller, “bite-size” pieces.  Broken down they are less daunting.  This is achieved by taking the whole of the objective and dividing it by the time-frame you have established for achieving it.  That way you create milestones for yourself annually, quarterly, monthly and weekly.  If, for instance, you have a goal to achieve $100,000 in gross revenue in a year – that means you need to target roughly $8,333 per month.  Breaking that down further (utilizing the IRS average of 4.4 weeks per month), you would need to target $1,894 per week.  Furthermore, if you know what your average revenue per sales call is, then you could calculate how many sales calls you would need to make per week to achieve that revenue target.  Break it down and make it calculable.

Limited time – A goal without a set time frame is just a dream.  Determine a time by which you will achieve this objective, otherwise it is a “someday” goal, or a “get around to it” goal.  I have yet to see “someday” on a calendar and “get around to it” goals rarely get gotten around to.  Without a set target date there is no means by which to establish the milestones you need to make it measurable and less daunting.  Often people hesitate to establish target dates for their goals for fear that if they miss the target they will have “failed.”  Not so.  A target is just that, a target.  If you miss the target, the goal does not change – only the time frame does.  Simply reset the target achievement date, recalculate the milestone dates and get back to work on the goal.

Exact – Vague goals are rarely attainable.  Unless they are exact, there is nothing specific to break down into bite-size pieces.  To establish a goal that you will be the “best widget salesman you can be” is setting yourself up for disappointment.  There is no way to measure when you have achieved the goal.  (Furthermore, I find that we never believe we are ever the best that we can be, so it is not an attainable goal.)  Instead, utilizing this scenario, decide that you will exceed last year’s widget sales by X%.  That is exact – something that can be measured and broken down.  Look at the goals you have established for yourself and make sure they are unambiguous and clear-cut.

Agreed upon – Your goals must be in writing and shared with like-minded individuals or associates.  Mary Kay Ash, the late Founder and Chairman Emeritus of Mary Kay Cosmetics often said, “the faintest ink is better than the most retentive memory.”  A goal that is not in writing is too easily adjusted when the road to achieving it becomes rocky.  Make sure they are written down (in ink!).  You also need to share your goals with the balcony people in your life (those people who believe in you and encourage you forward to action), and give them permission to inquire about your progress.  Doing so will make you more accountable for actually doing the work necessary to obtain your objective.

Realistic – I believe a goal that does not make you just a little nauseated about how you are going to get there is not a big enough goal. That having been said, your goal must be realistically obtainable with sufficient effort.  If you have never been on ice skates before, to set a goal of achieving a world championship in figure skating this year is not a realistic goal.  You set yourself up for failure and disappointment.  The goal should not be easy, but it should be realistic.  Establish a realistic goal that you feel comfortable in achieving – then stretch it to half again what you think you can achieve.  That will make it obtainable and a little bit scary at the same time.

High Road challenge for the day:  Examine the goals you have set for yourself.  Are they calculable, limited time, exact, agreed upon, and realistic?  If they fall short in any of these critical areas, tweak them to make them more attainable.  Set time frames so you can break them down into measurable milestone achievements. Write them down and share them with the balcony people in your life.

“What the mind can conceive and truly believe, you can achieve.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Spring Forward

“Oh my gosh, get up!  Get UP!  We over-slept. I forgot to set our clocks forward last night,” my husband confessed.  This is how I was roused awake this morning and why I looked just a little disheveled and out of sorts as I headed off to church this morning. 

Today most of the nation “sprang forward” into Daylight Saving Time, some more gracefully than others.

The original brainchild of Benjamin Franklin, Daylight Saving Time (DST) was originally intended to “save daylight” for the evenings when people were out and working.  This was a tough concept in its inception, as there was no uniformity at that time in how the nation set its clocks.

On March 19, 1918, an “Act to preserve daylight and provide standard time for the United States” was enacted by the U.S. Congress. It both established standard time zones and set summer DST to begin on March 31, 1918.  It was observed for seven months in 1918 and 1919.  It’s had a bumpy ride since, with each state and local government being able to establish its own standard for time and adoption of DST.  Indeed, in the mid-1960s while traveling the 35 mile stretch on Route 2 between Moundsville, W.V. and Steubenville, OH, one would endure seven time changes!

In1966, Congress decided to step in once again and end the confusion.  The Uniform Time Act of 1966 was signed into federal law by President Lyndon Johnson.  It established DST to begin on the last Sunday of April and to end on the last Sunday in October.  This act also created broader and more uniform time zones as well as a standard system of DST within each time zone throughout the U.S. and its possessions.  Any state that wanted to remain exempt could do so by passing a state law.  Most recently, with the Energy Policy Act of 2005 (which took effect in 2007), DST was adjusted to begin at 2:00 a.m. local time on the second Sunday in March and end at 2:00 a.m. on the first Sunday of November, which is why most of us "sprang forward" last night.

Now that we have spent our day bemoaning our missed hour of sleep and adjusting to a confused body clock, I recommend a different take on “springing forward.”  Let’s take this opportunity to look forward as we spring forward.  Take this time to re-evaluate the goals you established for yourself at the start of 2010.  Are they still viable?  Do they still make sense for your life and work’s purpose?  Where are you at with them?  If you are not where you want to be, or had planned on being – I recommend that you recommit to them.  If they need to be adjusted or sidelined for new ones, determine what the new ones should be and put together a new plan.  Rather than looking back at what you haven't accomplished since January, focus forward on corrective actions you can take.

High Road challenge for the day: Now that most of the nation has more “daylight,” refocus that daylight on your plans and take positive steps toward achieving them.  Visualize the successful result of reaching those goals. Break them down into monthly, weekly and daily accomplishments necessary to get there. Write them down (again, if you already wrote them down) in ink so they are on permanent record, and share them with the balcony people (those people who believe in you and encourage you forward to action) in your life.  Utilize this “spring forward” opportunity to take a quantum leap toward your goals.

And for my friends in Arizona, Hawaii, Puerto Rico, the US Virgin Islands, American Samoa and the Hopi Nation – I challenge you to do the same, even though you do not observe this biannual ritual of adjusting your clocks.  :-)

Open Your Parachute

I had a very interesting “small world” encounter this week as I was traveling and presenting.  In Temple, TX I was approached by a woman during a break late in the afternoon.  This gal had been a real spark plug in the room.  She had solid eye contact, was often nodding in agreement, laughing out-loud and asking insightful questions.  We appeared to be on a similar wave length.  She wanted to share with me a texting exchange she had that day. 

After the opening session she had sent a text to a co-worker that read, “learning lots - feel smarter already!”  The response she received back read, “w/e (whatever) you had a lot to learn.”

She thought this was hysterical, coming as it was from someone who had been in my session the day before in a different city and had found the day to be a “waste of her time.”

“One of your co-workers was in my session yesterday?” I asked.  “Wow, what a small world. The fact that she didn’t get anything out of it is not a good sign… What’s her name?  Maybe I remember her.”

She shared the co-worker’s name with me, and I did indeed remember her.  This person had sat, stone-faced all day - it almost seemed she was working aggressively to not show any expression.  She made no eye contact with me, took no notes and offered no input on the brainstorming exercises.  Sensing that I wasn't reaching her, I approached her at break and asked if there was anything specific that I could cover in more depth for her.  “No.  I’m fine,” was the response.

“Oooh, I DO remember her,” I told my Temple participant.  “I don’t think she 'got' me at all.  I hope the content will be helpful for her even if she didn’t care for my delivery style.”

"She doesn't ‘get’ ANYONE.  She could be listening to Oprah Winfrey or Mahatma Gandhi and still not 'get' anything - so don't take it personally.  I think you're great and I'm learning a lot."

It’s very possible that my delivery style was not her cup of tea - and yet, based upon the return text (“you had a lot to learn.”), it's more probable that the co-worker did not believe she had anything yet to learn.  The material content and the delivery were the same in each city.  The only thing that changed was the willingness of the participant to learn.  One was open to growth and expanded ideas, the other was not.

I think it is Frank Zappa who originally said, “The mind is like a parachute.  It doesn’t work if it’s not open.”

Once we stop learning we start dying. Don't find yourself in the same position as my energetic participant's co-worker. Make sure that your mind is always open to new thoughts, new ideas and new ways of doing something or viewing something.  

High Road challenge for the day:  Learn something new today.  Ask a mentor an open-ended question about a recent news item that has you confused. Read a section of the newspaper you have never looked at before. Pick up a non-fiction book about someone you admire.  Every day there is something new to learn and someone new to learn from.  An open parachute could save your life in the right circumstances.  An open mind just may do the same.