There are Three Sides to Every Story

Because of my speaking business, I travel a great deal.  Sometimes it is pleasant and exciting, sometimes it is not.  I have learned over the years to go with the flow and not get too stressed about any “travel hiccups” that may occur.  My traveling actually gives me an incredible opportunity to watch people.

This past week I observed a situation that brought to mind my belief that there are three sides to every story: yours, mine and the truth.  While waiting to board a plane in Philadelphia I struck up a conversation with a man whose flight itinerary was identical to mine.  We were both heading home to Kansas City, through Cleveland.  We exchanged the pleasantries of what we each do for a living and surface level discussions of our favorite (or least favorite) sports teams.  He boarded the plane before I did as I was seated in the very first row.

Once in Cleveland we ended up in step with each other again, heading for our connecting gate and he was eager to get my opinion of the flight attendant on the previous flight.

“Boy, that gal sure could have used some of your communication training, eh?”

I thought I knew what he probably meant, but I wanted to be sure.  “How so?”

“Well she sure wouldn’t get a tip in a restaurant.  In fact, she was a down right (expletive deleted).”

Now, this gal was not in anyway soft and cuddly to begin with.  She had a heavy Brooklyn accent and her speech patterns were fast and clipped.  Being farther back on the plane, though, he did not have the benefit of the knowledge I had. 

Sitting as I was in the very first row, I overheard a telephone conversation the flight attendant had just before closing the cabin door.  Her 16 year old son had called her – it appeared that this was his first faux pas.  The conversation went downhill from there.  He apparently had taken their only car to run an errand that day and something had happened to it.  I am not clear on those details.  The point of the conversation though was that this young man had called a friend to pick him up and left the car on the side of the road from where it was apparently towed.  He had gone back with his friend to retrieve something from the vehicle and it was no longer there.  He had no idea where the car was at that point.

The flight attendant was beside herself.  “Do you have any IDEA what towing in the city costs?  I don’t have that kind of money and neither do you.”  She expressed to him, quite forcefully, that he had better find out where the car had been towed and what it was going to take to get the car back.  She would call him when we landed in Cleveland and he had better have some answers by then.  We commiserated a bit, she and I, about how our kids “just don’t get it” and about how tight finances are for all of us.

I shared this information with the man as we walked to our connecting gate.  I said, “Can you imagine having to focus on taking care of us, while worrying about how much the towing and citation is going to cost her?  I think that may have something to do with her clipped tone.”

“Wow,” he said, “I had no idea.  I’d kill the kid.”  (I’m sure he wasn’t serious.)  “I sure hope it doesn’t cost her an arm and a leg.”

Suddenly the man had empathy for the flight attendant, rather than being so quick to label her derogatorily.

There is an old Hopi adage that my mother used to share with me: “One can’t truly know a man until he has walked a mile in that man’s moccasins.”  My spontaneous traveling partner for the trip simply needed to step into the flight attendant’s shoes for a moment to be able to forgive her seemingly poor customer service.

Several of the blogs I subscribe to have recently been bemoaning poor customer service.  Without a doubt, customer service is important.  I would be eager to share with my colleagues (and indeed have to two of them) that the cause of that customer service may be deeper than a perceived lack of work ethic.  Perhaps walking a mile in their shoes would reveal that.

There are three sides to every story.  The man’s side: he received service on the flight that was surly at best.  The flight attendant’s side: she was totally overwhelmed by the thought of the impending expense and her son’s incredible lack of responsibility.  The truth of the matter during that flight lays somewhere between these two realities.

High Road Challenge for the Day:  The next time you receive poor customer service, ask yourself the question, “What might have happened just before I arrived, that would cause this poor service?”  It may need to be a hypothetical question.  If convenient and appropriate, you might ask, in a respectful manner.  “You know, the service I received today is not up to the standard that I have come to expect from you (this establishment).  Tell me, is there something distracting you today?”  Endeavor to walk a mile in their shoes so you can see the other two sides of the story.

Can you SEE it? Success is between your ears!

Several years ago I had the opportunity to interview a woman who had been crowned the Queen of Recruiting for her division in Mary Kay Cosmetics that year.  That was quite an accomplishment for her – one that she had been working toward for many years.  Part of her recognition at the annual awards convention was concentrated stage time for both her and her family, as well as roughly 15 carats worth of diamond jewelry.  I wanted to pick her brain and find out every secret she had to share with me about achieving one’s goals. 

Before we dug into the details of how she did it, I wanted to know what it felt like to be on stage and sit on that throne with 20,000 people applauding you.  “It actually wasn’t that big a deal that night,” she said, “because I have ‘lived’ it so many times in my head.  For over three years I have visualized every minute detail of the award’s ceremony.  I knew the color of dress I would wear and how I would fix my hair.  I saw myself escorted down the long stairway as a member of the top three.  At the foot of the stairs, I saw myself greeted by my National Sales Director and brought down to center stage.  I knew exactly what it would look like gazing out over the arena as they called the second runner-up’s name (not mine), and then the first runner-up’s name (also not mine).”  She went on to share her visualization with me down to the finest detail.  Then she said, “I believe that is the reason I actually achieved it – because I could see it.  Of course I worked hard to get there, but equally important was the fact that I could believe it, because I could see it.”

Last week I shared with you the need for CLEAR goals.  A second, equally important factor in the process of achieving those goals is the ability to visualize them.  You must be able to see yourself accomplishing them.  I often quote Dr. Stephen Covey, who wrote The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.  With his habit number two, Covey encourages us to “begin with the end in mind.”  This is so important because if you don’t know where you are going you won’t know how to get there.  Furthermore, if you don’t know where you are going, you won’t know when you’ve arrived!

High Road challenge for the day: As you establish your goals, take the time to dream and conjure up a mental picture of what it will be like when you achieve it.  What will it look like, feel like, sound like, and smell like?  Create a mental movie for yourself, directing it the way you want it to be.  You can begin broadly.  Then each time you play the movie for yourself you can add detail to it.  Take time every day to envision your success.  Play the movie for yourself every morning, so it is the first thing your subconscious focuses on to begin your day.  Play it again for yourself each night before you go to bed, so it is the last thing your subconscious focuses on before you go to sleep.  Visualizing your goals as already achieved is a critical factor in actually achieving them.

Man can only receive what he sees himself receiving.  - Florence Scovel Shinn

#Tiger Woods Apology

“If it is to be, it is up to me.” 

I can’t tell you how many times I repeated that to myself as I worked through my recovery from eating disorders.  This is the sentiment I heard from Tiger Woods in his statement this morning.

There has been so much speculation in the media of late about what seems to be a “sexy” or “intriguing” addiction: sex addiction.  Addiction is addiction and can focus on any focal point: alcohol, drugs, food, fame, sex.  There was also a great deal of speculation about what makes “a good apology.”  Good Morning America did a whole piece this morning about famous apologies of past. 

This is what I heard that gives me hope for the man (and I am paraphrasing sentiment here, not quoting):

1) It is MY fault.  I did it.  My behavior was wrong and I am responsible for it.

Recovering and taking the initial steps back up onto the High Road always begin with admitting total responsibility for your own actions.

2) I have come to recognize the importance of faith and will be relying on that faith.

As I mention in my book, faith MATTERS.  Believing in and relying on something that is greater than yourself is critical to climbing onto and staying on the High Road.

3) I have a long way to go and I am putting all my effort into continuing this journey.

He did not say, “I’m better now, let’s put all this behind us.”  Recovery is a process, not a destination, and the fact that he is going back into on-going treatment speaks volumes about his commitment to make it stick.

4) I am asking for forgiveness, and I am asking that each of you that I have disappointed try to find a way to believe in me again.

Recovery is a group effort.  No one does it alone.  Recognizing that he is not strong enough to pull this off on his own is important.

5) My apology to Elin will come not in words, but in my behavior as we move forward.

Recognizing this is HUGE.  One of the adages that I live by specifies, “What you are doing speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say.”  Wood’s behavior from here forward will be the true barometer of his recovery.

There is no one currently on the planet that was born on the High Road.  Each person has to find their path there themselves. Furthermore, everyone falls off now and then, and has to atone for their mistakes.  Some are private slips from which one may easily recover.  Some are public, catastrophic, flaming nose-dives.   Whether large or small, true High Road role-models learn from those mistakes and climb back up onto the High Road stronger and better than before.

For Tiger Woods, time will tell.