Are you Assertive or Persuasive? - Part 2

                 
My last blog highlighted the question, “From a High Road perspective, which characteristic do you feel is more effective — to be assertive or to be persuasive?” I espoused that both characteristics are necessary to lead from a High Road perspective.


I took that opportunity to share The Four Keys to Persuasion. Today I focus on assertiveness.
According to the Oxford English Dictionary, to assert is to: “state an opinion, claim a right, or establish authority. If you assert yourself, you behave in a way that expresses your confidence, importance or power and earns you respect from others.”


As my regular readers know, High Road Communicators always endeavor to:

1. provide a communication environment where all people feel comfortable and respected in their presence

2. stand their own ground, and

3. get their message across in clear and simple terms.

It is important to attempt to see things from another’s perspective without compromising your own needs. Being able to advocate for yourself without being disrespectful or intimidating cultivates a stronger self-image and helps garner you respect from others.


Assertive communication bears six hallmarks, distinctive characteristics you won’t find in passive or aggressive communication.

• Congruent, non-threatening body language – You are always saying something, whether you are speaking or not. Make sure you are communicating the message you desire with your non-verbal indicators and that you are not contradicting yourself. A non-verbal message that is assertive is neutral, squared and centered. It is not convex, aggressive or bristling, nor is it concave, closed off or defensive. Assertive body language indicates confidence and openness.

• An inviting vocal tone – Communicating in a softer, yet confident tone allows others to focus on your message rather than your tone of voice. Renowned communication author and trainer, Michelle Poley recommends a “pass the butter” voice (the tone you would use at the dinner table when asking someone to pass the butter). For the most part that involves a slightly softer volume, lower pitch and slower pace.


• “I” statements – One of the best ways to communicate assertively is to construct your verbal position by using an abundance of “I statements.” “I statements” begin with “I” (rather than “you”) and are not aggressive, accusatory or defensive. Rather than ranting, “You make me so mad!” you might say, “I am angry with you. Rather than saying, “You are always late,” you might say, “I expect you to be on time.”


• Clarity and conciseness – Assertive communicators stay on topic and are able to get to the point. Hemming and hawing or avoiding your point will brand you a passive communicator, while ranting and raving mark you as aggressive.


• Positive focus – People who are assertive keep their focus on the positive rather than dwelling on the negative aspect of a situation. Assertiveness requires a certain measure of optimism.


• A message that is well thought out – A final guideline for communicating assertively is to think before you speak. When I was a child, my mother consistently admonished me, saying, “Activate your brain before you engage your mouth.” Before you speak always ask yourself, “Is what I’m about to say true, kind and necessary?”


High Road Challenge for the Day – Think back on a conversation that did not go well for you. Were you communicating assertively? Take some time in anticipation of an upcoming conversation and devise a strategy that will incorporate each of the assertive characteristics mentioned. Then practice them to ensure the conversation comes out the way you want.

Are you Assertive or Persuasive?

               
During a session I did this week on Leading from the High Road, I found myself mediating a very engaging debate between two participants. The question I had thrown out for discussion was, “From a High Road perspective, which characteristic do you feel is more effective — to be assertive or to be persuasive?” I allowed them to verbally duke it out for a bit before I jumped back in to guide the resolution of the conversation.


The conclusion that I guided them to is – both. I believe it is important to be assertive and persuasive simultaneously. These complimentary characteristics must both be in play to lead productively from a High Road perspective.


As I have mentioned here before, you must be assertive in your communication to be effective. If you are passive, others will steamroll over you. If you are aggressive, you will repel more people than you attract. Truly successful leaders and communicators are consistently assertive. Next week I’ll offer some suggestions on how to communicate assertively; today I want to focus on persuasion.


According to Dictionary.com, persuasion is “the ability to prevail on someone to do something, either by advising or urging.” It’s a trickier skill to master than assertiveness. There are four factors that are essential to being persuasive— I call them my Four Keys to Persuasion.


1. Build rapport first – Establish a relationship at some level as quickly as possible. This allows the other person to see you as an ally immediately. Then, when you need to offer them negative feedback, ask them to make a change or do something in a specific manner, they are less likely to be argumentative, defensive or resistant. People won’t care how much you know until they know how much you care. Every human being on Earth has an invisible sign hanging around their neck that says “Make me feel important.” Read the sign. Build rapport first.



2. Tell them what’s in it for them – Your second key to persuasion involves the proverbial WIIFM – “what’s in it for me?” On that invisible sign everyone has around their neck, underneath the great big letters that say “make me feel important” are little-bitty letters that say “and what’s in it for me?” Give them the “what’s in it for them.” How’s it going to benefit them to improve their performance? How’s it going to benefit them to make that change or do things as you want them done? Frankly, they don’t care how it’s going to benefit you — they do care how’s it’s going to benefit them.



3. Maintain two-way communication – No one likes to be talked at. Everyone appreciates being communicated with. Make sure that communication is flowing well in both directions. This means you need to listen as much, or more than you speak. Listening is the most under-utilized, under-appreciated, under-practiced communication skill – and yet it is crucial. In business, as in life, people feel drawn toward people they believe are listening to them – and tend to discount people they believe are not listening to them. As a High Road Communicator, you want that inertia in your favor. Besides, every human being that I have met thus far in my life was born with two ears and only one mouth. The challenge is remembering to use them in correct proportion! You need to make sure you are listening as much or more than you’re talking.



4. Get their input – People will support that which they helped to create, so get their input. You don’t have to act on every piece of input you get – although if you’re smart, you’ll act on as much of it as you can. Otherwise you’ll build a reputation as someone who is just doing lip-service to gathering input. Get the input every time; act on it when you can.


These Four Keys to Persuasion, when combined with consistent assertive communication, will give you a good start on leading from the High Road.


High Road Challenge for the Day: Think of a time when someone “persuaded” you to do something different than you had planned to do. Did they use Four Keys to Persuasion, or did they steamroll you into submission? Identify how you would use the Four Keys to Persuasion to achieve a similar goal.

Got prejudice?

        

“We are each burdened with prejudice; against the poor or the rich, the smart or the slow, the gaunt or the obese.  It is natural to develop prejudices.  It is noble to rise above them.”  ~Author Unknown


Having settled in for a week with the kids home from college, I had the opportunity last night to enjoy a meal around the table with my whole family. (It’s a very rare treat lately.)  The conversation that grows out of our dinners is always intriguing and refreshing.  Last night’s discourse centered on a perceived prejudice that has arisen with one of my daughter’s friends.  This created a lively discussion about what exactly is prejudice, as compared to cultural norms and practices.

Dictionary.com defines prejudice as: “unreasonable feelings, opinions, or attitudes, esp. of a hostile nature, regarding a racial, religious, or national group.” 

I would go beyond that dictionary characterization.  My definition of prejudice (just mine) is any negative feeling toward anyone who looks, thinks, believes, behaves, speaks, dresses, smells, moves or functions differently than I do – any negative feeling toward anyone who is different because they are different. 

As I have mentioned here before and discuss in Road Signs, our goal as High Road communicators is to allow all people to feel comfortable and respected in our presence, while standing our own ground and getting our message across.  In my experience, prejudice is insidious. The negative feelings I used  for my definition of prejudice often originate from understandable circumstances, but slowly take root and grow out of control until the original reasoning is lost. At that point, it becomes each individual’s choice to continue to grant  those feelings control, or to instead choose the high road in order to allow feelings of mutual respect and comfort, which in turn brings about all the benefits of High Road communication.

Here are four steps that will help you choose to travel on the right road.

1.    Investigate your differences – Dr. Stephen Covey, who wrote the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, encourages us to seek first to understand, then to be understood.  That means our job as High Road communicators (the natural extension of our goal) is to meet who we are communicating with at his or her comfort zone – not assume they will meet us at ours.  It is our responsibility to investigate, accept and internalize the differences between us.

2.   Change your perspective – Hopefully investigating your differences will allow you to step into the other person’s shoes and see things from a different paradigm.  Doing so can allow you to empathize with them.  Empathy is a very strong antidote for prejudice.

3.    Modify your reaction – There is a profound difference between reaction and response.  Reaction is emotional, visceral, knee-jerk.  Response requires thought.  When in the presence of someone against whom we have a prejudice (for whatever reason) there is usually a conditioned, physiological reaction.  Hopefully working through these first two steps will allow you to change that conditioned reaction.

4.    Discipline your response – If doing these steps hasn't allowed you to change your reaction and see the person on a more equal ground, I encourage you to discipline your response. Verify that each of your proposed actions and/or words would be equal to situations where no prejudice is involved.


High Road Challenge for the Day – When your gut instinct tells you to perceive someone negatively because they are different in any way, stop.  Work through these steps.  The key to High Road communicating is not to be completely without prejudice.  The key is communicating in a manner such that no one would ever know.

Your Words are Like Toothpaste

       

I recently had the opportunity to teach conflict management skills to at-risk teens for a major urban Boys and Girls Club. It was an exciting challenge.

I segued into a new section with them by throwing out some famous statements (or misstatements) and asking if they could tell me who said them. I was not surprised to discover that, even though some of the statements were quite classic, most of the teens knew who had said them and in what context. They included:


“Read my lips: no new taxes.”

“I am not a crook.”

“If the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”

“Can’t we all just get along?”

“I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

“Mission accomplished.”


(and more recently…)

“I’d like my life back.”

“I am not a witch.”


I then gave each of them a cocktail-sized paper plate and a travel-sized tube of toothpaste. I said, “For this next exercise we’ll need some toothpaste. So, let’s get some toothpaste out on the plates.” I watched as some of them squeezed the entire tube onto their plate. Some people doled out more conservative piles. There were some pea-sized dollops. I waited until everyone had toothpaste on their plate and then I said, “Dang! I forgot. That’s not this exercise, it’s the next exercise. Okay…. We don’t want the toothpaste to go to waste, so let’s put it back in the tubes for now.”


They looked at me as if I had suddenly sprouted two extra heads. I said “What? You can’t do that? Well, of course you can’t. Once the toothpaste is out of its tube, it’s out. Your words are the much same way— once they leave your mouth… (The new section was a section on mouth management, of course…)


It is important to understand that our words are like toothpaste. Anything and everything we utter is permanently attached to us because it came out of our mouths. We’ve all seen lawyer shows on TV where the attorney asks a question, the other lawyer objects, and the original lawyer says “withdrawn.” She or he knows the damage has been done, and even if the jury is told to disregard something, that’s incredibly hard to do. How many times have you heard someone say something in anger, then apologize profusely and say “I didn’t mean it”? The hurt feelings don’t go away—they linger, even when forgiveness is offered.


This is why High Road communication is so crucial.

High Road Challenge for the Day:

As Dr. Stephen Covey recommends in his Seven Habits of Highly Effective People (habit #1), be proactive about what comes out of your mouth.

Before you speak, ask yourself:

• Is what I’m about to say true?

• Is it kind?

• Is it necessary?

• Would I want this statement attached to my name permanently?


and temper your words accordingly.

Is My Office-Mate an Alien?

                                                  
“It’s like my office-mate is a Martian or something,” was the lament of the gal in the third row. “We just never seem to be speaking the same language.”



Chances are, her office-mate is not an extra-terrestrial. They just aren’t synchronized in their communication.


I’ve expressed before that our goal as High Road communicators is to allow all people to feel comfortable and respected in our presence, while standing our own ground and getting our message across. With that goal in mind, then our job is to meet who we are communicating with at his or her comfort zone, not assume they are going to meet us at ours – or even meet us half way.  Adapting in this way allows us to offer information in a manner that is easy for the recipient to absorb and act upon, keeping us in sync more often.


Flexing ourselves to someone else’s communication comfort zone is a skill that can be developed and honed. I encourage you (just as I encouraged that gal in the third row) to begin by focusing on the following questions:


• Is this person a morning person or an afternoon person? Try to have the most important and meaningful conversations during their peak periods, when they are firing on all mental cylinders.


• Is this person naturally fast paced or more methodical? Mirror their pace in your communication. If they are naturally face paced, speed up, cut to the chase, summarize first. If they are naturally more methodical than you are, slow it down so they can absorb and process what you are saying at their own speed.


• Is this person relationship oriented or results oriented? You will want to focus on either the personal aspects of the subject or merely the facts depending on which way they naturally lean.


• What generation does this person fall into? For the first time in American history there are four generations in the workforce, and each generation has different emotional drivers. Do your research and adapt your communication to fill the generation-related motivational needs of the recipient.


• Does this person have masculine or feminine communication tendencies? Those with masculine communication characteristics tend to “report” – to give or get information. They talk about facts. Those with feminine characteristics communicate to build rapport and strengthen relationships. They talk about feelings. Flex yourself to their gender style when necessary.


• Is this person under undue pressure or on deadline? Be respectful of their work load and deadlines, as you would want them to be of yours.


This communication flexing may seem cumbersome at first, but the beneficial results make it well worth the effort. With practice it becomes easier and you will find yourself adapting automatically without thinking about it.

Do You Demand Respect or Earn it?

       
During a series of presentations I did this past week, I became engaged in two discussions on separate sides of the same issue.  On the first day I was presenting to general staff members and on the second to the organization’s leadership team.  The point that came up in both conversations was that of someone demanding respect, rather than earning it.  On the first day I had several staff members who felt they could not respect their manager for various and sundry reasons.   On the second, I had a manager (yes, the same manager) who felt their staff was not respectful to them as a supervisor.

I have often encountered persons in management who assume that respect should come automatically as a result of their position.  This is a short-sighted leadership vision.  Positional respect is shallow and temporary.  Meaningful respect does not come by virtue of the position one holds.  True, significant respect must be earned.

I admonished the staff members on the first day to treat their manager with respect, regardless of whether they feel any actual respect for the person.  Furthermore I encouraged them to re-open their minds and acknowledge what their manager is doing well.  I suggested they give their manager the opportunity to earn their respect from here forward.

Here is the essence of the recommendations I made to the manager as to how they could begin earning the respect of their staff:

•    Pillars of Serenity – most specifically the respect pillar.  In order to be respected, we must first treat others with respect – regardless of whether we like what they think, say or do.  Lead by example on this and model the respectful behavior you wish they would exhibit.

•    Maintain integrity – Do what is right every time, because it’s right – whether anyone is looking or not.  There is no fudging on this.

•    Educate yourself daily – Once we stop learning we start dying.  You don’t have to know everything.  You do have to stay on top of trends, legalities and changes in your organization and industry.

•    Delegate to capable others – Allow your staff to take on responsibilities that give them opportunity for growth.  Once you have delegated, give them the space and authority to carry out those tasks.  Do not micro-manage.

•    Allow them to shine – Be willing to step aside and let your staff shine.  Sometimes it’s a leader’s job to stand in the shadows and allow the spotlight to focus on their team.

•    Be supportive, not competitive – Offer support, mentoring and encouragement to others.  You’re in the position you hold because someone supported and mentored you.  Give back to others in kind.  Their success does not discount you or your success in any way.


These are initial steps that can be taken to begin earning respect from your team.  I’m interested in hearing from others.  What do you find important factors in earning respect?

Releasing Perfectionism

“Lauren, I was in the audience at your presentation last week. You said something that caused me to write a note in the margin of my notebook: ‘release perfectionism.’ This is something that I really struggle with and I know my perfectionism paralyzes me sometimes. You seem to have managed your perfectionism. Can you tell me how you do it?”    Sandra O.



Sandra,

This is such a timely question for me! I was discussing this subject with one of my mentors just this week.


I have certainly struggled (and still struggle) the paralysis that often accompanies perfectionism. I’ve felt conflicted by competing influences – one that says “It doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to be done,” – another that says “If it’s not done right, why are you doing it at all?” (Sometimes those influences are external - sometimes they are internal.) “Managing” our perfectionism is an on-going process for those of us plagued with the perfection virus.


So let’s start with a baseline premise. I would venture to say that as a perfectionist, your perception of “acceptable” or “adequate” is often what others would consider “well done.” (I understand that we of this ilk would often rather be dead than “adequate,” but follow me on this…) So if your “adequate” matches others’ “well done,” nine times out of ten, by your very nature, you are inherently producing a quality result.


Here are other factors that help me on an on-going basis:


• Pillars of Serenity – In Road Signs on the High Road of Life, I introduced the concept of the two Pillars of Serenity that keep us grounded and peaceful in our daily walk, one being your own self-esteem, the other being respect to all people. The pillar most relevant for this discussion is self-esteem. We perfectionists tend to place our value in the quality of, or others’ perception of, the quality of our work. It’s crucial to remember that your value is inherent in the fact that you exist. It’s not in any way related to the work you do.

• Settle for excellence – Even though we strive for perfection, we understand that achieving it is impossible. Therefore, it’s important to settle for and accept excellence as an alternative.

• Internal dialog – I have found that we perfectionists are some of the only people capable of stealing our own joy. Regardless of how amazing our performance might have been, we always tell ourselves, “I could have done it better.” Instead, it’s important to shift that mental dialog to something like “I did an excellent job.”

• Growth framework – You could have always “done it better” – because in truth no one is perfect. Yet, with every effort you are getting better. Perfectionists rarely, if ever, make the same mistake twice, so with every effort you are growing and improving. As long as you are growing and improving, then with every effort you are on target for that perfection you desire. Allowing yourself to be on target for perfection gives you a mental framework wherein you can always feel good about yourself. Make sure you allow yourself that mental framework.


These are some of the things I focus on to assist me in working through my perfectionism. I’m interested to hear from others. What factors help you in overcoming perfectionism paralysis?

Knowing When to Let Go

  
It’s happening this week in households across America.  Most specifically, it’s happening this week in my household.  We are packing books, clothes, and dormitory supplies into the car.  Everything else, eighteen years of accumulated, memory-laden “stuff” has been sorted through, cataloged and stored in the basement.  On Wednesday, we will drive our youngest to college and release him into the next chapter of his life.  The mother in me is tied in wretched, emotional knots.  The leader in me knows this is a wonderful and appropriate rite of passage.

Living in the Heartland of America, I have the opportunity to observe the flight of geese twice each year as they make their annual migration south and then north again.  I hear the honking call, and even though I’ve seen it dozens of times. I look up and marvel at their familiar “V” formation.

While my jokester husband will tell you, with a completely straight face, that geese fly in a “V” because it would be too hard to fly in an “S” pattern, there is actually a purpose to the “V” formation they fly in.  First, it conserves their energy. Each bird flies slightly above the bird in front of him, resulting in a reduction of wind resistance. The birds take turns being in the front, falling back when they get tired. This is why the geese can fly extremely long distances before they must stop to rest.  A second benefit to the V formation is that it is easy to keep track of every bird in the group. Flying in formation may assist with the communication and coordination within the group.  Fighter pilots often use this formation for the same reason.  I find this instinctual flight arrangement to be a wonderful, visual representation of a leader’s role within a team. 

In many ways, parenting is the ultimate leadership challenge.  As a parent, I have always endeavored model leadership characteristics for my children, leading by example. Part of true leadership is the ability to recognize when your student, neophyte or child is ready to stand on their own – knowing when they are ready to take the lead and clear their own path for themselves.  Furthermore, a leader must be willing to step into the background at that point and let their pupil stumble a few times while gaining their own stride.

Sometimes it is the leader’s job to be out front, breaking the force of the wind, so as to make the flight of entire team easier.  Other times it is the responsibility of the leader to drop back into the background and honk to cheer the team on, “Go! You can do it.  Go! You can do it.”

This week my role as a leader in the life of my son becomes one of support from the shadows.  Making that transition involves giving up a measure of control and trusting that he has all the skills and character he needs to succeed.  From the background I must now stand and infuse belief into him when his faith in himself falters.  “Go, son!  You can do it.”

High Road Challenge for the Day:  Determine who in your circle of influence you might be holding onto, that could, or should, be released to stand on his or her own merit.  Who is ready to take the lead on a project?  Who can you give more responsibility to?  Part of this process is providing a safe environment for failure, which seems easier to do in a family situation than it would be for a work environment, where dollars and customer base are on the table.  Yet in a work environment it is equally critical for the overall growth of a team.  Believe in them enough to let them wobble a bit.  Stand ready in the background as a cheering section, but let them fly.

Take This Job and Shove It!

 

Take this job and shove it!  This is the sentiment expressed through the actions (if not the exact words, which I will not repeat) of JetBlue Flight Attendant Steven Slater this past week.  Since his dramatic, and much publicized departure from the airplane via the emergency chute, beers in hand, Slater has become a bit of a folk-hero for anyone profoundly frustrated with their job.

When thinking about writing on this subject initially, I was actually quite conflicted.  Slater’s actions were unprofessional and broke several JetBlue policies as well as FAA regulations.  That is nothing to condone, even if one can empathize with his feelings.  On the other hand, I wondered about the passenger that allegedly sparked his tirade.  Standing up and attempting to retrieve your luggage while on an active taxiway is also breaking FAA regulations.  I wondered what, if anything, is being done to prosecute her?  In researching this incident, I could not find any solid reporting on the passenger in question. Indeed there are many differing accounts of what actually happened before and after the flight.  As someone who flies for business a great deal, I certainly have seen my share of rude, self-centric passengers – as well as fatigued, snippy flight attendants.  Luckily, in my experience, both are the exception, not the norm.

This, if nothing else, is clear about this incident: neither the allegedly offending passenger nor Steven Slater was in emotional control that day.  If you are not in emotional control you are completely ineffective.  While it is very probable that the passenger’s behavior was inappropriate and perhaps abusive, she was not on-duty and representing a company (JetBlue), an industry and the FAA.  Slater was representing all of those entities at the time.  In as much, he should have taken steps to regain his emotional control before taking any action at all.  His actions will probably cost him any future in aviation as well as federal prosecution. Taking a step back to think and regain his perspective could have prevented the hardship that is inevitably in his future – public sympathy not withstanding.

High Road Challenge for the Day:  When you are brought to the brink of your emotional control and you feel like you just want to “take this job (this relationship, this co-worker, this committee) and shove it,” take a step back.  Try some of these techniques instead:

•    Breathe – When we are in stressful situations, we often forget to breathe.  This creates an oxygen deprivation in the brain.  Adrenalin kicks in at that point to compensate for that deprivation.  The combination of oxygen deprivation and adrenalin triggers animal instinct, which manifests itself in the “fight or flight” syndrome.  The best way to counteract “fight or flight” is to short-circuit the adrenalin.  The quickest means to that end is to get oxygen to the brain.  Breathing is the most under-appreciated and under-utilized stress reduction technique.  Furthermore, it’s available to every human being for free!

•    Take a break – If you find yourself hanging on to your emotional control by your very last thread, walk away from the situation.  Have an exit line that works for you and remove yourself from the situation before you fall off of that emotional cliff.  You might say something like, “I find that I am not objective in this situation.  I need a moment to pull myself together.  Let’s revisit this in ten minutes.”

•    Count 10 blessings – Most people have heard the tried and true recommendation of counting to 10.  I recommend you count 10 blessings.  I challenge you to count 10 blessings in your life and still be emotionally aggravated.  I find it works like a charm.

•    Affirmation for the moment – Have an affirmation that works for you memorized and ready to kick in when things become tense.  Something that will be playing in the back of your head, speaking to your subconscious, that keeps you in emotional control.  It might be something like, “I am always calm and confident in stressful situations.”  It might be, “Nothing this person says or does can push my buttons.”  Write something that works for you.  Make sure it is posed in the positive, it is present tense and spoken as if the goal is achieved.  Then memorize it so you can retrieve it and play it like a looping tape in the back of your mind to keep yourself in emotional control.

Tell me, what other tactics have you found that work for you in maintaining your emotional control?

What have you done for me lately?

 .

“Why should I do anything nice for her?  She’s never done anything nice for me.”  A participant asked this question of me this week.  I was discussing the benefits of “priming the pump” – of practicing random acts of kindness.

It is a normal and natural reaction to want to offer a kindness to someone who has been nice to you or offered you a kindness.  It is more challenging to do something nice for someone who has not done anything nice, or has, in fact, been difficult with you.  This was the point I was making to the group this week.  If someone is exhibiting difficult behavior, one exceptional tactic to turn that behavior around is to greet it with random acts of kindness.  The key here is not that they will then do something nice for you in return.  It is about not expecting anything in return.  The focus should not be on what they do, but rather on what you do. 

There is a well-worn adage communicated by that universal sage, “Mom” that specifies, “You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.”  That concept is so true.  If you are struggling with someone, do them a favor.  Do something nice for them.  It will be very hard for you to remain disgruntled with them after you have sincerely and humbly done something nice for them while expecting nothing in return.  My answer to the participant was, “It doesn’t matter what she had done for you.  Lead by example and do something nice for her.”

This is what “priming the pump” is about: giving without thought of what you will get back.  It breaks down barriers.  It makes people smile and it has a tendency to be self-perpetuating.  

High Road Challenge for the Day:  “Prime the pump” in your office or place of business. Execute a random act of kindness.  You can plan it out in advance, or let it be spontaneous. 

Here are some quick ideas:

•    Take an hour out of your normal routine and assist someone else with their work load.
•    Buy lunch for a co-worker you know will be working over their lunch hour.
•    Bring some sweets or cookies and place them anonymously in the break room.
•    Physically go to all the people who really mean something to you at work and thank them.  (Do this face-to-face, not by email.)
•    Randomly ask someone with whom you have little interaction if you can make them a cup of tea or coffee.

These are just some ideas to get your mind rolling.  I know you can come up with more terrific ideas.  I would love to hear back from you.  How did you “prime the pump”?  What was the reaction?  How did it make you feel?  I will be excited to hear about it.

A Rush to Judgement

 .

I was guilty.  There is no getting around it - I was guilty this week of a rush to judgment, as was most of the nation, the NAACP, the USDA and the White House. 

Early in the week a video snippet was posted by conservative blogger Andrew Breitbart.  He intended to highlight racism within the NAACP.  This video supposedly showed a USDA official, Shirley Sherrod (a black woman, addressing a gathering of the NAACP at the time of her remarks) admitting to racism in her decisions and dealings with a white farmer.  The outcry was loud and lightning quick.  The NAACP issued a statement condemning Sherrod.  The USDA accepted her (forced) resignation.  The story was carried on all of the major cable and broadcast news networks, print and radio. President Obama issued a statement condemning the sentiment.  I, along with the many others who expressed shock and outrage, was alarmed that such a statement could be made by anyone, much less a government official, in a public forum that was obviously being videotaped.

No one took the time to actually speak to Shirley Sherrod or ask her for an explanation of her comments – until later.

In subsequent interviews on CNN, Shirley Sherrod expressed frustration and bewilderment because the point she had actually been making in the address was that she had overcome this initial, gut reaction to the white farmer and had helped him save his farm.  She went above and beyond the call of duty in the effort because no one else was there and willing to help. She utilized the story to encourage harmony and working together, regardless of race.

News agencies took the time, at that point, to do some research and listen to Ms. Sherrod’s entire address in context.  As it turns out, this is the message she expressed in the speech she gave to the NAACP that day.  The farmer referred to in the piece made a public statement supporting Sherrod and referring to her as a dear friend.  Suddenly the tables had been turned on everyone.  NAACP President Benjamin Jealous issued an apology to Sherrod, saying his organization had been “snookered” by the group editing the video.  The President apologized and the USDA backpedaled by offering Sherrod a new position within the agency. 

Shirley Sherrod has yet to decide if she will accept the new position offered her.  She seems to be the only one in this situation who takes time to think things through.

There has also been a quick backlash against Breitbart  for the seemingly manipulative edit done on the video in the first place.  Breitbart has expressed this was not about Sherrod.  It was intended to highlight (in his opinion) racism within the NAACP by showing the supportive response Sherrod received to her initial thoughts toward this white farmer.  I think I have learned a very valuable lesson in all of this and will withhold a judgment on Breitbart's motives until I have more information.

It is never wise to rush to any judgment.  As I have mentioned here before – and I express in my book – there are three sides to every story: yours, mine and the truth.  It is very important to look at a situation from all sides before making a determination about it.

High Road Challenge for the Day:  If you were caught up in this whirlwind of controversy, you can see just how easy it is to make snap decisions. Take a few minutes to think back over the past couple of weeks to a time when you made a similar rush to judgment. Was it with a family member? A store clerk? A driver who wasn’t meeting your standards for highway etiquette? Remember the importance of considering their side of the story before drawing a conclusion. And if there’s a situation in which it’s both appropriate and possible to make amends, I gently encourage you to take the high road and do so. 

You're not listening to me...

.
“You’re not listening to me!”  The conflict between two colleagues was beginning to escalate.  I heard the exchange described to me in one of my sessions.  “He always says that. ‘You’re not listening.’  It makes me crazy,” the participant groaned.

Because my approach to communication is a bit different than most, my recommendation to this attendee was not what he expected.  I believe that our goal, as communicators, is three-fold: first, to allow all people to feel comfortable and respected in our presence, while second, standing our own ground and third, getting our message across.  Most communication training comes from the opposite direction and specifies the most important factor in communication to be getting our point across – to be clear.  I believe someone can clearly communicate their message and still leave “dead bodies” behind them as they do business, which is not optimum.  That is why I approach it from the High Road perspective and place our primary objective on allowing all people to feel comfortable and respected in our presence, while we are standing our own ground and getting our message across.

Approaching the situation from this paradigm, my response to the participant was this: “If he is consistently saying that to you, he’s right.  Because what he is really saying is, ‘I believe you are not listening to me,’ which means as a communicator, you have missed the primary objective.”

If someone says to you, “You’re not listening to me.” I recommend you discipline yourself away from the potential knee-jerk response that will most likely come out of your mouth: “Yes I am!”  Instantaneously this puts you on the defensive and in an adversarial position.  Instead, I encourage you to follow a High Road, three-step process to clarification.

1.    Step one: Offer an empathy statement.  It might be something like, “I’m sorry that you might feel that way.”  Acknowledge and empathize with how the other person is feeling.

2.    Step two has two possible directions:

a.    If you were actually listening to them, then paraphrase back what you just heard.  You might say something like, “Let me share with you what I just heard…,” or “My understanding is you meant this…”  The value of reflective paraphrasing is that it allows the other person to grasp that you really did “get” what they said.

b.    We have to acknowledge that sometimes, in certain situations, we really weren’t listening.  If that is the case, I encourage you to admit that and take responsibility for it. “You are right.  I wasn’t listening.  I apologize for that.  Please tell me again and I will listen attentively this time.”

3.    Step three: Whichever fork in the road you take at step two, step three is the same.  Ask the other person, sincerely and humbly, “What was I doing that caused you to believe I wasn’t listening to you?”  Then you can fix it for future growth.  Many people have habits, such as allowing their eyes to wander, doodling or scanning their Blackberry, that cause others to believe they aren’t listening.  This is a terrific opportunity to recognize such habits and adjust them for growth in this area.

Sometimes when someone says, “You’re not listening to me,” what they really mean is “You’re not agreeing with me.”  In such a situation, the first two steps remain the same.  The only adjustment happens in step three.  The direction step three would take at this point would be to clarify the difference between listening and agreeing. “I have heard and understand what you said.  I don’t agree with you.”  This validates the communication without having to validate the sentiment of that communication.

High Road Challenge for the Day: The next time someone says to you, “You’re not listening to me,” put this High Road, three-step process into action.  This will allow the other person to feel comfortable and respected in your presence.  That respect offered to them will then be reciprocated which will allow you to stand your own ground and get your message across.

Difficult Behaviors - Not Difficult People

 .

“She’s just so DIFFICULT!”  The participant in my session was beside herself when describing a colleague.
I was teaching a session on High Road Conflict Management.  During this session I often hear stories of how “difficult” someone’s co-worker is.  In such a situation, it is not my place to make a judgment about who is “right” or “wrong” in a particular – it’s my job to encourage people to stretch their thinking a bit and view the conflict from a different paradigm.

I am a firm believer that there are no difficult people – only difficult behaviors.  If you can’t separate a person from their behavior, you cripple your ability to treat them with respect.  I believe it is critical to treat all people with respect whether or not you like what they think, say or do.  Separating the person from their behavior allows you to address the issue without attacking the person.  (Allow me to clarify – there is a profound difference between respecting someone and treating them with respect.  I certainly have met people in my life who in no way whatsoever can I bring myself to respect.  That doesn’t mean I don’t choose to treat them respectfully. Separating the person from the behavior is what makes this possible.)

In order to be on the High Road and treat people with respect regardless of their behavior, one must first understand a basic underlying motivation: people who regularly exhibit difficult behaviors do so because it gets them what they want.  Every human being on earth, myself included, has learned by the age of two that bad behavior gets attention.

We all threw temper tantrums.  Most people grow out of them.  A rare few grow into them.  Then, as adults, those people realize that their bad behavior not only gets them attention, but makes someone else look and feel bad at the same time.  More often than not, the result is that they get what they want.

None of us have the power to change another person.  You can, however, change another person’s behavior.  You can change a difficult behavior by changing the results they receive for that behavior.  In order to change the results they receive, you need to plan ahead so you can respond to the behavior rather than react to it.

•    First, identify the specific behavior you find difficult to handle.  Do not focus on personality characteristics, such as “he’s so negative,” or “she doesn’t listen to anyone.”  Separate the person from the issue and identify the aggravating deed or habit. (“He always cuts me off before I’m finished,” or “She always makes a catty remark when people walk away.”)

•    Once you’ve accomplished that, you can determine what behavior you wish the person would exhibit instead of the one you find difficult to handle.  Start broadly if you must.  (Trust me, in my travels I have heard just about everything:  I wish this person would: eat worms and die, fall off a cliff, spontaneously combust, quit, take early retirement, just go away, just shut up…..)  Work through the extremes to release any venom that might have built up inside you, then narrow your choices down to one specific behavior you wish this person would adopt.

•    With these two steps accomplished you can set a plan to guide the person toward the alternative habits by adjusting the way you respond to their current behavior and therefore changing the results they receive for the behavior.

High Road Challenge for the Day:  Identify one specific person who seems to get under your skin more than others, then get a handle on the behavior that gets to you. Follow the steps I’ve outlined above to create a “battle plan” for your next interaction with him or her. And remember— this isn’t magic. It will take time, effort, and most of all, consistency to help bring about the change you desire. 

Priming the Pump in the Twilight Zone

.

While I was traveling home from a training swing this past week my flight was delayed out of Salt Lake City, causing me to miss my United Airlines connection in Denver.  There were no other flights out that night so I was forced to lay-over until the next day.  The earliest flight that had available seats to bring me home left Denver at 5:25 p.m. the next day.  (Is it just me?  It seems like I am always delayed and held-over at Denver Stapley airport… I am certain it is the portal to the Twilight Zone… but I digress.)

The following morning I contacted the travel department for my seminar company client to see if anything might have opened up to get me home any earlier.  The travel agent was able to book me one-way on a different carrier at 2:30 p.m.  That gained me three hours.  I was very grateful. 

I asked him why United was so heavily booked.  He said, “I don’t know.  It’s unusual.  In fact the flight you were rebooked on is completely full now.  There are no seats to be had on United out of Denver today at all.”

This got me thinking as I sat and watched people go by in the airport.  United could probably use the seat I would be giving up on the 5:25 flight.  I had a good 4 hours before my 2:30 flight was to board, so I headed off to find a United Customer Service counter.    I stepped into line behind about 12 people and began the waiting process.  Nothing happens quickly at a customer service counter and, unfortunately, everyone in line is struggling with some sort of inconvenience and therefore hovering somewhere in the grumpiness continuum.  More than once I asked myself, “Why am I standing here again?”  Yet I knew that I had plenty of time and nothing else I really needed to be doing, so I stayed in line.  After about 35 minutes, I had inched to the front of the line.

The customer service representative, Dee, was frazzled but gracious and eager to resolve whatever issue I might have.  I explained the situation to her and finished by saying, “I just wanted to let you know that I will not be on this flight at 5:25 and release the seat so you can give it to someone else.” 

She worked through the whole scenario with me again several times to make sure that she was clear on how the flights had been delayed, missed and rebooked.  Then she confirmed, “So you are traveling home today on a different carrier?” 

“That’s right,” I said.

She seemed confused. “So what do you need from me?”

“Nothing,” I said. “I just wanted to let you know that this seat is available.”

“Do you need a refund for this leg of the trip?”

“That would be terrific.  I am sure my company would appreciate that,” I replied.

“Well okay then.  Let’s get that taken care of.”

She printed off the information my client would need to receive a refund for the flight I didn’t take.  She gave that to me along with a second voucher.  “This is a voucher for $150 off your next flight with United,” she said with a smile.  “We are very sorry for your inconvenience and thank you for your courtesy today.”

Did I stand in line for 35 minutes hoping that I would receive a $150 voucher?  No I didn’t.  I didn’t even think to ask for compensation for my lost day.  I stood in line because I know that if I were desperate to get on a fully booked flight, I would want the gate agent to know there happened to be a seat that was just released.  I know that all you send into the lives of others come back into your own.  It may not be immediately.  It usually won't be in-kind.  I stood in line to prime the pump.  I was blessed to have a benefit sent back my way immediately.  It doesn’t always happen so quickly, or even in a manner that is noticeable, but that doesn’t matter.  Priming the pump is about the sending out, not the getting back.  As it says in the old Kingston Trio folk song, Desert Pete, “you have to give of yourself before you’re worthy to receive.”

High Road Challenge for the Day:  Prime the pump.  Find a need and fill it.  Give of yourself.  Send it out without expectation of what will come back.  Take a lesson from Desert Pete and give of yourself so you are worthy to receive.

A Sad - and Magnificent Day for Baseball

A Sad - and Magnificent Day for Baseball

I am not a huge baseball fan.  I never have been, even though my husband and children are fanatic about the sport.  I have always preferred football and basketball – sports that don’t involve so much standing around, scratching and spitting on national television.  None-the-less, this week die-hard baseball fans and casual followers of the game had an opportunity to see High Road thinking played out on the diamond when Detroit Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga was denied what should have been only the 21st perfect game in baseball history.  Umpire Jim Joyce blew the critical call at first base, calling the runner safe when he was clearly out. 

The fans were in an uproar.  The Tigers’ manager, Jim Leland stormed the field to protest the call.  His teammates were outraged.  And yet what stands out in that moment of chaos is Galarraga’s response to having his place in the history books yanked out from under him.  With grace, professionalism, a wry smile and remarkable cool he climbed right back up on the mound.  The game was not over yet – he still had to get the final out.  What happens to you in your life is not as important as how you choose to respond to what happens to you in your life.  Galarraga’s response was the ultimate example of the High Road in action.

The astonishing thing is that it didn’t end there.

After the game, Joyce reviewed the play in the clubhouse and came to the conclusion that he had clearly been wrong.  Then… he admitted it – publicly.  To the press he said, “No, I did not get the call correct.  I absolutely missed the call.  I just cost that kid a perfect game.  I thought he beat the throw. I was convinced he beat the throw, until I saw the replay."  He went on to comment about the verbal beating he took from the team and the fans after the next play which ended the game. "I don't blame them a bit for anything that was said," Joyce said. "I would've said it myself.  If I had been Galarraga, I would've been the first person in my face, and he never said a word to me."  Joyce then asked to see Galarraga in the locker room and apologized to him.

Speaking to the Venezuelan press later, the pitcher showed only empathy for the umpire. "He really feel bad. He probably feel more bad than me.  Nobody's perfect, everybody's human. I understand. I give a lot of credit to the guy saying, 'Hey, I need to talk to you because I really say I'm sorry.' That don't happen. You don't see an umpire after the game say 'I'm sorry.[sic]'"

During the post-game press conferences, Jim Leland showed his High Road mentality saying, “This is, without question, one of the best umpires in the game.  I think how Jim Joyce handled it was key.  The guy was a shambles.  My heart goes out to him.  Obviously, it was a mistake.  It was a perfect game.  It's a shame for both of them – but I'm telling you he is the best baseball has, and a great guy.  It's just a shame.”

A day later the series between the two teams continued and the Detroit Tiger fans stepped up to join Galarraga, Joyce and Leland on the High Road.  Whereas it might have been expected for the fans to boo and razz the umpire as he was introduced for the final game against the Indians, they showed the better side of baseball fandom and gave Joyce a standing ovation for having admitted that he was wrong.

Galarraga was the one assigned to bring the batting line-up out to the umpire and the two had a very private moment that America was given the opportunity to watch – one that brought the veteran umpire to tears.  “I can not believe the outpouring of support I’ve gotten,” he said.  “This is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through in my professional career – without a doubt.” 

In the midst of so much bad behavior and so few role models in professional sports these days, it is profoundly refreshing to see such sportsmanship exhibited by all parties involved in this unfortunate mishap. 

It is almost enough to make me watch baseball on a regular basis…almost.

Memorial Day - Respect the Sacrifice

Memorial Day - Respect the Sacrifice

It is happening all across America right now.  The enticing scent of barbecue is wafting from backyard grills.  Families are gathering together.  Brothers and sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents are greeting loved ones they have not seen in far too long.  City parks and backyards nationwide are alive with games of Frisbee, horseshoes and ladder golf.  As the day turns to dusk, people will gather for memorial concerts performed by local bands or symphonies playing heart-stirring music by Copeland or Sousa. The holiday will be capped off by awe inspiring fireworks underscored by more patriotic tunes.  Invariably, such underscoring will include a beloved tune written and performed by Lee Greenwood.

I’m proud to be an American
Where at least I know I’m free
And I won’t forget the men who died
Who gave that right to me
And I’d gladly stand up next to you
And defend her still today
Cuz’ there ain’t do doubt I love this land
God bless the U.S.A.

Each time I hear those words I am stunned at their simple and heartfelt sentiment.

Faced with a three-day weekend full of beautiful weather and family we can become wrapped up in celebrating the unofficial beginning of summer.  It is easy to forget the true reason for the day: remembering those who have perished in defense of their country and the ideals upon which it was founded.

While it was not a formal national holiday until 1971, the roots of Memorial Day trace back to 1868 when General John A. Logan of the Grand Army of the Republic, an organization of former sailors and soldiers recommended a day to honor those who had sacrificed their lives in the recent Civil War.  At that point it was called Decoration Day because it was set aside to decorate the graves of the fallen with flowers, flag or anything else deemed appropriate.  During the first commemoration on May 30th, 1868, General James Garfield addressed over 5,000 attendees at Arlington National Cemetery who then worked together to place flags on the graves of 20,000 Union and Confederate solders.  This tradition continues at Arlington today.

Local Decoration Day celebrations began happening annually across the newly reunited nation.  After World War I, the solemnity which had now become known as Memorial Day expanded to include those lost in all American Wars.  While General Logan suggested May 30th as a consistent date for this remembrance, upon it’s formalization in 1971, the holiday was fixed on the last Monday in May, rather than a specific date.

This is the reason we all have a day off of work.  We have this day off to remember.


High Road Challenge for the Day: Memorial Day was set aside as a day to remember the fallen, and honor their sacrifice.  It is so important that we take the time from our family celebrations to do that.  Even if you do not specifically have a family member or loved one lost in battle or duty, take a moment and offer a word of gratitude for the thousands of men and women you DON’T know who died so we could have our patriotic celebration in freedom.

This is not a dress rehearsal. Be in the moment.

This week, while attending a family dinner-out, I found myself intrigued by the people at the table next to us.  Their family grouping included kids, ranging in age from their twenties to the youngest at about six, and three adults.  Each and every time I glanced over at their table, at least one person was talking on a cell phone.  Often many of them were chatting away to invisible others.  The youngest child never seemed to lift her head from the digital game she was playing to keep herself occupied.  The restaurant was loud enough that their cell phone conversations were lost in the general hubbub, so it was not distracting from the dialog at our table.  It was, therefore, not intrusive to me; I was simply intrigued.  I thought to myself, when are they going to engage with each other?
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 
It is apparently becoming acceptable in 21st century etiquette to chatter away on a cell phone in very public places such as restaurants, grocery stores, sidewalks and parks.  It may not be verbal conversations at all; I often see people with their faces buried in their cell phones, Palms, Blackberries or iPhones as their fingers fly through abbreviated words to each other.

Recently I was in line to check out at the grocery store.  I was behind a woman who was engrossed in her phone conversation.  This conversation was apparently so important that she could not see her child grabbing candy off the rack and dropping it on the conveyor belt.  It was engrossing enough that she could not acknowledge the cashier who was being diligent and trying to verify that the mom really wanted to purchase all the items the child was adding.  Finally the cashier stopped ringing items altogether and waited for the woman to notice.  This delayed my transaction, and yet I had to smile.  I was not at all irritated with the cashier.  She was waiting until the woman engaged herself in the moment at hand.  (Had it lasted too long, I probably would have become irritated with the woman on the phone.  Luckily it did not take that long.)  The woman hastily wrapped up her conversation, pulled the extraneous items off the belt and paid for her groceries.  Before she wheeled her cart away, I saw her stop to dial her phone.

Had the cashier not forced the issue, I am sure the woman would have carried the conversation right through the transaction – working on muscle memory – and probably would have wondered about all the extra items in her bag once she got home.

At my son’s high school commencement ceremony this past week the principal who has guided both of my children through their high school years addressed the parents and guests in attendance.  He recounted a conversation he had with the graduating class as they assembled in the staging room, wherein he made them “pinky-swear.”  (Yes, this man is respected and loved enough by his students that even the roughest of 18 year old boys is willing to “pinky-swear” for him.)  He said, “I made them ‘pinky-swear’ that tonight – for this three hours of their lives – they will not be texting in their laps.  I implored them to….”  He paused and encouraged the graduates to finish his sentence for him.  Roughly 450 voices chimed in with, “BE IN THE MOMENT!” 

I was profoundly impressed. 

Will it last?  Probably not, but for that three hours of time each of the graduates fully experienced everything that was going on around them.  They engaged with each other and were in the moment.

High Road Challenge for the Week:  Involve yourself.  I encourage you to establish standards for yourself that preclude phone calls and texting during meals and other times when conversations with people in your immediate presence can be important.  Take the opportunity to fully engage with the people around you. Be in the moment.